Untitled Story

I miss you already
        and
I miss 'our' chapter
        but
As I start to slam the book closed
        so
Unhappy with this ending

The Author reminds me
He is writing my book
    (If I let Him)

And it's not over yet

Perhaps we were only minor characters in each other's story
But will be supporting characters in someone else's book

Here's to happy endings...

----

Why. Does. The. Belly. Need. Prayer?

Just posted something about bellies, and now I'm posting this. (Because I told Sharron I probably would post these two old posts from my drafts.) Probably I've written too much about bellies, so that's kinda awkward but...
---
I don't want girls rubbing my belly either.

In fact that is sometimes even more uncomfortable than guys rubbing it. Girls only occasional do so to me, and is more brief, so less intrusive.

Except in church when praying.

One of my friends recently said, "I hate, like, when someone pets my arm. And these people who have to be all over you all the time." She shuddered, "I am not a touchie person."

I made a mental note of her preferences, then said with a shudder, "Yeah well, I am a touchie person, but when people pray for my belly I feel assaulted."

Then that very night at church, "Put your hand on her belly and pray for her." I was told as the guy moved my hand. Usually it's men who tell you to do that. Because they are uncomfortable touching a lady's belly themselves.

But. Why. Does. The. Belly. Need. Prayed. For.

I could understand, maybe, if they were being prayed for a stomach cramp, but... It's like they think a lady's soul is stuck in their belly or something...

I moved my hand, to her shoulder. And someone moved it back.

So there I was with my hand on someones belly with, 'Awkward and squishy. Awkward and squishy. Awkward and squishy'  playing in my mind like a scratched C.D. Not comfortably squishy like pinching a fat roll just... just awkward (seriously I can not explain the horrible terrible awkwardness of praying for someone's belly.)

'I'll just pray for her belt' I told myself, and moved my hand to the wide belt over her waist 'much better.'

People pray for bellies all the time. AS IF it is normal. Or something.

If anyone prays for mine I stand there and waste my prayers on praying that they will leave.
Or tense up and try to keep the frustration out of my face.
I fight nervous laughter.
Or I step away.

Occasionally I continue praying even though my belly is being assaulted. Mostly only if I am really really feeling that the person is lead by God to pray for me.

Edit: Sunday (11-28-10) a lady was praying for me and grabbed my ribs just above my belly. It was still strange, but not horribly so. If your hands need to be in that vicinity my ribs might be an acceptable place for them.

If you see my belly being prayed for, feel free to mention my discomfort to the person and/or send them a link to this post after service. Please.

My Belly is Mine. Not Yours. Please Don't Touch It.

---
I know my rock hard abs fascinate you. Oh well.  Get over it. Go pet a turtle.

---

When I was 16 one of my best friends used to always grab me and force me still while petting my belly. And I fussed and fumed and pushed him away, but he just laughed. Finally I talked to his girlfriend, "Can you please, pleeeeease ask ____ to quit touching my belly?" So he stopped. (I'm sure she didn't like watching him always grabbing me either...)

I said that to say I would do so again. A mild threat I guess.

There is another guy who won't stop grabbing me again lately. Ugh it freaks me out.

So to you. (And yes I know that you know I have a blog)

I've already asked you to quit--Please do so.

My belly is off limits for you. I am definitely more cautious around the people who have grabbed my tush and boobs than those who pet my belly. I realize you don't feel that it is a big deal. Maybe even your wife doesn't care.

But I care. My belly is too much for you (a married man) to be rubbing. I realize that your belly is not important to you, and it has been explained to me by various people that acquaintances/friends rubbing each others bellies is the same as a handshake. *Shudder*

I don't consider you a creep. (Only because you are normal in other ways, and I feel your heart is clean.)

However, this particular behavior is creeping me out.

[Edit: I did talk to this recent guy's wife. Bla awkward. But it's over, so that's good.]

I Could Really Use A Change of Heart

"Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" he asked.

Self conscious, I slouched a little down the wall, "I would like to be married."

"Do you plan to keep a job after you're married?"

