Monday, October 22, 2007

Alone in a Crowd

“My people left me. I have been abandoned.” I moved to the other side of the table and pushed a chair into the empty spot between N8 and Whitney and across the table from Tricia and her sister Amanda.

Uh, actually just a couple of my friends left from my previous side of the table. The remaining 2 people were deep in conversation. AKA staring deeply and lovingly into each others eyes while discussing trivial subjects. (Awkward.) Plus I wanted to talk to Trica’s sister. She seems nice; if she is much like Tricia I’m sure I will like her. So I am making friends-if she wants to be friends with us, that is. I do not force people to be my friends, lol.

We talked briefly before Whitney said she needed to leave, “I have work in the morning.”

“Don’t leave. Everyone is leaving me. I have abandonment issues,” I joked

“Really?” Whitney questioned, “Me too. I think it’s my own fault”

It was meant to be funny. I could have evaded the question by saying, “Actually I wasn't meaning I would feel abandoned by you going home. It was a joke.” But that wasn't what she asked, and this year I am trying to be a little more open so…”Yeah, I guess I do sometimes."

Amanda said she felt like that at times. Tricia agreed, “Everyone is like that.”

We discussed it briefly. I will force all of my friends to have in-depth conversations with me about this. I like to understand things. It’s easier to fix things (including myself) after you understand the problem.

I would like to know why? Why does Whitney feel that way? Why does she think it is her fault? Why was it so hard to convince Jessie that we won’t leave her alone if we get to know who she really is? Why are we like that at all? Everyone does at times feel as if they don’t fit in. That’s life, but maybe we could make our friends lives a little easier.

I do feel out of place and in the way with our group at times, but not really right now. I have in the past though. It’s a detached alone-in-a-crowd thing--its worse when you are alone in a crowd that you used to belong to…

The problem, I think, with our girls isn't so much belonging--they do belong already. It’s knowing that they belong.

It is important to not only love people, but to also show them that they are loved. (It’s more complicated than it sounds.)


Jes said...

Rules of the Skirt(Good grief these are really dorky):
1)Wash the skirt
2)You must not tuck your shirt in while wearing the skirt
3)No wearing the skirt up to your belly button
4)You must drink one can of Diet Coke (While wearing the skirt)
5)You must not prank call while wearing the skirt

"Why was it so hard to convince Jessie that we won’t leave her alone if we get to know who she really is?"

Was. :) It's cool. I actually was okay, and then like John asked me something, so I started telling him stuff, and his eyes got really wide. So no more blurting out everything, but hey, he asked. If John doesn't love me after he knew everything(which he doesn't), it'll be okay.


Esther said...

Was:) Was is definitely the correct word about that stuff.

"If John doesn't love me after he knew everything(which he doesn't), it'll be okay."

Of course, John still loves you bunches. It's ok Jessie.

Jes said...

"Of course, John still loves you bunches. It's ok Jessie."

He threatened to disown me(Not over that, and he was teasing of course). But that's alright.

Esther said...

Was he teasing that he would disown you if you cut your hair?

Haley disowned me once. I'm not sure if I'm still disowned or not.

Jes said...

No, I don't think it was that.
I don't remember. I think it was if I drank his water or something.

I've never disowned anyone who's adopted me(...without goo reasons)