Just Esther

Skinny Women Unite!

2011-11-03T20:22:00.016-05:00

If I hear "Real women have curves!" one more time!

Grrr!

I have curves too. They're just... um... smaller.

And even those scrawny, straight-up-and-down curve-less ladies are real women. Real woman who are often just as self conscious about their androgynous frame as you are about your chunky one.

Why do women who are self conscious about their bodies feel implying other women are fake is somehow righting an injustice?

Because it doesn't.

I'm nice to people of all sizes. Why do people think it's ok to be mean to skinny people!

Be nice or I will sit on you. (And I've been told that my bony butt hurts people's thighs, but you so deserve that.)

Jk

(Last week)

2011-08-22T19:31:00.020-05:00

Hugely exaggerated stories. Malicious talk...

The third thing, after shock and pain, that filled my mind was, 'Woah how dare they tell such horrid lies, and attempt [semi successfully] to ostracise everyone associated with one person just because they didn't get what they wanted...

Then a little later, "Hmm, I know enough provable dirt on them to show their history of lying, and could easily prove some way worse sins than the one they are falsely claiming my friend is living in.'

..and for a few minutes I thought about blurting it all out. Giving what they gave. Pulling up the net, 'the Internet is forever.'

Then I remembered-

God's love is forever too
So is God's forgiveness

Forgiveness that not only applies to my best friends, but forgiveness that is available to those that hate them and us, and you. And, well, everyone.

To be a Christian I must be Christlike.

As far as the East is From the West. That's how far I am to forgive you.

God Doesn't Like Vegetables

2011-04-20T19:12:00.002-05:00

My family, we eat together. Not every day, but often enough.

"Eat something green" Leah told Seth.

"I'm a carnivore. I eat meat." Seth replied.

"Seriously you should eat some broccoli."

"Hey Abel tried to offer God vegetables, and God didnt want them. Why should we?" Nathaniel said, "Seth is just trying to be more like God."

Fail

2011-01-31T19:37:00.003-05:00

So the sweet 26 year old girl I tried to set my older brother up with is.... apparently quite smitten with a just turned 18 year old who is not yet out of highschool.

Dude.

This is why I ~~don't~~ shouldn't play matchmaker.

Untitled Story

2010-12-13T18:15:00.007-05:00

I miss you already
     and
I miss 'our' chapter
        but
As I start to slam the book closed
        so
Unhappy with this ending

The Author reminds me
He is writing my book
    (If I let Him)

And it's not over yet

Perhaps we were only minor characters in each other's story
But will be supporting characters in someone else's book

Here's to happy endings...

----

Why. Does. The. Belly. Need. Prayer?

2010-12-09T19:19:00.006-05:00

Just posted something about bellies, and now I'm posting this. (Because I told Sharron I probably would post these two old posts from my drafts.) Probably I've written too much about bellies, so that's kinda awkward but...
---
I don't want girls rubbing my belly either.

In fact that is sometimes even more uncomfortable than guys rubbing it. Girls only occasional do so to me, and is more brief, so less intrusive.

Except in church when praying.

One of my friends recently said, "I hate, like, when someone pets my arm. And these people who have to be all over you all the time." She shuddered, "I am not a touchie person."

I made a mental note of her preferences, then said with a shudder, "Yeah well, I am a touchie person, but when people pray for my belly I feel assaulted."

Then that very night at church, "Put your hand on her belly and pray for her." I was told as the guy moved my hand. Usually it's men who tell you to do that. Because they are uncomfortable touching a lady's belly themselves.

But. Why. Does. The. Belly. Need. Prayed. For.

I could understand, maybe, if they were being prayed for a stomach cramp, but... It's like they think a lady's soul is stuck in their belly or something, and praying works better that way...

I moved my hand, to her shoulder. And someone moved it back.

So there I was with my hand on someones belly with, 'Awkward and squishy. Awkward and squishy. Awkward and squishy' playing in my mind like a scratched C.D. Not comfortably squishy like pinching a fat roll just... just awkward (seriously I can not explain the horrible terrible awkwardness of praying for someone's belly.)

'I'll just pray for her belt' I told myself, and moved my hand to the wide belt over her waist 'much better.'

People pray for bellies all the time. AS IF it is normal. Or something.

If anyone prays for mine I stand there and waste my prayers on praying that they will leave.
Or tense up and try to keep the frustration out of my face.
I fight nervous laughter.
Or I step away.

Occasionally I continue praying even though my belly is being assaulted. Mostly only if I am really really feeling that the person is lead by God to pray for me.

Edit: Sunday (11-28-10) a lady was praying for me and grabbed my ribs just above my belly. It was still strange, but not horribly so. If your hands need to be in that vicinity my ribs might be an acceptable place for them.

If you see my belly being prayed for, feel free to mention my discomfort to the person and/or send them a link to this post after service.

My Belly is Mine. Not Yours. Please Don't Touch It.

2010-12-03T19:15:00.027-05:00

I know my rock hard abs fascinate you, but get over it. Go pet a turtle.