"Until I have kids." The thought of staying home with children all the time is not an exciting thought to me. But I believe that the parents should raise their children not the grandma. (When beliefs and desires conflict; I usually stick to beliefs...)

"I was thinking that, so theres not a lot of point of you going to school."

"Weeeeell 5 years ago I wouldn't have expected myself to be still single today, soooo."

"But that was by choice right? You could be married by now if you wanted to."

'Shove it in my face man... Yes. I walked away from everyone.'

I was busy, they didn't suit me, one (or 8) of my friends were in love with him and I didn't want to destroy my girl friendships, or I was scared...or my heart was otherwise occupied, so I didn't give anyone else a chance.

Mostly the heart-being-otherwise-occupied thing.

I'm everything or nothing; either intensely in like, or planning my escape. Usually both simultaneously. I hate that. Blast this.

What is the matter with me?

I Shall Call it My Funeral Purse

6:20: home from work and running up the steps 2 at a time. The funeral started at 7:00, and was who-knows-where in Athens. Threw a black outfit onto my bed, then onto my body. Then deodorant (or did I forget that?) Brushed my teeth, used salicylic acid cleansing pads on my face.

6:29 out the door: hoping my brother knows how to find this place. Stepped into Josh's car and used smoothing cream on my frizzy curls. Moved my wallet and a few important items from my messenger bag style purse and into a classy black clutch.

6: 46 made it to Ziegler's Funeral Home: breathed a sigh of relief to be early rather than late.
---
I never met him, but Ross was in his 60's, and mentally handicapped all his life. His mom, who he had lived with all his life, died last month. Everyone said, "He is happier in heaven."

...I'm really glad we went, because I love his family a lot, and staying helped them to know it.
---
"We are ready to start the service," the funeral director said into his mouthpiece, so everyone was seated, and the piano player (Tabitha Scott) began a song.

Everyone sat quietly except the lady on the other side of Josh. She started emptying her purse's contents onto her lap, then shoved it across his lap and into mine, "You like small purses?" she whispered loudly.

"Uh huh," then trying to be polite whispered, "Yours is nice,"

"Enjoy it," she said, adding emphatically, "I can NOT carry a small purse!"

'Oh, she is giving this to me,' it sunk in.

What do you say to someone who gives you a Prada purse in the middle of a funeral?

I panicked inside.

You know how it is when people give you something (especially something expensive) and expect you to fall madly in love with the awesomeness of the wonderful amazing gift and will periodically ask to make sure you tuck it into bed with you after kissing it goodnight? But you are just 'meh' and wondering how fast you can toss it without them knowing.

I was afraid it would be like that.

So I said, "Are you sure? It's nice, but I don't know for sure if I'd carry it."

She grinned and replied, "That's fine. You don't have to keep it. Give it away. I don't care. Just take it."

I said thanks, and she turned her attention back to the funeral.

While I stole glances at the purse in my lap.

'Structured' was my first thought. 'Alligator leather' was my second. Then 'Not my style.'

'But oddly enough I rather like it.'

-Happiness

Life is still worth living without a boyfriend

Another several-months-old post from my drafts...

There was a Sunday recently that Pastor ended his sermon talking about how, "Our young people lately have felt pressured to date someone... Our young people need to not settle for just anyone breathing."

I stayed in the back, and scrunched my face up thinking about the time we were talking about couples, and I had said "Life is still worth living without a boyfriend. It's still good." The girl had answered, "Not really. It isn't. Not hardly."

Then she started dating a boy and proclaiming her love and adoration for him all while mournfully saying things like "I've crossed the tracks. My life is going downhill from here on out," in reference to her relationship....

So there I was annoyingly thinking pitying thoughts about him. When my brother-in-law came over to me. Where I was standing. And prayed for me. Just by myself. He looked so sincere, and was praying So loudly.

About that subject. About not settling for a not good enough guy....

About me.

I stood there feeling my face get red... Afterward I laughed awkwardly, and told him, "I'm not settling. I'm not even dating anyone right now. What was that for?.."

