(I will conquer you) I Want Straight Hair

Not for always. Love my curls.

I just want straight hair to be an option. Without having kinks stage a successful takeover two hours after I leave the house.

Preferably also without 3 days preparation time.
I just want to look nice. If I can't make straightened hair look good why bother. (For a long time I've stayed curly.)

But I'm tired of curls.

So I've been experimenting with  my straightening routine (on days when I won't see people.) I now know how to get my hair to stay reasonably straight, but it's still really big.

Here are some pics of my straightened hair.


Sigh.

And you think that's bad? That's not all my hair. All this is still in the back, I'm like a walking hairball...

I didn't allow myself to stay home, (Yay me.) but I had to pull it back which worked, but made straightening it a waste of time... 

Lately...

Half the time I think, 'Wow, its really nice of them to put up with my beliefs.'

And it is. And I know that.

But lately I really wish I had friends who share my values. Rather than just those who cope with my having them.

I should try to cultivate some closer friendships outside of my usual circles.

Probably.
Definitely

Sigh.

I Shall Call it My Funeral Purse

6:20: home from work and running up the steps 2 at a time. The funeral started at 7:00, and was who-knows-where in Athens. Threw a black outfit onto my bed, then onto my body. Then deodorant (or did I forget that?) Brushed my teeth, used salicylic acid cleansing pads on my face.

6:29 out the door: hoping my brother knows how to find this place. Stepped into Josh's car and used smoothing cream on my frizzy curls. Moved my wallet and a few important items from my messenger bag style purse and into a classy black clutch.

6: 46 made it to Ziegler's Funeral Home: breathed a sigh of relief to be early rather than late.
---
I never met him, but Ross was in his 60's, and mentally handicapped all his life. His mom, who he had lived with all his life, died last month. Everyone said, "He is happier in heaven."

...I'm really glad we went, because I love his family a lot, and staying helped them to know it.
---
"We are ready to start the service," the funeral director said into his mouthpiece, so everyone was seated, and the piano player (Tabitha Scott) began a song.

Everyone sat quietly except the lady on the other side of Josh. She started emptying her purse's contents onto her lap, then shoved it across his lap and into mine, "You like small purses?" she whispered loudly.

"Uh huh," then trying to be polite whispered, "Yours is nice,"

"Enjoy it," she said, adding emphatically, "I can NOT carry a small purse!"

'Oh, she is giving this to me,' it sunk in.

What do you say to someone who gives you a Prada purse in the middle of a funeral?

I panicked inside.

You know how it is when people give you something (especially something expensive) and expect you to fall madly in love with the awesomeness of the wonderful amazing gift and will periodically ask to make sure you tuck it into bed with you after kissing it goodnight? But you are just 'meh' and wondering how fast you can toss it without them knowing.

I was afraid it would be like that.

So I said, "Are you sure? It's nice, but I don't know for sure if I'd carry it."

She grinned and replied, "That's fine. You don't have to keep it. Give it away. I don't care. Just take it."

I said thanks, and she turned her attention back to the funeral.

While I stole glances at the purse in my lap.

'Structured' was my first thought. 'Alligator leather' was my second. Then 'Not my style.'

'But oddly enough I rather like it.'

-Happiness

Life is still worth living without a boyfriend

Another several-months-old post from my drafts...

There was a Sunday recently that Pastor ended his sermon talking about how, "Our young people lately have felt pressured to date someone... Our young people need to not settle for just anyone breathing."

I stayed in the back, and scrunched my face up thinking about the time we were talking about couples, and I had said "Life is still worth living without a boyfriend. It's still good." The girl had answered, "Not really. It isn't. Not hardly."

Then she started dating a boy and proclaiming her love and adoration for him all while mournfully saying things like "I've crossed the tracks. My life is going downhill from here on out," in reference to her relationship....

So there I was annoyingly thinking pitying thoughts about him. When my brother-in-law came over to me. Where I was standing. And prayed for me. Just by myself. He looked so sincere, and was praying So loudly.

About that subject. About not settling for a not good enough guy....

About me.

I stood there feeling my face get red... Afterward I laughed awkwardly, and told him, "I'm not settling. I'm not even dating anyone right now. What was that for?.."

Yeah anyway awkward.

But what is settling to you?

Do Things Poorly: In Defence of the Mediocre

My latest goal (well one of them) is to do things poorly.

(That's just the way I word it to myself, so that I remember.)

People talk about perfectionism as if it's a wonderful glorious thing. As if perfectionists do everything perfectly, and thus are perfect.

That's not true.

