Monday, June 18, 2007

Were am I at. Where am I going

We have been talking about marriage and love and relationships a lot. I love that our group at church knows how to talk about relationships—even if we don’t have much personal experience. It's good for me to know that I'm not the only one who is lonely.

We encourage each other --that encouragement has kept our group close to each other and close to God.

We don’t like being alone, yet we want to wait on a man (or a woman) who is into God, and into us (Hello people, Even if a guy loves God unless he cares about you too that would be one unfulfilled relationship. And on the other side, I don't have to be in love (or even deeply in like) to be in a relationship, but golly, I should at least be crushing on the fellow a little. I think if God wants me to be with someone surely we will both like each other. [This is my sermon to myself to keep me from succumbing to the pressures of loneliness, and dating the poor boys that are unfortunate enough to like me. People are worth more than that Esther. You've tried to make yourself like someone before, and yeah you came to like him a little, but you know you just didn't care that much. People are worth more than that.]. Un-reciprocated love: ya gotta hate it.)

Sometimes we wonder, "where am I at and where am I going. And when and why and why not...And (of course) with whom am I going there, wherever there is."

Ultimately though, we just need to trust that God will take care of us. He will because he’s God, and he’s big enough, and, because he cares about us. My life is in God’s hands; why am scared about how it will turn out?

When I freak out about my aloneness I try to remind myself of Gods faithfulness. He has always taken care of me so far. I know he can handle my love life--or rather the lack of it.

Life hurts us sometimes. People hurt us sometimes. But God will take care of us. So that makes life good. Really good. Better-than-we-give-God-credit-for good.


Jes said...

Agreed; God will take care of you no matter what state of life you are in.

Thanks, I love my black shirt. It's like an addiction or something, lol.

Thanks for lettin me stay another night

Luv ya,
<3 Jessie

Jes said...

"You are probably the only one smiling in the rain because you are the only one with an umbrella."

Yeah I tohught about that actually as I was drawing that picture. I love rain actually. I only don't like it if I'm in high hill shoes with one broken...

Who on earth would accuse you of being emotionless? Everyone has emotions lol. "Most people don't consider you an emotional person I guess." No I suppose they don't, but is that good? I don't think I would like to be thought of as emotionless, but I deffinetly need to control bursting out crying/laughing in public more than I do now.

<3 Jessie

Esther said...
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Esther said...
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Jes said...

No I suppose it won't hurt. But it did confuse me for a few seconds, lol.

I think that while it's not exactly right, that people who do cry, or get angry in front of people, are never really misunderstood I guess.

"You might cry easily lately, but not usually so much in public, I don’t believe."

No, I try my very best not to cry in public. I don't want anyone thinking, "Whoa, what's wrong with that girl?" And if a person starts crying imediately they get attacked with questions like "Why are you crying?", "Did somebody hurt you?" , "Does anybody know you cry like this?", blah, blah, blah.

"I do not want to be considered emotional, but I’m definitely not devoid of emotions. It is nice, however, to be somewhat able to control them."

Ah to control them is wonderful. I don't think you should be put-down, or called emotionaless just because you do not burst out crying or react in such an obvious way to things. Everyone handles their emotions differntly, and I guess some people ar enot accepting of that.

<3 Jessie

Jes said...

"People can break your heart even when you aren't in love with them."

Yeah I just kinda noticed (re-reading my blog) that the way I wrote it made it sound like I wrote it from just one point of view. I didn't mean it just that way though.

"Jessie, people sometimes don't realize that you have depth, because you hide behind pretending to always be hyper and silly. You are partially hyper and crazy, but it's only a piece of who you are."

I know, but no one expects a silly/hyper girl to be, hmm...what am I looking for, responsible I suppose. Not that I don't like being responsible, it's just the more people trust you, (not like a trust not to kill, or trust not to tell anything) with things, the more you are expected not to let them down. I am terribly afraid this, and I would rather people not trust me with things that wya I have no way of letting them down. (The same applies to volleyball, btw)

"I think you were a wanna be emo. Like you tried to be emo even if you never quite was."

Um...yeah, there was only so far my mom would let me carry that out (and believe I was on the limits, lol)

"Uhh, I just hit publish and looking at the part about hiding behind pretending to always be hyper and silly; It sounds harsh, but I didn't mean it to be that way."

I know you didn't mean it like that. Sometimes I am too silly, and not quite serious enough, but I've been thinking about it lately (this past week here mainly), and I have slowly started to slow down. But I feel like if I stop being silly, I will grow up, and (don't ge tme wrong, there is nothing worng with growing up ) it's just not something I like to think about. But you can't fight time, and I will try to leave what age I am and accept that. This has been a rather difficult and slow week, and I am ready to just relax or get away from it all I suppose.

<3 Jessie

Jes said...

"I also like touchable shaggy hair on guys, but not everyone has the right hair to pull it off."

Tell me about it, lol. Like, take in for instance (this is so mean) David's hair is really, really, really shaggy and I despise it with a hate like tea. (Well, not quite, but close). And not just because it's blondish either.

"We do stand out I guess, but I think you'll get used to it; I seldom think about it except occasionally when I'm swimming or snowboarding."

So what kind've skirt do you wear to snowboard in? Denium seems like the warmest thing, but not very moveable especially when wet.

I will deffinetly call you if I need help on my skirt. Thanks. I was actually going to sew it up in the front and back, but I saw a skirt similar to mine (to be) and I was like, hmm, lemme try this. And my pants were too tight sown together.

"PS: Everyone loves green eyed brunettes. "

I I mean I don't think people hate me for having brown hair and green eyes, but you never hear of anyone loving it like blonde haired blue eyed thing. I don't know.

Jes said...

"...but last year I started to realize that some of the stuff I worry about/ obsess over I should let go simply because I should give them to God. Hard to explain. It's like the thoughts themselves aren't bad, but they take up too much time in my mind..."
I know what you mean. Sometimes, okay all of the time, I catch myself doing that with stupid things. (I think that's why I can't sleep at night, because I worry (not so much think)about things).

"...'No worries, not anyone I'm close to (or adopted by))'

I'm not perfect either."
I know, no one is perfect but I didn't want you to think I was speaking of you.

"People are just people, Jessie. Sometimes they mess up. A few of my good friends have done me wrong in the past and their still good people though it took a while to trust them again."
This person is not my good friend, or if so I'm not aware of it. It's just somethings were said, and that person doesn't even know they hurt me, and everything just started crumblings from there. I still love that person, my views have changed drasticly about that person. I know I'm gonna have to deal with this sooner or later, probably sooner knowing my life, lol.

♥ you,