Chocolate & "What is the best way to break up with your girlfriend?"

I grabbed another handful (ok, ok, it was two handfuls) of baby MM’s packages and promptly began to open and eat them. My sugar addiction is back full force.

“So…Esther how has life been lately? You ok? Have you been having a hard time?” One of the guys asked.

Huh? What?

“Girls eat sugar when they’re sad."

Apparently over lunch our guys had a lengthy discussion about girls. No surprise there, but the rest of the topic was hilarious: What is the best way to break up with your girlfriend?

They determined that when breaking up with your girlfriend she would be sad.
(Good job boys. That’s a correct assumption.)

They determined that girls eat chocolate when we are sad, or depressed.
(I don’t, but yes most girls do eat lots of sugar when they are sad.)

They decided that chocolate cheers girls up, and makes them happy.
(Very few girls would disagree.)

They decided it was best for a girl to be cheered up after a break up, “Not that it would be possible for a girl to be all the way cheered-up after losing me, but…” (That was Josh.)

So…

“We decided it’s a good idea to bring a girl a box of chocolates when you break up with her”
(WHAT!!!)

Wow. What a conflicting message.

Yes it's true, most girls do eat lots of sugar when they are sad. This is inclusive of--but not limited to--breakups. If, however, you are too loving to whoever you are breaking up with they will decide you are still in love with them. 'It'll all work out. In a few weeks we'll be back together.' After they realize that is not going to happen they will be even more depressed.

Anyone want a free bag of candy? Click on the link, and print the coupon; if you take it to K-Mart they will ring it up with a bag of Halloween candy, and the candy will be free. This is only good for today and tomorrow.

My car needs a band-aid

I hit a deer on the way home from church Sunday.

I should be thankful because I’m not hurt…I have a weird mind-set; I never expect to be hurt, so am not sufficiently thankful when I don’t get hurt. I should be thankful.

I am thankful that I have been driving slower lately. I was only going 20 mph when I saw the deer. (This is unheard of for a Libbey) I've slowed down, but not that much. It was definitely a God Thing.

I'm thankful that only my bumper is cracked. My car could have been hurt so much worse. My dad and some of my friends have had had their windows cracked and their car all dented and scratched. It could have been worse.

--

Edit: It is worse. My car won't lock into gear and there's an unattached metal piece hanging in the front. I think it just holds the motor in--hopefully it's not important. Oh well.

I will still be thankful that I am unhurt. The deer cracked the middle of the bumper, so if it had come through the window I likely would have been hurt. It is hard for me to believe, but I actually am capable of being hurt. (Physically I mean; I get hurt emotionally easily enough.)

Lastly I’m thankful that I had not already washed my car. I don’t know why, but I am.

I have been thankful. May I complain now?

Alone in a Crowd

“My people left me. I have been abandoned.” I moved to the other side of the table and pushed a chair into the empty spot between N8 and Whitney and across the table from Tricia and her sister Amanda.

Uh, actually just a couple of my friends left from my previous side of the table. The remaining 2 people were deep in conversation. AKA staring deeply and lovingly into each others eyes while discussing trivial subjects. (Awkward.) Plus I wanted to talk to Trica’s sister. She seems nice; if she is much like Tricia I’m sure I will like her. So I am making friends-if she wants to be friends with us, that is. I do not force people to be my friends, lol.

We talked briefly before Whitney said she needed to leave, “I have work in the morning.”

“Don’t leave. Everyone is leaving me. I have abandonment issues,” I joked

“Really?” Whitney questioned, “Me too. I think it’s my own fault”

It was meant to be funny. I could have evaded the question by saying, “Actually I wasn't meaning I would feel abandoned by you going home. It was a joke.” But that wasn't what she asked, and this year I am trying to be a little more open so…”Yeah, I guess I do sometimes."

Amanda said she felt like that at times. Tricia agreed, “Everyone is like that.”

We discussed it briefly. I will force all of my friends to have in-depth conversations with me about this. I like to understand things. It’s easier to fix things (including myself) after you understand the problem.

I would like to know why? Why does Whitney feel that way? Why does she think it is her fault? Why was it so hard to convince Jessie that we won’t leave her alone if we get to know who she really is? Why are we like that at all? Everyone does at times feel as if they don’t fit in. That’s life, but maybe we could make our friends lives a little easier.

I do feel out of place and in the way with our group at times, but not really right now. I have in the past though. It’s a detached alone-in-a-crowd thing--its worse when you are alone in a crowd that you used to belong to…

The problem, I think, with our girls isn't so much belonging--they do belong already. It’s knowing that they belong.

It is important to not only love people, but to also show them that they are loved. (It’s more complicated than it sounds.)

Recreational Shoppers

Wednesday after work Leah and I had already gone to most of our favorite stores in Knoxville, and I wanted to go home. “Yeah that’s fine,” Leah said then added, “This has been an unsuccessful shopping trip. It’s not a successful trip unless I buy something.”