Yeah anyway awkward.

But what is settling to you?

Tell me I'm not the only one.

"So are you going to that church in Maryville tonight?" Daniel asked Sunday.

(My sister and brother-in-law are very worried about my singleness. They think I will meet a guy there...)

"No."

"Why not?"

"I'm broke out."

"Let me see your face." It was a demand not a question.

"Two Pimples. How tragic." Shalom said sarcastically. "That is nothing. You're freaking out over two pimples. Don't you normally get a few every month?"

"No, I don't! I use a face mask a few days before and stay clear."

So I went to my usual Sunday night church, Bethesda (And yes there are handsome guys there, but they've seen me at my roughest already, so it doesn't make much difference...)

Still I did not hang out afterwards. Even though I was asked a lot of times, and one of the guys said, "Come with?" in a sad begging little boy voice. Begging is better from masculine men.  :)

Do you let your bad hair/skin day get in the way of your life?

I tell myself that sometimes its ok--Just not all the time. And I'm not allowed to completely avoid everyone non related to me just because I don't feel pretty.

Sisters and Weirdness & 'Just Friends' Friendships

Jumped off on this random story, so decided to give it a separate post.
Has been years since I did this, but I still think it's funny.

---

It had been a few weeks that my sister Shalom thought I had a crush on one of my guy friends. (I actually did, and do, adore him but you know not 'like that'.) She wouldn't come right out and say "I think you like _____." But was always saying little things to that effect, and looking all sly and saying, "I know a secret," or "I know who Esther likes," anytime I was around him or his name came up.


After a time I decided to play with her. Partly because I decided it would be funny and partly because I preferred her not to figure out who I actually did like, so she couldn't embarrass me by accidentally announcing my personal preferences to the world. (See previous paragraph.)

So...

When they were both around I would pretend to like him. Not enough for him to think I liked him but just enough to lead her on. (Honest it didn't take much. I just looked at his face a little longer than other peoples and smiled benignly anytime he said anything. I only had to do that when she was looking at me.)

(I can't remember who he was in love with at the time, but it wasn't me. And he didn't notice, and I didn't hurt or confuse him, because he didn't notice... And I would not hurt him. And it's wrong to hurt people just for my own amusement. I know that.)

After a month or so she started to say, "Yeah I've known for a long time that you liked _______."

I would answer with, "No. Just as a friend. It's not like that."

"You can't fool me." She would reply.

Leah thought it was really weird.

I thought it was really funny.

Probably my humor is warped. Not like perverted warped, just all the twists and turns of my psyche are odd.

Hmmm

Of Stepping Stones & White Out

It is painful to be white-outed out of your life. But if your part of our friendship was solely based on your plans for a relationship with my brother it was only a stepping stone to the path your parents had chosen for you.

Rather than a real friendship.

Stepping stones aren't of themselves bad things, and walking on them isn't evil, but people aren't stepping stones.

At least they shouldn't be.

Congrats on your new boy, new future, new life, and new friends.

Bye

Assuming Catfights and Much Awkwardness

This week ________  parents were at my house and were talking about their youngest son.

Mom asked if he was in a relationship...

"Yes, we are praying about a couple of sisters." his mom answered.

"Sisters!" I thought "Doesn't he know better?" (But I kept my mouth shut. Yay me!)

I am familiar with the whole UPC way of dating, but, sisters that's a bit much. I started picturing these sisters sitting on their bed chatting like Leah and I do, "So your date with _____ last night; did you have fun?" Then the other answering, "Um, maybe, well yeah," before blurting out, "Did you kiss him when you went out on Saturday?" Then there would be a catfight and much awkwardness. Not much sisterly bonding between them I assumed.

I listened for a bit; apparently the prettier one is snooty, and the not so cute one is really sweet, but well, not very pretty. They hope he picks the sweet one. And his parents adore him, so they never said anything about the possibility of these sisters deciding they didn't want him. (I didn't mention that either; Yay me! I'm so nice lately)
After a bit I figured out that she meant 'sisters' to be 'sisters in the Lord' rather than 'they have a lot of sibling rivalry', But it took a while.

