Untitled Story

I miss you already
        and
I miss 'our' chapter
        but
As I start to slam the book closed
        so
Unhappy with this ending

The Author reminds me
He is writing my book
    (If I let Him)

And it's not over yet

Perhaps we were only minor characters in each other's story
But will be supporting characters in someone else's book

Here's to happy endings...

----

"PS: I'm Married" -not me

All the single people at one table. Couples who are friends together. Family's with kids together... (wedding seating arrangements.)

The brides high school best friend was assigned to a 'married-but-spouse-isn't-here-table'. When the other guests assigned to that table moved, and there were extra seats at the singles table, she came to sit there with us. (She knew me a little bit, and didn't know anyone else at the reception...)

One of the guys started talking to her. Not all, "Yeah baby you're hot." Just tastefully flirting--maybe he wouldn't call it that--but he was definitely interested in her, and had singled her out from across the table, was trying his best to keep her conversation, kept asking questions about her life, and was teasing her a little, you know... flirting.

Flirting is acceptable if you're single, or if you're flirting with your spouse or boyfriend or girlfriend.

But when you're married you shouldn't be flirting with people other than your spouse. And even if you're not married yourself, you shouldn't flirt with someone who is.

But she's pretty. He was attracted to her. That wasn't wrong of either of them.

Across the table she tried to get the point out. She started her sentences with, "My husband and I..." and "At my wedding."

"I'm only catching pieces of what you are saying." He leaned eagerly over the table toward her.

She put her hands on the table and started playing with her wedding rings, and holding them to the light to admire them.

It took a while, but finally he realized she was married. His eyes got big and he pulled back. But she left him with his dignity. And that impressed me.

I picture myself saying something blunt and horrid like, "By the way I'm married stop flirting with me."

What's sad is that Leah's first words when we were talking about it was, "Yeah you would say 'Dude I'm married. Quit flirting with me'. or something horrid and rude like that."

I'm going to learn tact.

Twinking / Try to NOT Upset the Parents

I feel like a bad friend today.

I've come to understand that matching is painfully difficult for some people. It doesn't bother me. Maybe because I grew up dirt poor, and we were lucky if our hand-me-downs were presentable. Maybe because my girlfriends used to try to match.
But I usually try to respect other people's feelings.

I was just making conversation.

"Ohh, I love your blazer. I need one." (I lost my black blazer in Pennslyvania)

"Um, uh I got it at Wal-Mart."

I had assumed Courtney had given it to her, and didn't think buying one was an option. But knowledge is power...

So the next week I bought one. And have carefully avoided wearing it around our mutual friends.

Just in case...

I got in trouble that way once. Sort of. Well not my trouble but it was a guilt trip lemmetellya... A different day. A different girl.

I was trying on hoodies.

"I have that one." she said.

"Does Rusty mean something? Is that someone famous? I really don't want to wear someone's name."  Everyone laughed at me and said no.

(I'm no skater chic. PacSun isn't my style. I was only looking because they were $5.)

I pulled it off the hanger, and tried it on, but she cringed so I asked, "Do you care if I have the same hoodie as you?"

And she said, "No."

But she didn't mean it. And I knew that, but bought it anyway.

She griped a little about 'twinkin.' Was a two-sided jacket. Designs on one side and purple on the other. Upon asking, she said she only wore the purple side outside, so I determined to wear the other side.

--2 weeks later--

"You have a jacket just like ____" It was her mom, "Why aren't you wearing it on the pretty side."

"Well ___  doesn't like to match." I said it matter of fact, then I caught her mom's face and said, "I really don't care though, I like this side."

She went all mama bear, but the other way around. "Honey you wear it on the pretty side! Turn that inside out right away!"

It was very awkward. And I tried to explain that I really was fine with the other side. And said I hadn't been told not to match.

But the next week the daughter was all, "I'm sorry." (I'm sure her mom fussed at her.)

It's no crime to not want to match.

Awkward.
Drama.

Bla. It isn't even a very cute hoodie.

I Could Really Use A Change of Heart

"Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" he asked.

Self conscious, I slouched a little down the wall, "I would like to be married."

"Do you plan to keep a job after you're married?"

"Until I have kids." The thought of staying home with children all the time is not an exciting thought to me. But I believe that the parents should raise their children not the grandma. (When beliefs and desires conflict; I usually stick to beliefs...)