---

When I was 16 one of my best friends used to always grab me and force me still while petting my belly. And I fussed and fumed and pushed him away, but he just laughed. Finally I talked to his girlfriend, "Can you please ask ____ to quit touching my belly?" So he stopped. (I'm sure she didn't like watching him always grabbing me either...)

I said that to say I would do so again. A mild threat I guess.

There is another guy who won't stop grabbing me again lately. Ugh it freaks me out.

So to you:

I've already asked you to quit--Please do so.
My belly is off limits for you. I am definitely more cautious around the people who have grabbed my tush and boobs than those who pet my belly. I realize you don't feel that it is a big deal. Maybe even your wife doesn't care.

But I care. My belly is too much for you (a married man) to be rubbing. I realize that your belly is not intimate to you, and it has been explained to me by various people that acquantances/friends rubbing each others bellies is the same as a handshake. *Shudder*

I don't consider you a creep. (Only because you are normal in other ways, and I feel your heart is clean.)

However, this particular behavior is creeping me out.

[Edit: I did talk to this recent guy's wife. Bla awkward. But it's over, so that's good.]
---
What's with people petting my belly? Do people touch your belly regularly? I see other people's bellies be poked ocasionally, (And that's not as big a deal even to me.) but I rarely see the rubbing thing that happens to me happen to friends.

I've already discussed this. But still... too much touching....

"PS: I'm Married" -not me

2010-10-21T19:35:00.004-05:00

All the single people at one table. Couples who are friends together. Family's with kids together... (wedding seating arrangements.)

The brides high school best friend was assigned to a 'married-but-spouse-isn't-here-table'. When the other guests assigned to that table moved, and there were extra seats at the singles table, she came to sit there with us. (She knew me a little bit, and didn't know anyone else at the reception...)

One of the guys started talking to her. Not all, "Yeah baby you're hot." Just tastefully flirting--maybe he wouldn't call it that--but he was definitely interested in her, and had singled her out from across the table, was trying his best to keep her conversation, kept asking questions about her life, and was teasing her a little, you know... flirting.

Flirting is acceptable if you're single, or if you're flirting with your spouse or boyfriend or girlfriend.

But when you're married you shouldn't be flirting with people other than your spouse. And even if you're not married yourself, you shouldn't flirt with someone who is.

But she's pretty. He was attracted to her. That wasn't wrong of either of them.

Across the table she tried to get the point out. She started her sentences with, "My husband and I..." and "At my wedding."

"I'm only catching pieces of what you are saying." He leaned over the table toward her.

She put her hands on the table and started playing with her wedding rings, and holding them to the light to admire them.

It took a while, but finally he realized she was married. His eyes got big and he pulled back. But she left him with his dignity. And that impressed me.

I picture myself saying something blunt and horrid like, "By the way I'm married stop flirting with me."

What's sad is that Leah's first words when we were talking about it was, "Yeah you would say 'Dude I'm married. Quit flirting with me'. or something horrid and rude like that."

I'm going to learn tact.

Twinking / Try to NOT Upset the Parents

2010-10-14T19:49:00.020-05:00

I feel like a bad friend today.

I've come to understand that matching is painfully difficult for some people. It doesn't bother me. Maybe because I grew up dirt poor, and we were lucky if our hand-me-downs were presentable. Maybe because my girlfriends used to try to match.
But I usually try to respect other people's feelings.

I was just making conversation.

"Ohh, I love your blazer. I need one." (I lost my black blazer in Pennslyvania)

"Um, uh I got it at Wal-Mart."

I had assumed Courtney had given it to her, and didn't think buying one was an option. But knowledge is power...

So the next week I bought one. And have carefully avoided wearing it around our mutual friends.

Just in case...

I got in trouble that way once. Sort of. Well not my trouble but it was a guilt trip lemmetellya... A different day. A different girl.

I was trying on hoodies.

"I have that one." she said.

"Does Rusty mean something? Is that someone famous? I really don't want to wear someone's name." Everyone laughed at me and said no.

(I'm no skater chic. PacSun isn't my style. I was only looking because they were $5.)

I pulled it off the hanger, and tried it on, but she cringed so I asked, "Do you care if I have the same hoodie as you?"

And she said, "No."

But she didn't mean it. And I knew that, but bought it anyway.

She griped a little about 'twinkin.' Was a two-sided jacket. Designs on one side and purple on the other. Upon asking, she said she only wore the purple side outside, so I determined to wear the other side.

--2 weeks later--

"You have a jacket just like ____" It was her mom, "Why aren't you wearing it on the pretty side."

"Well ___ doesn't like to match." I said it matter of fact, then I caught her mom's face and said, "I really don't care though, I like this side."

She went all mama bear, but the other way around. "Honey you wear it on the pretty side! Turn that inside out right away!"

It was very awkward. And I tried to explain that I really was fine with the other side. And said I hadn't been told not to match.

But the next week the daughter was all, "I'm sorry." (I'm sure her mom fussed at her.)

It's no crime to not want to match.

Awkward.
Drama.

Bla. It isn't even a very cute hoodie.

---

After all this time of keeping my receipt and carefully avoiding wearing that blazer I asked Sharon, "Does it bother you to match other people?"

"No not really."