Perfectionists often skip important things because they aren't smart enough or skilled enough to do that thing perfectly. Or they wait until, "I have time to do a good [perfect] job."

Sometimes they take so much time doing an awesome job, but instead could complete three mediocre jobs in the same time frame... And have some spare time.

Do things poorly

Spare time. Coming right up.

I hope.

Organizing...(And Giving Some of My Clothes Away?) AKA My NonMinimalistic Lifestyle Take 2

My clothes rod fell down last week.

My closet is not set up correctly; one of the clothes rod holder things was not there when I inherited the bedroom. It's a faulty rod setup. That's true. I promise. Here is a picture.

But it fell because it was overloaded.

Mom suggested I use an extra dresser; she also mentioned using the rack that Hannah had used for some of her clothes, but I keep picturing in my head the room a friend/acquaintance's description,

"I shop a lot. Besides my bedroom closet I have an extra bedroom just for clothes, and I have 3 of those big round metal racks that are in stores... I still have to go through it about once a month though and bag up 3 of those big black garbage bags full of clothes to give away every month."

(If I knew her better I would've asked for one or two of those black trash bags of hand-me-down clothes. She buys expensive clothes. And extra clothes racks are tempting.)

But I cringe at the thought of becoming like that. (Ouch!) I spend very little on clothes; I'll never have her credit card payments, but--

Obviously I have too many clothes for my closet. I do have room for another dresser or two since I moved out the spare bed and Hannah's dresser, but I don't want another dresser. I would probably only end up using it for papers and books anyway. (I hate putting clothes in drawers...) I also dislike the thought of another clothes rack. It reeks of losing control, and giving in, and OCD, and my acquaintance whose extra room (turned closet) I am writing about.

In February I wrote about my solution here. "If I don't wear an item within a year I will lose it." I told myself.  Then I turned all my hangers backward to keep track.) It was brilliant. And simple.
But...

My year is only 2/3rds over, and I have worn almost everything.

Before I freed the rod from the grasping hooks of my white plastic hangers I pulled all clothing out that was on backward hangers out, and set them on top of my hamper. There were just a few things and I easily dropped them into my giveaway box.

Surprisingly I had worn almost all of the clothes in my closet.

The hanger challenge did help me purge unnecessary clothing. It just happened sooner than I expected. I gave away clothes each month because I noticed the things that weren't being worn, and that helped me to realize that I didn't need them.

I was somewhat disappointed to not have a big closet clean out day, but it was very painless.

That means I need all my clothes right?

No. I don't. I need for my closet rod to not keep falling. I need my life to be organized.

Tell me I'm not the only one.

"So are you going to that church in Maryville tonight?" Daniel asked Sunday.

(My sister and brother-in-law are very worried about my singleness. They think I will meet a guy there...)

"No."

"Why not?"

"I'm broke out."

"Let me see your face." It was a demand not a question.

"Two Pimples. How tragic." Shalom said sarcastically. "That is nothing. You're freaking out over two pimples. Don't you normally get a few every month?"

"No, I don't! I use a face mask a few days before and stay clear."

So I went to my usual Sunday night church, Bethesda (And yes there are handsome guys there, but they've seen me at my roughest already, so it doesn't make much difference...)

Still I did not hang out afterwards. Even though I was asked a lot of times, and one of the guys said, "Come with?" in a sad begging little boy voice. Begging is better from masculine men.  :)

Do you let your bad hair/skin day get in the way of your life?

I tell myself that sometimes its ok--Just not all the time. And I'm not allowed to completely avoid everyone non related to me just because I don't feel pretty.

So My Overloaded Clothes Rod Crashed... Again

"Will you fix my closet please?" I looked up at him with big sad eyes.

I always ask Seth or N8 when I need help. Truthfully any of the brothers would help me, but N8 & Seth screw things/carry heavy objects/kill bees without having to remind them a lot of times. And they don't make fun of me for asking.

(Well except that time I had a nightmare about sock snakes. They ALL still laugh at me 4 that...)

I don't feel like I am a bother to them. (Or at least not much of a bother...)

But my clothes rod fell several times while I shared a closet with Hannah. Plus once since she moved out. It's not the first time I've asked for help putting it back up. So I kinda expected some ragging...

"Again!" Seth said, then turned to a sibling (I can't remember which one.) "I'm not fixin' that thang til she gets rid of some stuff. 500 lbs of clothes and she wonders why it keeps fallin'..."

Actually I've never wondered why it falls. I've always known I have too many clothes on the rod. The Libbey part of me wanted to prove that his statement incorrect, and I could have, but when you want something from someone you are not to argue with their beside-the-point logic. (Pick your battles; I learned that in church.)