"I was thinking that, so theres not a lot of point of you going to school."

"Weeeeell 5 years ago I wouldn't have expected myself to be still single today, soooo."

"But that was by choice right? You could be married by now if you wanted to."

'Shove it in my face man... Yes. I walked away from everyone.'

I was busy, they didn't suit me, one (or 8) of my friends were in love with him and I didn't want to destroy my girl friendships, or I was scared...or my heart was otherwise occupied, so I didn't give anyone else a chance.

Mostly the heart-being-otherwise-occupied thing.

I'm everything or nothing; either intensely in like, or planning my escape. Usually both simultaneously. I hate that. Blast this.

What is the matter with me?

Life is still worth living without a boyfriend

Another several-months-old post from my drafts...

There was a Sunday recently that Pastor ended his sermon talking about how, "Our young people lately have felt pressured to date someone... Our young people need to not settle for just anyone breathing."

I stayed in the back, and scrunched my face up thinking about the time we were talking about couples, and I had said "Life is still worth living without a boyfriend. It's still good." The girl had answered, "Not really. It isn't. Not hardly."

Then she started dating a boy and proclaiming her love and adoration for him all while mournfully saying things like "I've crossed the tracks. My life is going downhill from here on out," in reference to her relationship....

So there I was annoyingly thinking pitying thoughts about him. When my brother-in-law came over to me. Where I was standing. And prayed for me. Just by myself. He looked so sincere, and was praying So loudly.

About that subject. About not settling for a not good enough guy....

About me.

I stood there feeling my face get red... Afterward I laughed awkwardly, and told him, "I'm not settling. I'm not even dating anyone right now. What was that for?.."

Yeah anyway awkward.

But what is settling to you?

Sisters and Weirdness & 'Just Friends' Friendships

Jumped off on this random story, so decided to give it a separate post.
Has been years since I did this, but I still think it's funny.

---

It had been a few weeks that my sister Shalom thought I had a crush on one of my guy friends. (I actually did, and do, adore him but you know not 'like that'.) She wouldn't come right out and say "I think you like _____." But was always saying little things to that effect, and looking all sly and saying, "I know a secret," or "I know who Esther likes," anytime I was around him or his name came up.


After a time I decided to play with her. Partly because I decided it would be funny and partly because I preferred her not to figure out who I actually did like, so she couldn't embarrass me by accidentally announcing my personal preferences to the world. (See previous paragraph.)

So...

When they were both around I would pretend to like him. Not enough for him to think I liked him but just enough to lead her on. (Honest it didn't take much. I just looked at his face a little longer than other peoples and smiled benignly anytime he said anything. I only had to do that when she was looking at me.)

(I can't remember who he was in love with at the time, but it wasn't me. And he didn't notice, and I didn't hurt or confuse him, because he didn't notice... And I would not hurt him. And it's wrong to hurt people just for my own amusement. I know that.)

After a month or so she started to say, "Yeah I've known for a long time that you liked _______."

I would answer with, "No. Just as a friend. It's not like that."

"You can't fool me." She would reply.

Leah thought it was really weird.

I thought it was really funny.

Probably my humor is warped. Not like perverted warped, just all the twists and turns of my psyche are odd.

Hmmm

Of Stepping Stones & White Out

It is painful to be white-outed out of your life. But if your part of our friendship was solely based on your plans for a relationship with my brother it was only a stepping stone to the path your parents had chosen for you.

Rather than a real friendship.

Stepping stones aren't of themselves bad things, and walking on them isn't evil, but people aren't stepping stones.

At least they shouldn't be.

Congrats on your new boy, new future, new life, and new friends.

Bye

Dating Vs Courting

When I first started attending my current church I was startled by how many references the pastor made to courting. He doesn't talk about it much now, but back then was at least every week if not every service.

One day I was at a fast food restaurant with some people from church. I was sitting quietly when suddenly a boy (the P.K. actually) turned to me and asked, "Do you believe in dating or courting?"

I barely know you... I thought glancing his shoulder to see the pastor intently listening. Awkward, uh, what to say, what to say. I shifted through my thoughts...

• A: The boy I like lives in GA and I like him, but I don't want him."
• B: 'My dad wouldn't want me to date yet anyway."

or '

• C: "I'm happily flirting with everyone right now?'  

No. no one understands A without a detailed explanation. (And I so wasn't giving a detailed explanation.) B would be completely uncool for the boy to hear and C would be way awkward for the pastor to hear.

