Surviving Skinny

I'm trying to start wearing more fitted clothes.

Recently one of my girl friends started telling me how another girl was talking about how "All of the Libbeys have curvy butts--except Esther."

This is highly insulting.

I am a blood born Libbey: I have a bum.

But then she followed the insult, by saying, in the same conversation, "You already wear your clothes too tight."

After you have insulted my supposed lack of curves, you have lost your right to insult me for wearing clothes that show them.

How can I be too-curvy-for-my-clothes and curve-less at the same time?

Don't ever tell me that I don't have curves. I'll be tempted to prove otherwise.

Watching Everything Crumble

I wrote most of this in the beginning (or middle?) of last year. Apparently breakups take time. (Posting what I write, if I ever do, takes time too.)

Watching Everything Crumble

Watching everything crumble
Relieved... it's all over (added 9-24-15)

Wondering... as I  watch you walk away a third time.
("Three strikes and out" an umpire's voice gravely booming.)

Thinking... if I didn't wait this long,
Would I always regret and wonder?

Knowing... that I still wonder. (A little.)

Time is finite. And ours is gone.
BUT our time. Was it really wasted?

Don't call me a mistake.
Or do. And I'll pretend not to care.

I'm fine with this, our past, I'm just questioning the future(s.)
Can we grow distant without becoming mean and jaded.

Will I somehow walk safely through this (breakup) despite knives from should-be spectators.

Sometimes we protect things, BECAUSE they are being stolen.
Keep people BECAUSE they are being taken.

Is this still worth fighting for?
No, not anymore, but it was worth having.

I only ever asked for 2nd place. Accepted 5th for far too long.
Los(er) win. Game over.

Breakover (Breakup Inspired Makeover): Goals

I have always planned to give myself a makeover after this break-up.

This was the plan even before I had a boyfriend, so it's a big deal.

'Yes, perhaps things will end, and hearts will be broken, but here is a coping strategy for just in case.'

I know it sounds pessimistic to pre-plan a thing that hasn't happened, but planning keeps me from stressing about the 'what-if's' and helps me to stop cowering and make life choices. Less shell shock too.

One of my best friends, when we were teenagers, was dumped and showed up blonde and curly headed the next week. She sang in the youth choir that week, and the youth leader asked me,"Who is that lady?"

She has been my break-over inspiration for so many years.

But I've been quite completely single for x amount of months, and have not yet done anything to myself.

...Well, I reshaped my eyebrows; that's something.

But

I mostly like my hair: it changes colors according to what I'm wearing (and according to how much gel I've got in it.) Plus I don't want to kill off my curls.

I want to do something though.

I plan to write new experiences next to these memories instead of disassociating myself from them completely.

I'm going to have sad memories that are stuck in my head for this specific time frame, and while I'm not trying to rewrite my experiences or white out my choices, I do want something else to remember this part of life by.

I find it helpful to have another mind topic to jump into if I'm dwelling too heavily on painful memories, or if I start getting too bitter with 'the people.'

But the big question remains.

--What should I do to myself?

Sigh.

Problems and Promises

Quit maximizing the demons your fighting... That's the same or close to minimizing the saviour.

Us pretending this problem is Goliath preventing... but really he's just a toy soldier fighting.

In the hand of foolish children.
Seen by the eyes of an all knowing Father.

And even Goliath fell. Don't forget that we were ALL given a Brother.

Do you see your 'stones of stumbling' like Bumblebee, or the evil warriors he's fighting (from transformers) when really it's just a few micro-machines?

In the eyes of Our King?
Yeah, but not ONLY in his eyes. We say cringing.

You are His child. Whose eyes should YOU have?

Stop. This. Fearful. Tear filled.
Double vision. Double minded nonsense.

Says the girl who can't sleep cause her head won't shut up.

Says the girl purposely avoiding her Bible 'cause lately she gets so obsessed with stories and storms.

And worries because every voice she hears is not His.

But

After Jesus

Even Goliath (AKA Judas or Pontius Pilate) gets a chance at redemption.

That's the glory of salvation. The possible transformation of villains to heroes. Freedom not to continue in hate but to become similar to Him.

Are we His children? Make an introduction.

-Esther

Mainstream Modesty

I believe it's best to not show your thighs, cleavage or abs...

