Inner Critic

I often hear people talking about the angry little person inside their head always cutting, and criticizing.

"You're worthless, and stupid, and ugly." Like demons haunting their thoughts with failure and rejection...

Popular opinion seems to be, "Fight or belittle it. Tell yourself that it is a scared hateful little child, or a stupid idiot."

"My children WILL NOT have that little person in their head" Dan told me, "I will raise them in happiness. I WILL be a better father."

But our inner critics have a POSITIVE purpose.

(Don't lose them altogether...)

...please

Listen to this...

My 'little people' in my head adore me. Wouldn't trade em for a million bucks. My inner self is hilarious, and almost always kind. My 'demons' protect me from the darkness, and turn angels in the blinding light. Remind me I'm always safe. And free.

But they're happy. They say.

If I'm having a rough day my head makes me happy. My inner self creates rainbows DURING each storm. I laugh at sadness itself, (though really I shouldn't ignore the negative emotions...)

Your head is mean to you.

Why?

My head occasionally gets mean. My inner 'children', grumpy thoughts, get unruly from time to time.

If I ignore myself:

Pretend that emotions don't matter

And goals are worthless...

That my needs have no purpose

Or my voice has no renascence...

OR if I pretend others don't matter...
That ME I'm always number 1

Maybe it's you who is the problem

You've failed to raise your thoughts

Your past remains their present

It's the people who are mean... to them

Is what my inner voice says.

Clinging closer in horror

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Tolley-ball & Libbey Word Wars

Gasp! Fighting! In public!

---
What side are you on?
Pick a side!

I'm on the sidelines.

Then do something.
Pick a team. Cheer OR heckle!
--
We are boring spectators -My family.
Silently passive--even when greatly interested.

Sigh. 

-

Got game though:
We told our friends that it would be possible to mislead others to believe we'd been in church. Every time the ball changes teams, "Service!" is yelled. "We had great service." Lol

My body is a temple; gotta take care of her, but I'm bored of exercise. Tired of games.

My family; we pick on each other for fun... That's abnormal?

One guy asked me, "Why are we always like 2 rocks beating each other, Esther?"

I was all, "Dude you're always jabbing me. I thought you enjoyed jousting." in my head. But later out-loud I said, "I'm working on not being so mean to you all the time,"

Let his own meanness slide.
Allowed the fight that we had die.

So sad.

To think of all his wit wasted. I prefer sharp.

but to each his own.

Skinny Women Unite!

"Real women have curves!"

"But models just look like 12 year old boys."

"Real men like curves. Only dogs like bones."

"Before skinny was popular, there was something called sexy."

Grrr!

I have curves too. They're just... um... smaller. Skinny women having no curves is just a mean stereotype.

And even those scrawny, straight-up-and-down curve-less ladies are real women. Real woman who are often just as self conscious about their androgynous frame as you are about your chunky one.

Sometimes more.

Why do women who are self conscious about their bodies feel implying other women are fake or unattractive is somehow righting an injustice?

Because it doesn't. It doesn't help anything or anyone.

It just projects criticism onto a different set of women's bodies.

I'm nice to people of all sizes. It would be mean for me to say something like, "Why would any man want a fat jiggly girl?" (And I haven't said that. I know that some men prefer bigger ladies--in fact I've had a few look at my skinny frame and tell me so... even going so far as telling me I should take pills to get fatter...)

But it's just as horrible of you to say, "Why would a guy want a skinny-looking girl?" (Because my girl friends have said that and so much more- not usually-specifically pointing at my body- but openly generalizing about bodies in general, and skinny ladies in specific.)

Why do people think it's OK to be mean to skinny people!

Be nice or I will sit on you. (And I've been told that my bony butt hurts people's thighs, but you so deserve that.)

(Last week)

Hugely exaggerated stories. Malicious talk...

The third thing, after shock and pain, that filled my mind was, 'Woah how dare they tell such horrid lies, and attempt [semi successfully] to ostracize everyone associated with one person just because they didn't get what they wanted...

Then a moment later, "Hmm, I know enough provable dirt on them to show their history of lying, and could easily prove some way worse sins than the one they are falsely claiming my friend is living in.'

..And for a few minutes I thought about blurting it all out. Giving what they gave. Pulling up the net, 'the Internet is forever,' and as of right now there is so many provable contradictions.

Then I remembered-

God's love is forever too
So is God's forgiveness

Forgiveness that not only applies to my best friends, but forgiveness that is available to those that hate them and us, and you. And, well, everyone.

To be a Christian I must be Christlike.

As far as the East is From the West. That's how far I am to forgive.

[May 2014 Update: I'm still in favor of forgiving people, but wish I'd stood up for my friends better.]

God Doesn't Like Vegetables

My family, we eat together. Not every day, but often enough.

"Eat something green" Leah told Seth.

"I'm a carnivore. I eat meat." Seth replied.

"Seriously you should eat some broccoli."

"Hey Abel tried to offer God vegetables, and God didn't want them. Why should we?" Nathaniel said, "Seth is just trying to be more like God."

Fail

So the sweet 26 year old girl I tried to set my older brother up with is.... apparently quite smitten with a just turned 18 year old who is not yet out of highschool.

Dude.

This is why I don't shouldn't play matchmaker.