(I was glad I didn't say all the snarky things I was thinking. lol.)

Another reason to leave off calling everyone Sister or Brother?

More Randon Xmas Stuff.

Christmas is still somewhat scary for me, but things turned ok for my family. I think life as a Christian is like that. God takes the bad stuff and makes good stuff out of it. Doesn't make the bad stuff not bad just makes life awesome in spite of it. (Romans 8:28 has been one of my fav verses for a long time...) Like the time Joseph was kicked out of his family and sold into slavery; it was really awful, but God fixed it so it was good.

So yeah, good stuff: the church we are at now has been good for us and to us. We have grown here, and I think we have been better off here. It was a good time for a new place.

Our church people do Christmas, but most of them aren't mean about it.

(Far as I can tell, and don't correct me if I'm wrong,) Lisa is more worried about making us mad than mad at us for not coming to her Christmas thing. People should just live their lives, and if there is piece of your life that I'm uncomfortable with, I'll stay out of that particular piece.
-----

Two of the first few years we were here our pastor asked me, "How would you feel about having a Christmas play at the church?"

I told him, "We wouldn't come, but you guys could do it anyway. You don't have to change things for us, and seriously I mean that."

Later I told Mom how they usually had a play and hadn't because of us she just said, "That was nice of him."

"It's really scary," I said. "What if he hates us later because of changing things?"

He still preaches a sermon geared toward Christmas around the 25th, so is not like he changed everything. (That makes me less worried about being hated for being different.) And really if I'm being reasonable he is not a person who is going to ask us to leave because we are different, but I would not have expected that from the other guy either...

I love Christmas lights; the white ones outlining houses are so pretty. And I'm completely cool with going Christmas shopping with my friends. (The sales are not so good; why do people think they are? It’s cool anyway. I need long sleeves T-shirts.) It’s awesome to have time off work. I listen to Christmas music occasionally (none of the annoying stuff though. I dunno how even the most staunch Christmas lover can stand some of that.). There is a Christmas song, 'Happy Birthday Jesus' it’s sung by a little boy. Anyway it is adorable, and there are a few other Xmas songs that I'm quite fond of.

I could argue very convincingly either for or against celebrating Christmas. (I'm not going to... I'm just telling you I could.)

I don't care if my friends celebrate Xmas. If someone asks me why we don't, I tell them a little about the pagan background. Maybe mention Jeramiah 10:1-5 or tell them to pick up an old encyclopedia and look up the origin (It's definitely nastier than Halloween), but I know most people don't think about Nimrod and Semiramis, and instead associate Xmas with Jesus birth. Is not like I think people who celebrates Christmas are bad Christians, or promoting pagan worship.

It's just that I don't.

And if you hate me for it, please don't tell me. I've changed from the whole I'd-rather-have-it-told-to-my-face mindset. I think I prefer plasticized friendliness unless you are stabbing me in the back.

Scar(r)ed of Christmas

Every year around the 1st of December I start to panic. (I'm a little early this year.)

I don't belong here.
Christmas is scary.
I wonder if these people resent me.

I don't hate Christmas. I might celebrate it at some point in my life. One of my brothers celebrated Christmas with his (then) girlfriend for a couple of years. I guess I could celebrate it now if I chose to.

But Christmas scares me because people are mean this time of year. They think if you don't celebrate it you don't love Jesus or something I guess...
---

I've actually been in a Christmas play/thing before.

My family went to another church for a while (11 years actually.) One year in December we had a skit. (It was lovely.) We dripped hot white candle wax all over the carpet, and sang "Carry Your Candle" in the dark.

I love fire. And darkness.

We had been told that it was not for Christmas--But it was.

Which is not to say that it was terrible or evil; just that it was a Christmas thing. It was a good play and a few families had filled brown paper lunch bags with nuts, fruit, and candy which they handed out after the play, then passed them and fruit baskets through the (poor) neighborhood where our church was located. I think if people are going to have Christmas celebrations that's a good way have them.