After teasing her about her materialistic mind-set I turned toward a shopping center that included Ross and T.J.Max. “Well I’ll try to make this trip a success for you.”

We walked into Ross where Leah laughed and made fun of me as I began talking myself out of buying things. (My friends know that I save my money, but I am weirder with Leah, because she is my sister, and because it makes her laugh.) If Leah is there I talk myself out of buying things out loud and my explanations (to myself) are very detailed. This is apparently very droll.

Leah has redefined her trip as a success; she bought 3 things:

1) A long A-line khaki skirt with studs (Too big for her, but on sale and maybe it will shrink)

2) A pink top with white polka dots (A Little too small, but maybe it will stretch)

3) A long blue button up shirt with white polka dots ("Perfect!" she said..)

She has fifty cents left to her name. It was definitely a successful trip for her.

I have more than enough cute clothes already, but still I bought 3 things:

1) A tiered hanger-it holds four skirts (If I return to my shopping boycott my closet won’t need hangers that fit multiple items. Hmmm)

2) A pink shirt with a white mock lace camisole (Poor quality, but cute.)

3) A black and off-white A-line skirt (It matches my black blouse with off-white lace-Yay!)

(See Josh--I do spend money.)

I think we could have just each bought the one item that was perfect for us and skipped the others. But is buying unneeded things really a big deal? Surely wasting a little money is ok. I have plenty to waste, but am I setting a bad example for my little sister?

PS: I shop with Leah to spend time with her--it’s a sister bonding thing, I guess. I boycotted unnecessary shopping for about 2 years (Still felt as if I went shopping all the time for birthday presents…) She told me we needed to start shopping again because it was our alone time together.

Edit: If this is your definition of recreational shopper, then that title suits neither Leah nor I, even though I do chat with the sales people.

Dogs and cats

Jessie’s hound dog, Lucky, attacks and kills cats. He eats them. According to Jessie,” He eats them--bones, fur and all.” She thinks the last cat he ate wasn't missed, because, “the old lady has so many other cats.” He was very mad about a cat that one that got away recently, and believed the cat did him a great injustice (in not allowing itself to be eaten) but hopefully he’s calmed down now.

My petite calico cat is very sweet. She loves attention and tolerates small children’s abuse without scratching them. Callie does not, however, tolerate dogs. She attacks dogs; she slashes their face with her claws and drives them howling off the porch. Callie is small even after she puffs up with rage, but she stands her ground; the neighbor’s dogs no longer come to our porch. After a few times of having her claws in their nose they've decided to stay away from the furry ball of fury. We are very proud of her.

My cat does not eat kill or eat dogs, so Jessie’s dog is more vicious. It is somewhat morbidly fascinating that he eats them so completely without leaving any waste.

My aunt thinks it’s a sin to waste food, so maybe she would like that dog; I’ll ask her.

I have a survey box asking which temperament of animal you would be more proud to own. :)

Were am I at. Where am I going

We have been talking about marriage and love and relationships a lot. I love that our group at church knows how to talk about relationships—even if we don’t have much personal experience. It's good for me to know that I'm not the only one who is lonely.

We encourage each other --that encouragement has kept our group close to each other and close to God.

We don’t like being alone, yet we want to wait on a man (or a woman) who is into God, and into us (Hello people, Even if a guy loves God unless he cares about you too that would be one unfulfilled relationship. And on the other side, I don't have to be in love (or even deeply in like) to be in a relationship, but golly, I should at least be crushing on the fellow a little. I think if God wants me to be with someone surely we will both like each other. [This is my sermon to myself to keep me from succumbing to the pressures of loneliness, and dating the poor boys that are unfortunate enough to like me. People are worth more than that Esther. You've tried to make yourself like someone before, and yeah you came to like him a little, but you know you just didn't care that much. People are worth more than that.]. Un-reciprocated love: ya gotta hate it.)

Sometimes we wonder, "where am I at and where am I going. And when and why and why not...And (of course) with whom am I going there, wherever there is."

Ultimately though, we just need to trust that God will take care of us. He will because he’s God, and he’s big enough, and, because he cares about us. My life is in God’s hands; why am scared about how it will turn out?

When I freak out about my aloneness I try to remind myself of Gods faithfulness. He has always taken care of me so far. I know he can handle my love life--or rather the lack of it.

Life hurts us sometimes. People hurt us sometimes. But God will take care of us. So that makes life good. Really good. Better-than-we-give-God-credit-for good.

Life is Not the Same

[April 2014 Edit]

Look my first post!

I copied it from an email to a friend who requested my life story.

I had wanted to start a blog for a while, but getting started was hard, because I expected the perfect opening post, and that kept me from writing. So finally I threw this up knowing it was a start, and feeling like a thief, (It's my story, though awkward...)