One side of my mouth turned down, "I did take some things out," I said quietly, hung my head sadly, and slouched my shoulders in mock defeat, (FYI: My shame and sadness were not faked only exemplified.)

It didn't work.

Actually he was still going to fix it.
I know he would've.
He always does.

But just in case... "If you fix my closet I'll go to town and buy you candy!"

Libbey's love candy A LOT. According to Leah's facebook page she loves candy more than she loves me. That's sad :(

"Naw I'll fix it. For free. You don't even have to give me candy."

And he did.

I feel very loved.

I went to town and bought candy anyway. Then I ate it all.
That's sad :(

2009 Goal (well one of them): Take more Pictures

 Looking at pictures lately...

Why is my neck at that weird angle?

Must I always wrap my arms around people's waist when I am photographed with them? I look like I'm enthusiastically squashing them to death...Creepy

I need to look at the camera when a picture is being taken. My smile is great. My face is facing the camera, but.... my eyes are darting in the opposite direction.

Dude I need to straighten my shoulders. Do I usually slump like that?

I should have put my heels back on on; that dress drags.

Whats with all the junk in the background?

Plus

Dead pictures haha. I <3 them.

That day was so much fun.

My eyebrows are considerably nicer now.

My life is really cool. Look at all the neat things I've done lately.

I love my friends.

Memories...
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"Take a picture with me," Sharon said pulling out her cell phone.

"Right now? In the middle of Wal-mart??!!" I asked, cringing slightly as shoppers milled past.

She glanced down the aisle we were standing in, "Yeah, I don't think anything of it... I do it all the time. Shell and I take pictures everywhere."

I glanced awkwardly around, "OK. Sure." then I bent at my knees so my face would be closer to her level. (I have a lot of short friends. Really, really short friends...)

She took 3 or 4 pictures; they were all off focus or blurry or showing only half of each of our faces.

"Last one." I said, and cheesed one more time. "If this one doesn't work I'm giving up."
------------
I should let people take pictures with me. I know that. I like pictures. It's just... I am showing my age I know, but taking pictures in the middle of Wal-mart feels so weird.
------------

Leah isn't really any more photogenic than me. She does have self portrait skills, holding the camera up and centering herself perfectly. But the real reason she has so many more pics is because she takes the time to take pictures. A lot of them.

A piece of that is really weird and awkward to me.

But I would like to have more pictures. So, yeah, my latest goal is to start taking pictures more often. I'm a little too old to be making Wal-Mart my personal photo booth, but elsewhere you know.
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I wrote most of this post in 2009.
------
After the jump: a few pictures from after our formal dinner.

I shall name this post Spots

This is me...

I'm 25. My face shouldn't still be an oil slick.

But...since my sebaceous (oil) glands forgot to notice that I've grown up I gotta work to keep my face clear.

And I do. And it is.

(mostly)

But sometimes I break out :o

When that happens

I don't cry or scream. Thats childish.

Instead I pout. (How mature of me...)

In this pic I have the Proactive refining mask dotted on my face. (I don't use their skincare line; just the mask.)

...But one night I had dotted a little on a couple of breakouts and forgot to wash it off in the morning. So uh... I went to work with spots. "Um Esther you've got toothpaste on your face," Jeff said.

So now I use Mario Badescue's drying cream. They gave me the cutest samples a year ago. (Probably I love the tiny containers more than the products--Weird me.) The drying cream works really well though, It's a little too yellow, but blends with my skin color, so I can get away with wearing it throughout the day. I'll probably buy some when I use up this sample, but it should last another year or two, since I rarely need it.

So Tiny!! See the size comparison with a bobby pin. Adorable!!

------------

"Esther why are you posting this?"

"The pic? To go with my post-- besides you told me to take more pictures."

"This wasn't what I had in mind when I told you to start taking more pictures."

"My cheeks are cute anyway. Look how fat they are."

"Avoidance. You are avoiding the subject."

*Sigh*

"Is it really a good idea to mention all your skin care stuff? Shouldn't you pretend to never do anything and still have perfect skin?"

"You want me to lie?!!" *gasp*

"Omitting those things isn't lying; it's tact--and you know it."

"Get over yourself. It's a funny picture."

"Whatever, ok keep the picture, but it's more than just about the picture... You should think about it. Didn't one of your mentors tell you to never tell anyone about any of your flaws?"

To be continued

"--Um No. Not to be continued.."

"I wasn't talking to you."

---
The best thing about arguing with myself?
I usually win.
The worst thing... I tend to lose