Thursday, February 11, 2010

But I used to be worse.

Once Upon a time, (When I was 15/16)

One of my friends left state to live with his uncle. His family had lived 2 houses up from mine all my life and before he left Susanna and I hang out with him all the time; we would sit on his bed, and we talk about all sorts of interesting things for an hour or two almost every other weekday.

We were stunned when he left without even saying bye.

The next time I saw him (3 months later) I was at a youth camp, and he came over to me, but said he could only stay a little while --had to go home and see his family. I promptly left my clique of friends to eat lunch with him.

Before we started eating our soggy hamburgers he asked, "You missed me didn't you?"

I did not say yes.

Instead I said, "No. How dare you leave us without saying bye! How could you expect me to miss you after such a horrible non-goodbye?"

He explained that neither his family nor himself knew he was leaving until the day before. His uncle needed help and everything was sudden for him too...

(I actually already knew that.)

While we ate our burgers he was constantly teasing me about how I had definitely missed him "very dreadfully," and asking, "Why don't you just admit it?"

And I consistently denied missing him.

He knew I missed him, and I knew that he knew I missed him, and I was fine with him knowing I missed him. But still I just couldn't say so...

Pathetic I know.

After he left I went to my empty dorm room, swung myself into my top bunk, and stared blankly at the ceiling thinking, "There is something the matter with me. This is my friend; I love him. And I couldn't even tell him I missed him."

(I had a crush on a brown eyed guy from GA at that time, Just platonic love for Micah C. We were always just friends. For the curious people. Lol...)

So I lay there for a while thinking about how strange and warped I was, then I decided, "I might be messed up, but I can be fixed. I'm going to learn how to do this."

Everyone is capable of change. Some people just choose to pretend they are stuck because, "I was born this way." They see their hang ups and say, "Yeah well that's just not something I'm good at. That's not me."

It's better to be all, "I'm not good at this. I need to work on it." Then do it.

(I'm awesome like that.)

....Usually, but it's a lot of work

Actually that particular thing is still something I have to work on. (I might not start telling the whole world that I love them, but I need to say things more politely ya know)

I'm really good with words, as in, I can talk people into things. I have hard-to-argue-with explanations because my mind is very logical, but I'm not always the best as far as wording things nicely. Tact its called. (Sigh.)

A week ago I told someone, "Yeah it was pathetic." about something they had done, then later I was ashamed, and just, Esther you messed up, you shoulda' said ' It made me sad,' or 'it made me feel pathetic' I could'a at the very least not mentioned it in front of other people. (I read articles about 'Resolving Conflict Peacefully'. I do always scoff at those people who literally say, "This is my reality." though.)

But is over. Can't fix it. Can't change it. I'm not even sure if I would if I could. (Cause it was true, but still at least I'm ashamed. Does that count for anything?)

1 comment:

Amy Lizzy said...

Wow - I like the way you're thinking with this one!

Knowing and admitting our wrong is a huge step.

Love ya girl!