So I just said, "I don't know yet."

He was suitably impressed by my honesty, and the pastor gave me a friendly-understanding-but-perhaps-somewhat-disappointed smile from behind the boys shoulder before turning away.

My (then) best (church) friend and I always wondered what exactly courting meant--To the pastor. I mean he always preached about it, but what did that mean? Definitely meant no sneaking off to make-out at youth camp lol, but what did you do?????

So we asked.
Actually I asked.
I can't remember exactly what he said.

Sorry.

You'll have to ask for yourself.

---------

Some years later in the middle of our 10 millionth discussion about dating Vs courting the same guy turned to me on the way home from this 6 flags trip. "So what do you do if you haven't decided yet [if you want to marry the person]?"

"You date them to find out." I replied.

Nuff said.

Assuming Catfights and Much Awkwardness

This week ________  parents were at my house and were talking about their youngest son.

Mom asked if he was in a relationship...

"Yes, we are praying about a couple of sisters." his mom answered.

"Sisters!" I thought "Doesn't he know better?" (But I kept my mouth shut. Yay me!)

I am familiar with the whole UPC way of dating, but, sisters that's a bit much. I started picturing these sisters sitting on their bed chatting like Leah and I do, "So your date with _____ last night; did you have fun?" Then the other answering, "Um, maybe, well yeah," before blurting out, "Did you kiss him when you went out on Saturday?" Then there would be a catfight and much awkwardness. Not much sisterly bonding between them I assumed.

I listened for a bit; apparently the prettier one is snooty, and the not so cute one is really sweet, but well, not very pretty. They hope he picks the sweet one. And his parents adore him, so they never said anything about the possibility of these sisters deciding they didn't want him. (I didn't mention that either; Yay me! I'm so nice lately)
After a bit I figured out that she meant 'sisters' to be 'sisters in the Lord' rather than 'they have a lot of sibling rivalry', But it took a while.

(I was glad I didn't say all the snarky things I was thinking. lol.)

Another reason to leave off calling everyone Sister or Brother?

Guys Get No Validation

Later that day we were sitting in a circle and talking about love and getting married etc. (lotta talk no action that's us lol) and it came up how several of the (older) girls, me included, are forever talking about marrying the tall blonde boy.

"You need to wait until he is 18; After he is 18 you can all fight it out." his brother said.

I gulped inside; Surely he doesn't think we are serious about marrying him. 8 years man. I am 8 years older than him--8 years is the life of forever. At least since he is still a teenager. (Older and more mature people can have a bigger gap.)

So I said "Yeah well [He's] pretty, but it's not like that."

The Tall Blonde Boy cheerily said "Thank you Esther," (referring to the pretty comment.)

"--Pretty! Don't call [my brother] pretty! Pretty is too girly!"

He was right of course.

"I don't usually use pretty for guys, but what about beautiful?" I asked. (I do regularly call guys beautiful, but not where they can hear. Its' just like when talking to another girl about a guy and am like, 'Yes, he is beautiful'.) Was just curious to hear a guys take on that.

"No that's just too much," answered the brother.

"Well what do you call guys?"

"I don't call them anything. I'm just like, "Man you need a shower; you stink...."

"Sexy Beast' that's what Toby calls me. Or ravishing--Ravishing; that's what I'm going to start calling guys, 'man you really look ravishing today' "The Tall Blonde Boy chuckled, and grinned.

I suppose I could write, "How sad that it must be said so over the top; that a compliment must be a joke in order to be said at all."

--But it would be really weird to me if the guys started telling each other "You look really cute today" or "That color brings out your eyes. You should wear it more often."

Too bizarre. Girls say that kind of things to guys or to each other. Guys say that to girls. But to each other....

So yeah....

I'm un-happy with the status quo.

But also un-happy for my brothers and guy friends to not be getting the affirmation and ego boosts that they often need

Life's not fair.

Dating & Courting & Why & Why Not

(Old post from my drafts)

I was at a friend's birthday party when her dad turned to me and asked, "Gal when are you gonna start datin'?"

My dad answered for me. (Doncha hate it when people do that? Grrr.)

"No, she is not going to date. She is going to wait and marry the person she is going to marry." He beamed happily at everyone in the room.

And me? I said nothing till a few weeks later. (It was not a good time.)

But I am so not doing that. I mean how does that even work?