But my family doesn't celebrate Christmas.

We talked about it afterward, and my fam was like, 'yeah that's what it was, but we asked, and they told us 'No this isn't for Christmas'.... So anyway we didn't say anything about it, but decided to step out next year. It was over and bla.

The church knew we didn't 'do Christmas', but we had never asked them to not have Christmas celebrations at church. It was really their call--Not ours. (They should have told us that it was for Christmas when we asked, though.)

The next year around the beginning of December, during church, a man asked, "Are we gonna have a Christmas play again this year?"

The pastor's daughter answered, "Yes, we'll do the same song we did last year." Then we went on with our service.

So anyway in a couple of weeks, when it came time for play practice my family didn't stay. We didn't throw a fit. We didn't ask anyone else to not have a play, or not be in a play. We didn't slam Christmas, or say anything bad about it. We just didn't stay and practice. (If you don't believe in something, it's OK to not do it. We were under-age children at the time, and our parents were responsible at that time for the choices they made with us.)

(The church had just skipped it for the 11 years that we were there. Maybe they felt obligated to... Which is sad for them...)

Sigh.

So the next week, openly, in front of the whole church, during service, we were asked to find another home church --unless we could make the choices he asked of us. Unless we believed the same.

And there was a whole sermon against us, then they yelled at my mom for a while and made her cry...

It was very dreadful. We did leave.

Edit April 2014: Very recently I realized that there was probably a double meaning to his request, and there were some other issues (besides Christmas) our past pastor wanted to be handled differently. Still sad that this was done openly--but now I realize it was done out of a good heart.

Which changes a lot of how I view that pastor... I feel bad for judging him so harshly for knocking over some of his sheep, now that I know he thought he was protecting lambs.

But it was still horrible...

-------
My best friends Dad left church also. He was recently saved, and after sitting through the service said, "If that's what Christians are like I'm not going to be one."

Jimmy loved my dad especially. Seeing us hurt was the reason he left. It hurt him too bad to watch us bleed.

I've grieved more over my friend's dad than over my family. (We were moved into a better place for us...) Her family went from rejoicing over the changes in his life, and being happy about how much happiness they just got to having a lost dad again. They loved and love him still (I do too) But lost Dad's are harder to live with than saved ones.

And mostly we all really want Jimmy in heaven with us. No one really deserves Jesus gift, but it's already bought. Twas such a shame he thought it wasn't a good gift for himself... (Handed it back nicely of course...)

Still sad that this was done openly, because most of the sheep lamp; lambs lost trust in their shepherd, and ultimately one of the baby lambs ran away from his Heavenly Shepherd.

But now I realize it could have been done for other reasons, and from a partially good heart.

-
I'm praying I can hide my (poorly stitched, or un-stitched) wounds well enough, so that other patients don't get terrified of the doctor.

Try hard to not operate on anyone--in front of people with a weak stomach--unless it's an emergency. (If you're a new doctor, fresh out of med school, you've gotta expect to botch things a little bit, but a more seasoned doctor can restitch a poorly sewn operation, or reopen it if needed.)

Also if poor stitches are letting your guts seep out, and you think your doctor is able to operate on other people... find another doctor, because if you stay, the waiting room might empty. And some of those people will just go home to die...

H's & K's (In which I unintentionally hurt half of everyone)

Quietly freaking out over the chaos, and considering not posting my next scheduled post, because it's not completely all happiness & candy.

Still I am not (currently) planning to remove the last post.

But you are definitely due an explanation. Please do me a big favor and read this for now.

I did not tell anyone that she had to wear a skirt to 6 Flags or to my house or to any other place. I didn't write that on my blog either. If you thought I said that, please reread that post. I've not edited it at all.

I didn't realize it was taken that way until someone referring to my blog told me, "I don't think people shouldn't be allowed to do things with the youth group just 'cause they don't wear skirts."

And then all the comments sounded like that also. (I have them texted to me automatically, so I had read them but couldn't reply for a while.)

You should reread what I wrote. Maybe you mixed up my h's & k's.