I also believe immodesty doesn't make people into hell-bound sinners.

---

Yes I walk that fence.

--

So shoot me. I'm a wolf in sheep's clothing...  

...Or a sheep in wolves clothing.

Or so you would think if you heard people talk about anyone who chooses to live differently from mainstream American people.

...Or differently from typical Holiness Pentecostal.

And still claim Christ

Call themselves holy

Set apart

Consecrated

--

I don't want to be set apart if that means hiding. Jesus was friends with prostitutes. Would he refuse to befriend someone for showing too much skin?

I love people from all different walks of life, including the ones who are walking the wrong direction.

But! I wanna wear clothes!

I see no need. And dislike the idea.

Of getting people to like me because my body is nice...

--

It’s scary when 'tis assumed that the outside style determines the entire inside heart of a person. (Either way. Even when it's assumed about the people 'who wear too many clothes.')

But also. Although.

I.

Am.

Not.

Responsible.

Ror your husband's lust problems.

I'm not going to ever intentionally feed someone else's evil beast...

So I try to dress in looser clothes around people who have body obsession issues. And live in a manner, so as to not awaken your demons.

But they ARE your demons. Not mine. Don't forget THAT distinction sir.

Or ma'am.

Some ladies with a lotta skin showing ARE trying to stir up lust. It's not all accidental...

Some intentionally choose a low cut top, then start poking fun of the man driven to drop his head... or staring in awkward idolization.

But more often its done out of desperation.... "I neeeed people to see me as pretty. I am gonna die without a boyfriend." (Don't marginalize and criticize unless you're able and willing to see these girls as pretty with their curves covered up.)

I've also heard the other side-

"I hate it, but this is THE ONLY WAY to keep my husband's attention..." (That's an awful concept, but sometimes it works... What amount of skin would you give up if it kept your husband eyes from constantly straying?)

---

But the point I'm wanting to make-

...Some ladies really don't know, and/or just expect other people to deal with their own issues. 

Expect men to conquer and control their own sin nature.

Showing cleavage or abs or whatever; that's just another accessory. (I'm not saying it should be...)

But people SHOULD deal with their problems instead of accusing others.

Don't blame an innocent man/woman/child for your unconquered lust.

Lust is a spirit. Whoever has it; its their job to master it.

Still

Life is a power struggle. Which dog? The angel or demon on HIS shoulder? Which one? Who are you feeding?

And why?

What would you sacrifice in order to win that broken person.

How much is your sex appeal worth? Would you ever lose it IF you'd win a soul by hiding 'what everyone's mamma gave us.'

Sometimes we hurt...

It's so common for people to hide pain in an attempt to show the world that we are loved and protected. A facade that we believe will enhance our reputation or protect our emotions.

Christians often follow along

We have such good motives... Refuse to don't talk about our wounds, because we want to show that Christianity is easy, and good.

And it is.

EASIER... than the alternative.

But pretending away scars gives others false reassurance. -That they will never be wounded. -Never be expected to stand against the oppressor... -Or against a misguided friend.

We hide the complete realization that there is both Grace after sin--AND Freedom from falling into sin (or bondage, or addiction) found in Jesus. We accidentally keep our friends or enemies from fully grasping the salve we already know is available.

Sometimes God Himself allows bad things to come bother us, though he gets mad. (IF they beat the innocent.)

But
God himself is limited... in His protection.

...to the area/s where he is welcome.

IF a person hasn't allowed God control of all of themselves, they are able to become mean or sinful. Or willing to allow spite and hate to dump on others and pretend away responsibility. (Just one small example.)

God doesn't order anyone to be good.

Sometimes even evil itself is outside of His jurisdiction...

If we put it there
Refuse to condemn the problem

In our effort to protect the guilty
We refuse to stand up for the innocent

Have you refused to be a judge
Or cast down right judgement

--
Have you ever done a bad thing? Have you always been perfect? Did God stop you? Or was it people? Or maybe yourself.

Now flip it

Have you ever been treated bad. Has your life always been perfect?

Did God fail you, or was it people? Maybe even yourself.
--
God expects His children to be about His business

It is our job to stand up. We are to be Jesus to the world.
---
Don't throw away the darkness, you just walked through. Learn to be a light in that particular storm.