"Like if you show up wearing the same thing. Are you sure?"

"No not at all. I could care less."
"Weeeellllll in that case I bought a black blazer like yours. Do you not care? Are you sure?"

"Nope."

And she meant it.

Now that this conversation is out of the way I can publish this post without sounding like I'm pleading for permission to wear it.

Or worse--sicing her mom on her.

Cringe.

I wrote 1/3rd this post after 'the mom incident', 1/3 after buying the blazer, and 1/3rd after talking to Sharon.

47 Minutes at the Flea Market.

2010-10-09T10:23:00.006-05:00

According to Grandma's memoir I'm part Scottish. Maybe that's why I love flea markets and haggling...

I don't care enough about a good deal to hunt out yard sales. Feels like I'm wasting $40 worth of time and $5 worth of gas. But on Saturday mornings when I don't have 5,000 things I should've done yesterday, I like to hit the flea market.

NOT the Sweetwater Flea Market where the booths never change year around, the sellers buy inventory quarterly, and have employees who are required to fill out tax forms. Basically it's a big building filled with small shops.

I go to Midway Drive-In Theater where on Saturday mornings sellers pay $2 to spread blankets on the gravel. It's a real flea market with lots of people selling years worth of used and unused cast-offs accumulated from our wasteful American lifestyle.

And people who have probably been dumpster diving...

I'm told, "To get the good deals you need to get there early." I scoff at that. Unlike yard sales this flea market rarely lasts till noon, around 9:30 buyers thin out and sellers want to go home. Most plan to donate their unsold items to Goodwill, so drop their prices if asked. Plus I like to sleep in.

But about the dumpster diving guy... (Btw I have just now named him Blake, and shall hereafter refer to him thus when convenient.)

"$5 I’ll sell you this whole box for $5! What a deal!” He called out as I stopped at his table.

“I don’t need all this stuff.” I said before I shifted through the cardboard box of phone jacks and chargers, ear buds and headphones—all new and in their plastic boxes--before pulling out a package labeled wireless earbuds.

“I’ll give you $1 for this.” I told him.

“Only a dollar!” He griped, “ Three dollars, two fifty at least.”

“Oh whatever. You offered me the whole box for $5 we both know I could’ve bought this for fifty-cents.” I grinned and shook my head.

“Ohhhh, ok a dollar then,” Blake said. Then noting the $5 price he had written on the package sighed dramatically dropped his shoulders and shaking his head said, “The things I do for pretty girls.”

Just then a man came by and asked the price of two chairs.

“I’ve got to get rid of this stuff. Tell you what I’ll sell them for $20 apiece, but you’ve got to buy them both.”

The man nodded and reached for his wallet, but was interrupted by Blake’s wife who was sitting a few yards away. “$5 each for the chairs she yelled”

“Well $5 I guess then.” He grimaced in her direction.
---

Pictures of all the things I bought today [Edit: this was written in June, so like most of my posts "today" is not really today] after the jump

I try to give the niece & nephews things often because children's love CAN be bought. ($1.50 for 3 balls and 2 toy cars.)

Bought this tree pendant for a friend who is forever talking about her love of trees and drawing them. It was $0.50. The flower pin laying next to it caught my eye, so I spent $0.25 on it. I'll probably never use it... (Also this was the only seller who I didn't ask to lower their price.)

$10 for both camping chairs together

$1 for a milkglass bowl that did wash clean (I love decorative milk glass containers and use them to store my dressor top things.)

$1 for the earbuds (But they are to be used with a cell phone, and mine doesn't have a jack...)

This is now holding my smallest hair clippies ($0.25)

I Could Really Use A Change of Heart

2010-10-07T19:13:00.008-05:00

"Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" he asked.

Self conscious, I slouched a little down the wall, "I would like to be married."

"Do you plan to keep a job after you're married?"

"Until I have kids." The thought of staying home with children all the time is not an exciting thought to me. But I believe that the parents should raise their children not the grandma. (When beliefs and desires conflict; I usually stick to beliefs...)

"I was thinking that, so theres not a lot of point of you going to school."

"Weeeeell 5 years ago I wouldn't have expected myself to be still single today, soooo."

"But that was by choice right? You could be married by now if you wanted to."

'Shove it in my face man... Yes. I walked away from everyone.'

I was busy, they didn't suit me, one (or 8) of my friends were in love with him and I didn't want to mess that up, or I was scared...or my heart was otherwise occupied, so I didn't give anyone else a chance.

Mostly the heart-being-otherwise-occupied thing.

I'm everything or nothing; either intensely in like, or planning my escape. Usually both simultaneously. I hate that. Blast this.

Say it, but say it nicely

2010-09-29T19:39:00.009-05:00

Or don't say it at all.

Unless you can discuss things with a right spirit you need to not talk about it.
Recently I was texting someone. He had asked and said he was trying to figure out, "If people's beliefs are based on the Bible, their upbringing or their own personal beliefs." He was curious, but mostly was looking for a way to prove me wrong. (T'was about my belief that thighs should be covered.) Said he couldn't find any verses.

So I sent him a few.