I told her to wear jeans. (And now a quarter of everyone else is mad at me.) I did ask her to wear a shirt (as in a blouse or a top that wasn't spaghetti strap, and didn't show boobs.) and I made sure to point out that I didn't know if most other people cared... (And maybe asking her to wear a shirt is just as bad to you. I don't know.)

But she asked me.

Honestly there would've been more of a requested dress code if it had turned out that the youth pastors drove the van as they were thinking about doing. I don't think that it's wrong to have a dress code for church activities.

In fact, I wouldn't have thought it would've been wrong for a person to answer the question with "If it's a youth trip thing pastor would prefer for you to wear a skirt." (I didn't say that, I'm just saying I think it would've been ok.)

I know about 5 years ago when a friend, from our church, and I were about to go to VA with the pastor's family he asked me, "Does she know how we dress. Did you talk to her about that?"

I guess my take on it was; it would be less awkward for her to hear it from me than for me to tell her to talk to the pastor.

But I'm not totally sure where he is at now. I will call and ask to talk to him & his wife about this, and ask how he would want me to handle this in the future if it comes up.

Also
Just because someone lives differently doesn't mean they think they are better than everyone else...

It's really hard to know what to say to people.

Trying to figure out where I'm at and where I need to be.

She asked, and I didn't know what else to say. Sigh.

6 Flags. And yeah, it's been a long time ago.

My mind (today) is like the above sentences; scattered & disorganized & only understandable by me.

 So lemme try to put this to words:

---------------------------------------

I have this friend; and she is awesome.

We don't do everything quite the same way, but that's not unusual. I have lots of people who don't think quite like me. I'm ok with that.

(Girls are just naturally evil, stab-other-girls-in-the-back, creatures. They have to work on being nice.) I like to keep the nice ones as friends when possible.

We had been planning this trip to 6 Flags. We hadn't yet figured out if the youth pastors were driving the church van or not, or planned a meeting place, and the tickets hadn't been bought... But was partly planned.

So anyway, this friend and I, just the two of us were on a church pew talking about the 6 flags trip, and she asked, "Is there going to be some dress code or something?" Then she said something about having to wear long black dresses.

I took a breath, then, said, "Um yeah I don't think long black dresses are really required, [awkward laughter] and you should just wear jeans, but wear a shirt, and actually it would be good if you wear a shirt at my house too, and maybe when we do things together with my family, but honestly I don't know where everyone else is at."

And it made her sad, and it was horrible...

But she just quietly said "Yeah, actually I was joking."

I'm not sure if she meant she was joking about asking about a dress code or just joking about having to wear long black dresses...

-And I'm not sure what I should've said or should not have said.

I wasn't sure if 6 Flags was going to be a 'youth group thing' or not. We had asked Andy and Lisa if they would drive the church van. (If they did it would've been. If not it would've just been some of us hanging out.)

When we do something as a youth group we are always given a speech about how the girls are to wear skirts past their knees, and the boys to wear pants, and that there are to be no shorts, tank tops, or cussin'... (Actually I don't know if shorts are still on the list or not...)

Several of the girls wear jeans anyway, and it's not made a big deal of...

--------------------------

And now at church our pastor has started preaching about how some of his church people needed to stop telling people what to do, and how to dress.

And a few comments have been made to me.

If we are not to tell people what to do for fear of offending them. What do we tell them?

I could, if it is preferable, just tell people that they must talk to the pastor...

 Trying to figure it all out...

Edit: I did talk to Bro Anthony & Sis Shelia, and he said he was trying to preach that, we need to not force all of our convictions onto other people's lives. Long sleeves in particular, which are something he wears always, but doesn't want his church people to be ordered to do, and doesn't require of his family either.

He said it wasn't my responsibility--to have to ask a certain dress code of everyone else, that he wouldn't require it of me--but it was ok for mom to require it at her house, and for me to request a level of modesty for an activity I'm planning.