Don't delete all your druggie friends numbers... You should be able to be a light in their storm.
YOU. YOU ARE JESUS TO THEIR WHOLE WORLD.

Don't forget your past.
It may become their future.

But you may also be able to exchange that destiny. (For a relatively small price--remembering your own pain.)

The blind can't lead the blind BUT a formerly blind man IS often the best person to lead a blind man to Jesus.

Which paths to avoid,

but more importantly

How awe inspiring the Sonrise(ing) to power... in a once blackened life.

Inner Critic

I often hear people talking about the angry little person inside their head always cutting, and criticizing.

"You're worthless, and stupid, and ugly." Like demons haunting their thoughts with failure and rejection...

Popular opinion seems to be, "Fight or belittle it. Tell yourself that it is a scared hateful little child, or a stupid idiot."

"My children WILL NOT have that little person in their head" Dan told me, "I will raise them in happiness. I WILL be a better father."

But our inner critics have a POSITIVE purpose.

(Don't lose them altogether...)

...please

Listen to this...

My 'little people' in my head adore me. Wouldn't trade em for a million bucks. My inner self is hilarious, and almost always kind. My 'demons' protect me from the darkness, and turn angels in the blinding light. Remind me I'm always safe. And free.

But they're happy. They say.

If I'm having a rough day my head makes me happy. My inner self creates rainbows DURING each storm. I laugh at sadness itself, (though really I shouldn't ignore the negative emotions...)

Your head is mean to you.

Why?

My head occasionally gets mean. My inner 'children', grumpy thoughts, get unruly from time to time.

If I ignore myself:

Pretend that emotions don't matter

And goals are worthless...

That my needs have no purpose

Or my voice has no renascence...

OR if I pretend others don't matter...
That ME I'm always number 1

Maybe it's you who is the problem

You've failed to raise your thoughts

Your past remains their present

It's the people who are mean... to them

Is what my inner voice says.

Clinging closer in horror

--

Tolley-ball & Libbey Word Wars

Gasp! Fighting! In public!

---
What side are you on?
Pick a side!

I'm on the sidelines.

Then do something.
Pick a team. Cheer OR heckle!
--
We are boring spectators -My family.
Silently passive--even when greatly interested.

Sigh. 

-

Got game though:
We told our friends that it would be possible to mislead others to believe we'd been in church. Every time the ball changes teams, "Service!" is yelled. "We had great service." Lol

My body is a temple; gotta take care of her, but I'm bored of exercise. Tired of games.

My family; we pick on each other for fun... That's abnormal?

One guy asked me, "Why are we always like 2 rocks beating each other, Esther?"

I was all, "Dude you're always jabbing me. I thought you enjoyed jousting." in my head. But later out-loud I said, "I'm working on not being so mean to you all the time,"

Let his own meanness slide.
Allowed the fight that we had die.

So sad.

To think of all his wit wasted. I prefer sharp.

but to each his own.

Skinny Women Unite!

"Real women have curves!"

"But models just look like 12 year old boys."

"Real men like curves. Only dogs like bones."

"Before skinny was popular, there was something called sexy."

Grrr!

I have curves too. They're just... um... smaller. Skinny women having no curves is just a mean stereotype.

And even those scrawny, straight-up-and-down curve-less ladies are real women. Real woman who are often just as self conscious about their androgynous frame as you are about your chunky one.

Sometimes more.

Why do women who are self conscious about their bodies feel implying other women are fake or unattractive is somehow righting an injustice?

Because it doesn't. It doesn't help anything or anyone.

It just projects criticism onto a different set of women's bodies.

I'm nice to people of all sizes. It would be mean for me to say something like, "Why would any man want a fat jiggly girl?" (And I haven't said that. I know that some men prefer bigger ladies--in fact I've had a few look at my skinny frame and tell me so... even going so far as telling me I should take pills to get fatter...)

But it's just as horrible of you to say, "Why would a guy want a skinny-looking girl?" (Because my girl friends have said that and so much more- not usually-specifically pointing at my body- but openly generalizing about bodies in general, and skinny ladies in specific.)

Why do people think it's OK to be mean to skinny people!

Be nice or I will sit on you. (And I've been told that my bony butt hurts people's thighs, but you so deserve that.)