Thursday, October 7, 2010

I Could Really Use A Change of Heart

"Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" he asked.

Self conscious, I slouched a little down the wall, "I would like to be married."

"Do you plan to keep a job after you're married?"

"Until I have kids." The thought of staying home with children all the time is not an exciting thought to me. But I believe that the parents should raise their children not the grandma. (When beliefs and desires conflict; I usually stick to beliefs...)

"I was thinking that, so theres not a lot of point of you going to school."

"Weeeeell 5 years ago I wouldn't have expected myself to be still single today, soooo."

"But that was by choice right? You could be married by now if you wanted to."

'Shove it in my face man... Yes. I walked away from everyone.'

I was busy, they didn't suit me, one (or 8) of my friends were in love with him and I didn't want to destroy my girl friendships, or I was scared...or my heart was otherwise occupied, so I didn't give anyone else a chance.

Mostly the heart-being-otherwise-occupied thing.

I'm everything or nothing; either intensely in like, or planning my escape. Usually both simultaneously. I hate that. Blast this.

What is the matter with me?


Amy Lizzy said...

Do what you know is right for you now. Later, when later comes, you can worry about later. :)

db said...

I agree with Amy. Most of the time, there is a reason why things don't go as planned (or desired). I, myself, am baffled as to 'who', 'when', 'where'... constantly. I've had my fair share of relationships throughout my 28 years, and though I don't regret loving those girls, I still feel remorse for wasting our collective time. Now that I've had time to grow in the Lord, I'm not so focused on just 'finding someone that I love'... I'm focused on 'Lord, please lead me to the woman that YOU want me to be with. Until then, no wasting time. No more 'unsettled' loves...and PLEASE no more crushes unless I'm being led. I am more than willing to wait... so please teach me to be patient.' So, here I am, still be patient. Happy about it? No. Those are the breaks, though. Dealing in God's time can be somewhat frustrating to say the least... but at least I know this: In the end, when it's time... it will happen. And it will be like nothing else I've ever experienced. I'll be whole and truly happy thanks to the Lord and my Wife. That's worth waiting for in my eyes. I feel your pain though... trust me. This thing called time can be quite the headache.