He started writing with all caps I felt like he was yelling at me, and got defensive. "I'm sure it's in the Bible for a reason." I said. That was true, but also very snotty sounding.

I don't know if it is shame I am feeling, or just the burn of knowing that I was not perfect.
(Remorse is healthy. Obsessing about a minor mistake is not.)

It is important to treat people kindly. Life as a Christian isn't about having the quickest come backs and the best arguments.

Be nice. Be polite. There's no reason to hurt people. Unless the hurting will be helping in the long run.

Of Biking and My Awesome Neighbors

2010-09-16T18:36:00.003-05:00

'The Bicycle Girl'

That's what some of my neighbors call me. When I'd not ridden for a while several of them mentioned that they'd been praying for me and had requested prayer at their small family church because, "We knew something was wrong."

Last week I met one of them in town at a car show, "This one." He said turning to my friend, "We usually see her 2 or 3 times a week." Then turning to me, "Where have you been?"

"My bike. It has a flat."

"I have an air compressor. Come by anytime when you see me working outside, and I'll blow it up for you."

I would say I was surprised, but I wasn't. They're neighbors and it was like him to offer.

"Sweet! Thank you! It's not just flat; it has a hole. I can fix it, but do you have water?" Was trying to find out if I needed to lug a bucket or just carry my patch kit...

Yesterday when I came home from work, Mom said, "There's a surprise for you in your room."

A new small sturdy air compressor with blue air tubes.

From my neighbors.

(I will conquer you) I Want Straight Hair

2010-08-19T17:16:00.007-05:00

Not for always. Love my curls.

I just want straight hair to be an option. Without having kinks stage a successful takeover two hours after I leave the house.

Preferably also without 3 days preparation time.
I just want to look nice. If I can't make straightened hair look good why bother. (For a long time I've stayed curly.)

But I'm tired of curls.

So I've been experimenting with my straightening routine (on days when I won't see people.) I now know how to get my hair to stay reasonably straight, but it's still really big.

Here are some pics of my straightened hair.

Sigh.

And you think that's bad? That's not all my hair. All this is still in the back, I'm like a walking hairball...

I didn't allow myself to stay home, but neither did I allow myself to go out looking like that...

Pics of the hair rescue after the jump

---

I used this awesome bandette comb from Clares. Would love a barette that would hold all my hair but so far no luck...

Then threw on a hair flower (I made this one)

Still, why straighten my hair if I just have to wear it back 'cause it's so big?

Hair, I will conquer you.

Intentionally Misleading My Friends (I Call it Tact)

2010-08-18T19:43:00.003-05:00

I used to tell everyone the truth when asked. Always.

Unfortunately the truth isn't always the best thing to say. Sometimes saying nothing is better. Occasionally changing the subject or misleading people into believing you answered their question is best.

For instance:

If I shop with Ann* and she likes a dress and asks, "Esther, what do you think about this dress?" It could be hideous and completely unflattering and would make her look like a small pregnant hippo, but I'll say, "That color is sooo pretty," then, I'll reach out to feel the fabric and say, "Oh and the material is really soft."

Then she will assume that I've answered her question. Assume that I love the dress even though I don't.

I do that to be nice to her.

It's not in my nature to avoid the truth. For years I treated Ann* like I treat Leah only without being so specific. She would ask, "Do you like this?" and I would say, "No. Not really." or "It's shaped oddly," Then later she would tell everyone, "Esther is sooo mean, she makes fun of everything I like."

And I would feel hurt, and betrayed, and incredulously say, "But she asked!" When they fussed at me for 'being so mean.'

Then finally I realized...'She always tells people I'm mean in reference to my dislike of some horrid item of clothing.'

I was tired of hearing her tell people I was mean, but more than that I realized that it really did annoy her. She is usually a nice person; I like her. (And dude I don't care what she buys, or how she dresses.)

I didn't start lying to her. I just started walking around the truth. Just because she asks for my opinion doesn't mean she wants it.

Some people can't handle the truth, or can't handle certain truths; there's no point in giving it to them if it will only cause them to become angry.

I'm a yes man. Ha ha, how awkward.

*I changed the name just in case...

Lately...

2010-08-12T19:44:00.010-05:00

Half the time I think, 'Wow, its really nice of them to put up with my beliefs.'

And it is. And I know that.

But lately I really wish I had friends who share my values. Rather than just those who cope with my having them.

I should try to cultivate some closer friendships outside of my usual circles.

~~Probably.~~
Definitely

Sigh.

I Shall Call it My Funeral Purse

2010-08-06T18:48:00.007-05:00

6:20: I was home from work and running up the steps 2 at a time. The funeral started at 7:00, and was who-knows-where in Athens. I ran a wet washcloth under my arms. Threw a black outfit onto my bed, then onto my body. Then deodorant (or did I forget that?) Brushed my teeth, used salicylic acid cleansing pads on my face.

6:29 out the door: hoping my brother knows how to find this place. Stepped into Josh's car and used smoothing cream on my frizzy curls. Moved my wallet and a few important items from my messenger bag style purse and into a classy black clutch.