Untitled Story

I miss you already
        and
I miss 'our' chapter
        but
As I start to slam the book closed
        so
Unhappy with this ending

The Author reminds me
He is writing my book
    (If I let Him)

And it's not over yet

Perhaps we were only minor characters in each other's story
But will be supporting characters in someone else's book

Here's to happy endings...

----

Why. Does. The. Belly. Need. Prayer?

Just posted something about bellies, and now I'm posting this. (Because I told Sharron I probably would post these two old posts from my drafts.) Probably I've written too much about bellies, so that's kinda awkward but...
---
I don't want girls rubbing my belly either.

In fact that is sometimes even more uncomfortable than guys rubbing it. Girls only occasional do so to me, and is more brief, so less intrusive.

Except in church when praying.

One of my friends recently said, "I hate, like, when someone pets my arm. And these people who have to be all over you all the time." She shuddered, "I am not a touchie person."

I made a mental note of her preferences, then said with a shudder, "Yeah well, I am a touchie person, but when people pray for my belly I feel assaulted."

Then that very night at church, "Put your hand on her belly and pray for her." I was told as the guy moved my hand. Usually it's men who tell you to do that. Because they are uncomfortable touching a lady's belly themselves.

But. Why. Does. The. Belly. Need. Prayed. For.

I could understand, maybe, if they were being prayed for a stomach cramp, but... It's like they think a lady's soul is stuck in their belly or something...

I moved my hand, to her shoulder. And someone moved it back.

So there I was with my hand on someones belly with, 'Awkward and squishy. Awkward and squishy. Awkward and squishy'  playing in my mind like a scratched C.D. Not comfortably squishy like pinching a fat roll just... just awkward (seriously I can not explain the horrible terrible awkwardness of praying for someone's belly.)

'I'll just pray for her belt' I told myself, and moved my hand to the wide belt over her waist 'much better.'

People pray for bellies all the time. AS IF it is normal. Or something.

If anyone prays for mine I stand there and waste my prayers on praying that they will leave.
Or tense up and try to keep the frustration out of my face.
I fight nervous laughter.
Or I step away.

Occasionally I continue praying even though my belly is being assaulted. Mostly only if I am really really feeling that the person is lead by God to pray for me.

Edit: Sunday (11-28-10) a lady was praying for me and grabbed my ribs just above my belly. It was still strange, but not horribly so. If your hands need to be in that vicinity my ribs might be an acceptable place for them.

If you see my belly being prayed for, feel free to mention my discomfort to the person and/or send them a link to this post after service. Please.

My Belly is Mine. Not Yours. Please Don't Touch It.

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I know my rock hard abs fascinate you. Oh well.  Get over it. Go pet a turtle.

---

When I was 16 one of my best friends used to always grab me and force me still while petting my belly. And I fussed and fumed and pushed him away, but he just laughed. Finally I talked to his girlfriend, "Can you please, pleeeeease ask ____ to quit touching my belly?" So he stopped. (I'm sure she didn't like watching him always grabbing me either...)

I said that to say I would do so again. A mild threat I guess.

There is another guy who won't stop grabbing me again lately. Ugh it freaks me out.

So to you. (And yes I know that you know I have a blog)

I've already asked you to quit--Please do so.

My belly is off limits for you. I am definitely more cautious around the people who have grabbed my tush and boobs than those who pet my belly. I realize you don't feel that it is a big deal. Maybe even your wife doesn't care.

But I care. My belly is too much for you (a married man) to be rubbing. I realize that your belly is not important to you, and it has been explained to me by various people that acquaintances/friends rubbing each others bellies is the same as a handshake. *Shudder*

I don't consider you a creep. (Only because you are normal in other ways, and I feel your heart is clean.)

However, this particular behavior is creeping me out.

[Edit: I did talk to this recent guy's wife. Bla awkward. But it's over, so that's good.]

"PS: I'm Married" -not me

All the single people at one table. Couples who are friends together. Family's with kids together... (wedding seating arrangements.)

The brides high school best friend was assigned to a 'married-but-spouse-isn't-here-table'. When the other guests assigned to that table moved, and there were extra seats at the singles table, she came to sit there with us. (She knew me a little bit, and didn't know anyone else at the reception...)

One of the guys started talking to her. Not all, "Yeah baby you're hot." Just tastefully flirting--maybe he wouldn't call it that--but he was definitely interested in her, and had singled her out from across the table, was trying his best to keep her conversation, kept asking questions about her life, and was teasing her a little, you know... flirting.

Flirting is acceptable if you're single, or if you're flirting with your spouse or boyfriend or girlfriend.

But when you're married you shouldn't be flirting with people other than your spouse. And even if you're not married yourself, you shouldn't flirt with someone who is.

But she's pretty. He was attracted to her. That wasn't wrong of either of them.

Across the table she tried to get the point out. She started her sentences with, "My husband and I..." and "At my wedding."

"I'm only catching pieces of what you are saying." He leaned eagerly over the table toward her.

She put her hands on the table and started playing with her wedding rings, and holding them to the light to admire them.

It took a while, but finally he realized she was married. His eyes got big and he pulled back. But she left him with his dignity. And that impressed me.

I picture myself saying something blunt and horrid like, "By the way I'm married stop flirting with me."

What's sad is that Leah's first words when we were talking about it was, "Yeah you would say 'Dude I'm married. Quit flirting with me'. or something horrid and rude like that."

I'm going to learn tact.