We're still friends even though I don't see you much though, right?

You should now though. If you want to. No obligation. No best friend opening atm either, but definitely room for a friendly hello with my family--who have no reason to dislike you, since you haven't done anything bad, that I know of. (I'm sure there are bad things though, that I don't know of lol.)
---

Life has changed since I was younger. When I was younger I spent a lot of my free time outdoors, or being teased by the neighbor boys about how my husband will marry me only for my cooking. [Micah C I have a whole lot more to offer than that, but you're the best. I appreciate how you found a way to love me in the way I needed to be loved at that time, despite my fear of affection. You've been a better friend than you know] I had a lot more time for playing with friends, and alone and a lot less responsibility.

I played sports almost everyday when I was younger. I have had lots of swollen eyes from poorly thrown—or poorly caught—softballs, busted lips from hard-passed basketballs, and bruised shins from playing rough soccer. My older brothers strung extension cords through the woods and hung up lights so we could have a lighted volleyball court below the house. They lopped the branches off tree trunks to use for light poles. [I tried to get pictures of my battle scars, but no one would take them.]

I grew up in a great neighborhood where everyone knew each other, and people seldom locked their doors, (Maybe because we had nothing material to steal.) We hunted sassafras in the woods, and have a pond/small lake behind our house where we used to swim. (I'm too much of a wimp now to deal with the mud and seaweed.) We all had bicycles, and would try to put as many of us on one bike as could fit, then see how long we could ride before crashing. We usually did pretty well: two kids on the seat, one standing and pedaling, one on each of the wheel bolts, and one on the handlebars was standard, but I think the best we did was 7 kids to a bike. I can't remember where we put the last person. (Someone remind me if you remember.)

Rain was a lot of fun when I was younger. I remember walking in the muddy rivulets after a heavy rainfall. I showed the little kids how to create several-inch-thick ‘shoes’ made out of red clay mud sticking to the soles of our feet… One rainy year at youth camp A friend and I created a fad that resulted in everyone destroying the grass on an entire camp ground. (Ask me about it sometime it’s a great story.)

I thought it was great fun to wash my hair in the rain when I was little; now I choose to disregard how frizzy the rain will make my already-not-perfect curls and enjoy my walks to the mailbox at work, because the only time I’m in the rain anymore is when I’m on my way out of the rain, toward my destination.

Growing up I spent hours outdoors. Now I take my 30 minute lunch break outside. When I get home around 6:15 I have thirty-eight and a half tasks I need to finish. Responsibilities take a lot of time.

Life is not the same; things are more complicated. People have changed

I look around my group and some of the faces are different. Most of my childhood friends are in all different places and stages in life. Several have moved out of Tennessee. Most—like me—have crazy busy schedules. A few have become so different that we have little in common aside from memories.

Sometimes I miss the simplicity in my relationships with the kids that I grew up with: there's so much more busyness in everyday life now. I have to schedule time to spend with people. Maintaining friendships takes so much more work.

Life is more complicated. There’s also a lot more drama and hidden emotions. We are trying to sort everything out. Everyone wants to know where our lives are going. Most of us are lonely—not so much for a friendship—but for a romantic relationship.

Life is not the same; that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Life is still awesome.

I refuse to fail to appreciate my life today, while reminiscing about my life yesterday. I don’t have every single person in my life that I used to be close to, however my buddies today are really amazing. The people in my life now are every bit as incredible as the people in my memories. People have changed. Even I've changed, but change isn't always a bad thing. [Plus God sent some of my strangers with memories back to me.]

I have much less time for group sports, but I still bike and run often. We did have an awesome water fight Saturday; plus we played basketball, and volleyball. The guys ordered pizza and bought ice-cream and root beer for floats. We all sat our tired and sweaty, selves in a group at the oasis building to eat and talk. Wednesday Roxanne, Leah, and I enjoyed weeding the flower beds at church. (Well, Roxy and I enjoy gardening. Leah tolerates dirt; she doesn’t enjoy it.) Tonight Leah and I are frying homemade doughnuts, and we’ll have a crowd at the house. I still hang out.

I will be working at my MDT church youth camp this year: cooking breakfast and helping with the kids. Maybe I will convince them that joining those crazy fads--like wearing their pants inside out--is a bad idea, (another crazy story. I did the scheming not the joining btw). Probably I will just laugh.

I am planning my payback for someone who joined, a little too late, in the ice-cream fight at Dairy Barn. I will have help. My scheme is already in place. This is my warning to Rick.

I enjoy my crazy memories. Sometimes I miss those days, but I don't need to redo anything. I don't want or need to do it all over again, because life is pretty great now also. I’m living a full life. I’m making more crazy memories.

Life is not the same; maybe life is better.

-Esther