6: 46 made it to Ziegler's Funeral Home: breathed a sigh of relief to be early rather than late.
---
I never met him, but Ross was in his 60's, and mentally handicapped all his life. His mom, who he had lived with all his life, died last month. Everyone said, "He is happier in heaven."
---
"We are ready to start the service," the funeral director said into his mouthpiece, so everyone was seated, and the piano player (Tabitha Scott) began a song.

Everyone sat quietly except the lady on the other side of Josh. She started emptying her purse's contents onto her lap, then shoved it across his lap and into mine, "You like small purses?" she whispered loudly.

"Uh huh," then trying to be polite whispered, "Yours is nice,"

"Enjoy it," she said, adding emphatically, "I cannot carry a small purse!"

'Oh, she is giving this to me,' it sunk in.

What do you say to ~~your sisters ex fiance's mom~~ ~~when she~~ someone who gives you a Prada purse in the middle of a funeral?

I panicked inside.

You know how it is when people give you something (especially something expensive) and expect you to fall madly in love with the awesomeness of the wonderful amazing gift and will periodically ask to make sure you tuck it into bed with you after kissing it goodnight? But you are just 'meh' and wondering how fast you can toss it without them knowing.

I was afraid it would be like that.

So I said, "Are you sure? It's nice, but I don't know for sure if I'd carry it."

She grinned and replied, "That's fine. You don't have to keep it. Give it away. I don't care. Just take it."

I said thanks, and she turned her attention back to the funeral.

While I stole glances at the purse in my lap.

'Structured' was my first thought. 'Alligator leather' was my second. Then 'Not my style.'

'But oddly enough I like it.'

-Happiness

---
When I got home Glory came to see me, and I asked her to take pictures of the shirt/suit jacket I wore to the funeral. (I plan to alter it then blog about my alterations.) I didn't notice when I put it on, and dashed out the door, but the fit is awkward :(

Then I took a few pictures of my funeral purse, and I told her how it come to me. And we hopped all around my room laughing hysterically.

I told her why I needed to alter the shirt and we laughed more. Then took lots of pictures of ourselves, and decided, "We are beautiful in all of them."

"It's your fault!" Shalom said Sunday, "Leah is vain because you are always telling her she is beautiful." She shook her head reprovingly.

Me? I grinned a mile wide and told her I was proud of myself for that.

-Happiness

*We discussed visiting until the funeral started, then leaving, but decided to stay. (What is the proper amount of time to visit at a visitation?)

Life is still worth living without a boyfriend

2010-08-03T22:37:00.005-05:00

Another several-months-old post from my drafts...

There was a Sunday recently that Pastor ended his sermon talking about how, "Our young people lately have felt pressured to date someone... Our young people need to not settle for just anyone breathing."

I stayed in the back, and scrunched my face up thinking about the time we were talking about couples, and I had said "Life is still worth living without a boyfriend. It's still good." The girl had answered, "Not really. It isn't. Not hardly."

Then she started dating a boy and proclaiming her love and adoration for him all while mournfully saying things like "I've crossed the tracks. My life is going downhill from here on out," in reference to her relationship....

So there I was annoyingly thinking pitying thoughts about him. When my brother-in-law came over to me. Where I was standing. And prayed for me. Just by myself. He looked so sincere, and was praying So loudly.

About that subject. About not settling for a not good enough guy....

About me.

I stood there feeling my face get red... Afterward I laughed awkwardly, and told him, "I'm not settling. I'm not even dating anyone right now. What was that for?.."

Yeah anyway awkward.

But what is settling to you?

Do Things Poorly: In Defence of the Mediocre

2010-07-29T19:15:00.005-05:00

My latest goal (well one of them) is to do things poorly.

(Not really. That's just the way I word it to myself, so that I remember.)

People talk about perfectionism as if it's a wonderful glorious thing. As if perfectionists do everything perfectly, and thus are perfect.

That's not true.

Perfectionists often skip important things because they aren't smart enough or skilled enough to do that thing perfectly. Or they wait until, "I have time to do a good [perfect] job."

Sometimes they take so much time doing an awesome job, but instead could complete three mediocre jobs in the same time frame... And have some spare time.

Do things poorly

Spare time. Coming right up.

I wish.

---
For instance, I've never written one of those letters to the pastor that we are supposed to write yearly. I start one every year, but am so stuck on getting it perfect that I toss everything mediocre, and thus have never finished one. It would be better to write poorly then to not write at all...

Organizing...(And Giving Some of My Clothes Away?) AKA My NonMinimalistic Lifestyle Take 2

2010-07-24T07:45:00.008-05:00

My clothes rod fell down last week.

My closet is not set up correctly; one of the clothes rod holder things was not there when I inherited the bedroom. It's a faulty rod setup. That's true. I promise. Here's a picture.

But it fell because it was overloaded.

Then Mom offered me an extra dresser; she also mentioned using the rack that Hannah had used for some of her clothes, but I keep picturing in my head the room a friend/acquaintance described to me.

"I shop a lot. Besides my bedroom closet I have an extra bedroom just for clothes, and I have 3 of those big round metal racks that are in stores... I still have to go through it about once a month though and bag up 3 of those big black garbage bags full of clothes to give away every month."