So he was OK with me :)

Weddings = fights & family fueding? (I didn't know this)

I had been asked to help seat people at my friends wedding reception Saturday.  The bride had made place-cards and a list showing where everyone was to be seated. Four ladies were requested to help people find their tables. Yes, it was odd escorting men to their seats, but was an honor pointing out that I was a favorite friend :) I handed my elbow off (as a joke) and held my chin high lol.

The people I was helping had warned me that they expected fights & family feuding, but I laughed it off. People don't do that at weddings.

Most of the people were members of an affiliation that I had briefly considered joining (Do not tell Lisa lol.)

Half of them were talking about how they "Don't expect this marriage to last" and some of them were openly talking hatefully about the bride. And she is nice.

A few threw a fit about not being seated with their cousins or something whining, "She's splitting up family's," they said, as if she asked them to divorce a wife or husband.

I told them, "It was unintentional; I'm sure." Then looked at the chart to see what was happening.

"No she didn't put husbands at different tables than their wives, but she did seat all the single people together," (which did seat them away from their family.) I don't believe it's possible to divorce your aunt but you can try...

Then they pursed their lips and angrily declared, "No! It probably was intentional," while the other offended parties nodded their heads bitterly.

If there are 25 people in your extended family then yeah you all probably aren't going to fit at an 8 person table. You can call it "Splitting up families" all you want but unless we throw the bridal party off, then double seat the bridal table with your people there's no way you're all gonna fit together...

I did move them to the tables they wanted to be at. (One of them, being single, was supposed to be at my table lol. So she was gone.)

My table people (the ones that stayed) were all very charming. I enjoyed their company immensely.

Pill

It was very small and white, and apparently had rolled from her purse onto the floor.  (I'm obsessed with small things--It's very strange.) Anyway it was about 1/4 the size of a hole punch, so I picked it up with my thumb and forefinger then set it in my palm.

"Probably for PMS, allergies, or congestion or something" I thought

"What is this? I'm gonna take it."

My friend started freaking out, "No don't! Those are really bad for you! I'm serious they can mess you up bad!"

But it's so cute. "Why do you have them if they are bad?"

"_______ has a prescription and gave some to me."

I shrugged and tossed it in the trash.

I must not have told her I didn't take it because an hour or so later she was still freaking out "You OK? Did you really take that?"

"It's in the trash if ya want it."

I never did ask what it was. Probably something minor but....

Still curious

Bad Day Part 1

This is an old post. (from 2 months ago)

After church a few Tuesdays ago our youth group went to Mickey Ds to eat. I don’t care much for McDonald’s food, but I wanted people. Needed people. I planned to relax and space out while listening to chatting and laughter.

We, like always, shoved 4 or 5 tables together and crowded in a few extra chairs as people straggled in. I like that about my church people; we (typically) have one big group rather than a bunch of small cliques. (I have been told recently that ‘The Libbey's don’t fit in’, but that’s a different story. Quit trying to make us not fit in. That's mean of you.)

“I had a really bad day today,” The guy who ended up next to me said.

My Cousin, who was across from us, said, “Me too, my day was awful”

“My day was worse than either of yours” I stated.

He looked at me skeptically, “I don’t know about that. I had a really bad day.”

“Tell us about your day” said the cousin to him “It’s good to get this stuff out in the open. Makes you feel better.”

“My boss was really upset with me. He fussed at me.” He hung his head pitifully.*

“My day was definitely worse” said the cousin. “A customer yelled at me. It wasn’t my fault. It was awful. [I think she said she cried, but I can’t remember for sure.] Tell us about your day. I’m sure my day was the worst,” She looked at me expectantly.

“My day was worse than either of yours” I reiterated. Then I left it like that. I mean I did not enter a pact to tell my bad-day story or anything. If they wanted to tell theirs that was fine…

“Wow, I’m starting to feel better” says the guy, “Tell us about your day, Esther**. What happened?”

“Weeeeell I don’t think so it might make you uncomfortable” I glanced away.***

"Come on we are your friends. You can be open with us. We will make you feel better." said the cousin."We don't mind at all; we'd like to know."

“Don’t know about that. It’s an interesting and, strange story but…” ran through my mind.