A friend once told me, "I don't think you should date unless you are planning to marry the person."

I'm like, "How do you know you want to marry the person unless you date them first."

I do have some guidelines. I don't think you should date just anyone, or do just anything. My definition of dating might be your definition of courting.

But if I felt obligated to wait until I was planning to marry someone I would be too terrified to ever be in a relationship at all.

Singles Meeting

My church is having a singles meeting tonight at 7:00. All the singles are weirded out, and wondering if it will be awkward and strange.

We all joke that we’ll be told, "Pick a name out of the hat & you need to marry whoever you get. We are tired of having so many unattached youth."

My Dad was a little worried when he first heard of it; I believe he thought it was a pick-a-person-&-go-on-a-date-with-them singles meeting. (A professor at Roxy's school has his students do something like that; he sets his students up as a part of his class, even planning their dates and paying for them I believe)

When announcing the meeting pastor said, "Before I was married I thought singleness was a disease--and I had it." He went on to say," Most young people believe they need to be married to be complete. Whoever marries them will only get a half a person."So I imagine we are all to learn that singleness is good and; to be content in the season we are in.....

Probably it will be uncomfortable. Maybe it will be good for us.

Chocolate & "What is the best way to break up with your girlfriend?"

I grabbed another handful (ok, ok, it was two handfuls) of baby MM’s packages and promptly began to open and eat them. My sugar addiction is back full force.

“So…Esther how has life been lately? You ok? Have you been having a hard time?” One of the guys asked.

Huh? What?

“Girls eat sugar when they’re sad."

Apparently over lunch our guys had a lengthy discussion about girls. No surprise there, but the rest of the topic was hilarious: What is the best way to break up with your girlfriend?

They determined that when breaking up with your girlfriend she would be sad.
(Good job boys. That’s a correct assumption.)

They determined that girls eat chocolate when we are sad, or depressed.
(I don’t, but yes most girls do eat lots of sugar when they are sad.)

They decided that chocolate cheers girls up, and makes them happy.
(Very few girls would disagree.)

They decided it was best for a girl to be cheered up after a break up, “Not that it would be possible for a girl to be all the way cheered-up after losing me, but…” (That was Josh.)

So…

“We decided it’s a good idea to bring a girl a box of chocolates when you break up with her”
(WHAT!!!)

Wow. What a conflicting message.

Yes it's true, most girls do eat lots of sugar when they are sad. This is inclusive of--but not limited to--breakups. If, however, you are too loving to whoever you are breaking up with they will decide you are still in love with them. 'It'll all work out. In a few weeks we'll be back together.' After they realize that is not going to happen they will be even more depressed.

Anyone want a free bag of candy? Click on the link, and print the coupon; if you take it to K-Mart they will ring it up with a bag of Halloween candy, and the candy will be free. This is only good for today and tomorrow.

Were am I at. Where am I going

We have been talking about marriage and love and relationships a lot. I love that our group at church knows how to talk about relationships—even if we don’t have much personal experience. It's good for me to know that I'm not the only one who is lonely.

We encourage each other --that encouragement has kept our group close to each other and close to God.

We don’t like being alone, yet we want to wait on a man (or a woman) who is into God, and into us (Hello people, Even if a guy loves God unless he cares about you too that would be one unfulfilled relationship. And on the other side, I don't have to be in love (or even deeply in like) to be in a relationship, but golly, I should at least be crushing on the fellow a little. I think if God wants me to be with someone surely we will both like each other. [This is my sermon to myself to keep me from succumbing to the pressures of loneliness, and dating the poor boys that are unfortunate enough to like me. People are worth more than that Esther. You've tried to make yourself like someone before, and yeah you came to like him a little, but you know you just didn't care that much. People are worth more than that.]. Un-reciprocated love: ya gotta hate it.)

Sometimes we wonder, "where am I at and where am I going. And when and why and why not...And (of course) with whom am I going there, wherever there is."

Ultimately though, we just need to trust that God will take care of us. He will because he’s God, and he’s big enough, and, because he cares about us. My life is in God’s hands; why am scared about how it will turn out?

When I freak out about my aloneness I try to remind myself of Gods faithfulness. He has always taken care of me so far. I know he can handle my love life--or rather the lack of it.

Life hurts us sometimes. People hurt us sometimes. But God will take care of us. So that makes life good. Really good. Better-than-we-give-God-credit-for good.