If I knew her better I would've asked for one or two of those black trash bags of hand-me-down clothes. She doesn't exactly shop Goodwill.* And extra clothes racks are tempting.

But I cringe at the thought of becoming like that. (Ouch!) I spend very little on clothes; I'll never have her credit card payments, but--

Obviously I have too many clothes for my closet. I do have room for another dresser or two since I moved out the spare bed and Hannah's dresser, but I don't want another dresser. I would probably only end up using it for papers and books anyway. (I hate putting clothes in drawers...) I also dislike the thought of another clothes rack. It reeks of losing control, and giving in, and OCD, and my acquaintance whose extra room/closet I am so kindly writing about.

I'm obsessing more about not becoming like her more, than I'm obsessive about shopping like her.

In February I wrote about my solution here. "If I don't wear an item within a year I will lose it." I told myself. Then I turned all my hangers backward to keep track.) It was brilliant. And simple.

And...It didn't work.

Before I freed the rod from the grasping hooks of my white plastic hangers I pulled all clothing out that was on backward hangers out, and set them on top of my hamper. And left all my other clothes laying in the closet floor waiting for Seth to replace the rod.

My year is only 2/3rds over, and I have worn almost everything.

That means I need all my clothes right?

It's not so much that having a lot is horrible (if I use it) But I need for my closet to not keep falling. I need my life to be organized.

* I shop Goodwill. Regularly. I wasn't meaning to say that there was any shame in shopping there.
--------
PS:

If I became filthy rich

I would have a huge walk in closet, and would buy 2 stunning ballgown type dresses every year--if I had somewhere to wear them to. (None with crinoline under them. Those are hideous. On me.)

Where was I?

Other than those dresses I would require myself to toss anything that hadn't been worn in ummm......... 2 years???

That sounds reasonable.

No maybe not. I think I should stick to once a year or every 18 months...

Oh and I want a 3 sided mirror. I would like one of those tomorrow. I've already picked out a corner of my room for it...

This is obnoxious. Shut up Esther

Tell me I'm not the only one.

2010-07-22T18:55:00.003-05:00

"So are you going to that church in Maryville tonight?" Daniel asked Sunday.

(My sister & brother-in-law are very worried about my singleness. They think I will meet a guy there...)

"No."

"Why not?"

"I'm broke out."

"Let me see your face." It was a demand not a question.

"Two Pimples. How tragic." Shalom said sarcastically. "That is nothing. You're freaking out over two pimples. Don't you normally get a few every month?"

"No, I don't! I use a face mask a few days before and stay clear."

So I went to my usual Sunday night church, Bethesda (And yes there are handsome guys there, but they've seen me at my roughest already, so it doesn't make much difference...)

Still I did not hang out afterwards. Even though I was asked a lot of times, and one of the guys said, "Come with?" in a sad begging little boy voice. Begging is better from masculine men. :)

Do you let your bad hair/skin day get in the way of your life?

I tell myself that sometimes its ok--Just not all the time. And I'm not allowed to completely avoid everyone non related to me just because I don't feel pretty.

-----
Why I broke out? Well...

On the 7th I used Mario Badescue's Silver Powder face mask.

Instructions: ...Press on... Wait 10 minutes and wipe off with toner or astringent

I slept in it. For 5 hours. Woke up in the night and removed it with these astringent soaked facial pads.

It's supposed to um... Clean your pores.

I broke out on the 9th (Friday.) Presumably because that mask irratated my skin. (Maybe using it 30 times as long as recommended had something to do with that.)

Tried the drying cream that I wrote about to heal/cover the redness and I was apparently very pale when I last used it 'cause it left a white smear.

Ugh
----
Maybe it was the m&m's...I had eaten m&m's everyday for at least 2 months. Maybe 3 months. Every day! Isn't that amazing. I live an enchanted life.
---
I should try the mask again. Maybe 3 hours this time instead of 5.

So My Overloaded Clothes Rod Crashed... Again

2010-07-15T19:38:00.004-05:00

"Will you fix my closet please?" I looked up at him with big sad eyes.

I always ask Seth or N8 when I need help. Truthfully any of the brothers would help me, but N8 & Seth screw things/carry heavy objects/kill bees without having to remind them a lot of times. And they don't make fun of me for asking.

(Well except that time I had a nightmare about sock snakes. They ALL still laugh at me 4 that...)

I don't feel like I am a bother to them. (Or at least not much of a bother...)

But my clothes rod fell several times while I shared a closet with Hannah. Plus once since she moved out. It's not the first time I've asked for help putting it back up. So I kinda expected some ragging...

"Again!" Seth said, then turned to a sibling (I can't remember which one.) "I'm not fixin' that thang til she gets rid of some stuff. 500 lbs of clothes and she wonders why it keeps fallin'..."

Actually I've never wondered why it falls. I've always known I have too many clothes on the rod. The Libbey part of me wanted to prove that his statement incorrect, and I could have, but when you want something from someone you are not to argue with their beside-the-point logic. (Pick your battles; I learned that in church.)

One side of my mouth turned down, "I did take some things out," I said quietly, hung my head sadly, and slouched my shoulders in mock defeat, (FYI: My shame and sadness were not faked only exemplified.)