They continued asking me to tell them for a while. And really I shouldn’t have told them I had a bad day if I was unwilling to discuss it. So I did.

”Look, someone propositioned me today.” I chose to leave out how I was all alone and how the man threatened me, and the rest of the scary stuff.

The guy who started this conversation said “Yeah my day wasn’t very bad. I had a really good day, in fact, compared to you guys’.”

My cousin quickly changed the conversation.

(But I will totally post about it.)

Bounderies

Was a nice to-the-side hug, but the whole belly rubbing thing...

"Yeah, I think my belly is off limits." There, I said it.

Had been trying to work up the nerve for a couple of months.
Had been trying to remember how this got started in the first place.

--Was probably me; Poking him in the side.*

I made a mock swipe at him "But I'll totally poke yours."

"That’s kind of hypocritical; don't you think." Said a girl in front of me.

I grinned, "[It] was a joke. I didn't touch his belly."

The guy laughed it off, "She just doesn't want to be tickled."

But it’s cool. He understood, and wasn't mad. Appreciated even, that even though I was serious about not being touched I was willing to make a joke, so that people didn't think I was calling him a pervert.

I'm not very ticklish. I really don't mind the feeling of having my belly patted or poked. (Ok, ok, I like it. It makes me happy.) I'm just not so sure that my guy friends should be touching my belly. (Or me touching theirs).

Boundaries are good. I made some for myself when I was about 11 because other people needed them. I made some for myself when I was 16, because I needed them.

Side Tangent on Fat Rolls below:

*(Why do I think it’s ok to poke or pinch guy’s sides, but not ok to touch their bellies?) This guy doesn't have any fat left, but I love to pinch people’s fat rolls--I don't know why. It's very weird. (Fat rolls are not attractive to me. I just like to pinch them. And only peoples fat who I know very well.) Maybe I will stop; just in case it makes people cool with rubbing my belly.

PS. Just this week Jessie offered to get fatter so she would have fat rolls for me to poke. "I'll just eat a lot and stay up all night! Then I'll be fatter! And you can poke me!" I will totally poke Jessie in the side when she gets fat rolls. Jessie, you were serious right?


--Happiness

Dating & Courting & Why & Why Not

(Old post from my drafts)

I was at a friend's birthday party when her dad turned to me and asked, "Gal when are you gonna start datin'?"

My dad answered for me. (Doncha hate it when people do that? Grrr.)

"No, she is not going to date. She is going to wait and marry the person she is going to marry." He beamed happily at everyone in the room.

And me? I said nothing till a few weeks later. (It was not a good time.)

But I am so not doing that. I mean how does that even work?

A friend once told me, "I don't think you should date unless you are planning to marry the person."

I'm like, "How do you know you want to marry the person unless you date them first."

I do have some guidelines. I don't think you should date just anyone, or do just anything. My definition of dating might be your definition of courting.

But if I felt obligated to wait until I was planning to marry someone I would be too terrified to ever be in a relationship at all.

Sorry

I’m told that it’s best to tell someone you’re sorry when you mess up. But what if you already know the person would rather not hear it, do you still apologize?

Does Apologizing to someone who resents hearing the apology negate the purpose of apologizing?

I was once told, “Esther, I wish you would quit apologizing to me. You know you are doing this for yourself right? This isn’t helping me at all.” (This was said very shut-up-and-go-away Esther-you-are-bothering-me way.)

I have since tried extra hard to avoid conflict with said person in an effort not to mess up. Because I think they were at least partially right. It is sort of engrained in me; I can’t forgive myself properly without working things through.

So:
It’s been several years.
I have (perhaps royally) misspoken and offended/hurt this person again.

Wasn't intentional and I’m not sure—but the offense taken was maybe exaggerated by the 3rd party. Still is very troubling, and I Know That I Could've Worded Things Better.

Usually it’s best for me to talk things out, but in this case if I am just annoying them... Rather than talk things out I might be better off to shut up and pretend no one told me they had taken offence at my words.

So

Sad.