It didn't work.

Actually he was still going to fix it.
I know he would've.
He always does.

But just in case... "If you fix my closet I'll go to town and buy you candy!"

Libbey's love candy A LOT. According to Leah's facebook page she loves candy more than she loves me. That's sad :(

"Naw I'll fix it. For free. You don't even have to give me candy."

And he did.

I feel very loved.

I went to town and bought candy anyway. Then I ate it all.
That's sad :(
-------

He ate some of it too though. Probably. You see my family + Toby + Laura watched Despicable Me and that's where the candy was eaten up. I passed it around several times, and he was there.

He is a Libbey. I'm sure he ate some.

And I hadn't told him I'd bought it for him.

Will not feel guilty

PS: I would like 2 minions for my next birthday, or for Christmas.

2009 Goal (well one of them): Take more Pictures

2010-07-10T10:42:00.018-05:00

Looking at pictures lately...

Why is my neck at that weird angle?

Must I always wrap my arms around people's waist when I am photographed with them? I look like I'm enthusiastically squashing them to death...Creepy

I need to look at the camera when a picture is being taken. My smile is great. My face is facing the camera, but.... my eyes are darting in the opposite direction.

Dude I need to straighten my shoulders. Do I usually slump like that?

I should have put my heels back on on; that dress drags.

Whats with all the junk in the background?

Plus

Dead pictures haha. I <3 them.

That day was so much fun.

My eyebrows are considerably nicer now.

My life is really cool. Look at all the neat things I've done lately.

I love my friends.

Memories...
-------------
"Take a picture with me," Sharon said pulling out her cell phone.

"Right now? In the middle of Wal-mart??!!" I asked, cringing slightly as shoppers milled past.

She glanced down the aisle we were standing in, "Yeah, I don't think anything of it... I do it all the time. Shell and I take pictures everywhere."

I glanced awkwardly around, "OK. Sure." then I bent at my knees so my face would be closer to her level. (I have a lot of short friends. Really, really short friends...)

She took 3 or 4 pictures; they were all off focus or blurry or showing only half of each of our faces.

"Last one." I said, and cheesed one more time. "If this one doesn't work I'm giving up."
------------
I should let people take pictures with me. I know that. I like pictures. It's just... I am showing my age I know, but taking pictures in the middle of Wal-mart feels so weird.
------------

Leah isn't really any more photogenic than me. She does have self portrait skills, holding the camera up and centering herself perfectly. But the real reason she has so many more pics is because she takes the time to take pictures. A lot of them.

A piece of that is really weird and awkward to me.

But I would like to have more pictures. So, yeah, my latest goal is to start taking pictures more often. I'm a little too old to be making Wal-Mart my personal photo booth, but elsewhere you know.
----------
I wrote most of this post in 2009.
------
After the jump: a few pictures from after our formal dinner.

At Seth's guitar recital I held my finger over the camera speaker and clicked through Leah's pictures while I waited through all the French and boring speeches piano playing & such. (It was a seriously boring recital; I have no guilt.)

Was laughing at the pictures after the formal dinner. Leah was having Mom photograph her. And me?

I had crashed on the couch. (I had already had a couple of good ones taken though so its OK.)

Last year: Me having 'dead pictures' and upside down ones. Poor sister I'm crowding up her glamorous shots with my weirdness lol.

I shall name this post Spots

2010-07-01T19:28:00.138-05:00

This is me...

I'm 25. My face shouldn't still be an oil slick.

But...since my sebaceous (oil) glands forgot to notice that I've grown up I gotta work to keep my face clear.

And I do. And it is.

(mostly)

But sometimes I break out :o

When that happens

I don't cry or scream. Thats childish.

Instead I pout. (How mature of me...)

In this pic I have the Proactive refining mask dotted on my face. (I don't use their skincare line; just the mask.)

...But one night I had dotted a little on a couple of breakouts and forgot to wash it off in the morning. So uh... I went to work with spots. "Um Esther you've got toothpaste on your face," Jeff said.

So now I use Mario Badescue's drying cream. They gave me the cutest samples a year ago. (Probably I love the tiny containers more than the products--Weird me.) The drying cream works really well though, It's a little too yellow, but blends with my skin color, so I can get away with wearing it throughout the day. I'll probably buy some when I use up this sample, but it should last another year or two, since I rarely need it.

So Tiny!! See the size comparison with a bobby pin. Adorable!!

------------

"Esther why are you posting this?"

"The pic? To go with my post-- besides you told me to take more pictures."

"This wasn't what I had in mind when I told you to start taking more pictures."

"My cheeks are cute anyway. Look how fat they are."

"Avoidance. You are avoiding the subject."

*Sigh*

"Is it really a good idea to mention all your skin care stuff? Shouldn't you pretend to never do anything and still have perfect skin?"

"You want me to lie?!!" *gasp*

"Omitting those things isn't lying; it's tact--and you know it."

"Get over yourself. It's a funny picture."

"Whatever, ok keep the picture, but it's more than just about the picture... You should think about it. Didn't one of your mentors tell you to never tell anyone about any of your flaws?"

To be continued

"--Um No. Not to be continued.."

"I wasn't talking to you."

---
The best thing about arguing with myself?
I usually win.
The worst thing... I tend to lose

If you want samples from Mario Badescue just answer a few questions about your skin here; they'll send you an email telling you what to buy "tailored to fit your skin care needs." Then in 6 weeks they'll send you another email with a link to click for free samples.

And you should save the containers for me so I can reuse them for my hair and skin potions.

PS: This is not the worst picture online of me. But you do not have my permission to repost it anywhere.

Fears: (Not like I have them or anything, but I can always write about other people's...)

2010-05-06T23:31:00.004-05:00

At church last night after the preaching Pastor said people who were struggling with fear should come up to the altar to pray & be prayed for.

"I probably should go," my friend said with a frustrated sigh, "But I really don't want to."

"Want me to go with you?" I asked. "Because, you know, I will."

So we walked up there, and yeah it was actually a little awkward.

Except for a few people everyone just bunched up and prayed for other people because they didn't have the nerve to admit that they wanted/needed prayer their own self. They were afraid to admit that they are afraid I guess.*

'People will think I am battling fears. Hmmm,' I briefly tried to figure out what fears they would decide I was fighting. (I crack myself up all the time by thinking about what other people are probably thinking. I'm sure it's not normal, but whatever, it's hillarous.... Click here for a story about my past awfulness on that subject.)

I did actually pray for my friend also.

Then I was all trying to think of something I was afraid of. I went through a list of things people are afraid of and mentally crossed them off. 'Yeah, I'm not afraid of anything.' I told myself then remembered 'Oh. Yeah. That.' I froze inside a little bit then was all, 'Whatever not really. I'm over that now.'

At least mostly
-----------
My church is independant (as in not belonging to an organization.) But most people label our church pentacostal/charsmatic. (My family is not charsmatic though.) Our church are the kind of people who go to the altar and cry while we pray, and do the whole laying on of hands thing. (James 5:16 Mark 6:5 Luke 13:13 Matthew 19:13 Acts 19:11 Acts 19:6 I Timothy 4:14 ect.)

------------

*(Everything is cracking me up today. Tomorrow I'm gonna look at this post, and be all "Esther you thought that was funny?" Then I'll think it's funny that I thought it was funny today (which by tomorrow will be yesterday. So my present and future self will both be happy. It's all good.)

Sisters and Weirdness & 'Just Friends' Friendships

2010-04-12T18:30:00.000-05:00

Jumped off on this random story, so decided to give it a separate post.
Has been years since I did this, but I still think it's funny.

---

It had been a few weeks that my sister Shalom thought I had a crush on one of my guy friends. (I actually did, and do, adore him but you know not 'like that'.) She wouldn't come right out and say "I think you like _____." But was always saying little things to that effect, and looking all sly and saying, "I know a secret," or "I know who Esther likes," anytime I was around him or his name came up.

After a time I decided to play with her. Partly because I decided it would be funny and partly because I preferred her not to figure out who I actually did like, so she couldn't embarrass me by accidentally announcing my personal preferences to the world. (See previous paragraph.)

So...

When they were both around I would pretend to like him. Not enough for him to think I liked him but just enough to lead her on. (Honest it didn't take much. I just looked at his face a little longer than other peoples and smiled benignly anytime he said anything. I only had to do that when she was looking at me.)

(I can't remember who he was in love with at the time, but it wasn't me. And he didn't notice, and I didn't hurt or confuse him, because he didn't notice... And I would not hurt him. And it's wrong to hurt people just for my own amusement. I know that.)

After a month or so she started to say, "Yeah I've known for a long time that you liked _______."

I would answer with, "No. Just as a friend. It's not like that."

"You can't fool me." She would reply.

Leah thought it was really weird.

I thought it was really funny.

Probably my humor is warped. Not like perverted warped, just all the twists and turns of my psyche are odd.

Hmmm

I've had that for 7 months and still haven't worn it / New With Tags

2010-04-08T19:17:00.004-05:00

Yeah, I buy things and then don't wear them for months and months.

If you were expecting, I-am-so wasteful-to-buy-things-and-not-wear-them guilt, you should look elsewhere though. I do this on purpose.

I buy out of season stuff; Sandals in winter and closed in shoes in spring that kinda thing.

Leah says, "Even though I know it's a really good idea, buying things off season makes me sad because I can't wear what I buy. It's like I spent my money and got...
                                                                                       ...
                                                                                         ...
                                                                                             nothing."

Me? I <3 off season sales.

There are 4 new short sleeve shirts I've had in my drawer since winter. Sure I've not been able to wear them, but I spent less on all of them than most people will spend on one.

&

2 weeks ago I bought a peacoat for $12; it is still in the bag, still has tags and is laying on the evil spare bed. I won't wear it for at least 7 months. But I'm still really glad I bought it. I had been wanting a dressier coat for a couple of years.

La la la

-----

This is such a boring post Sigh

Everything I write lately is either too boring or too personal to post. So yeah today I give my blog the boring stuff anyway.

Learning to Listen like a Girl

2010-04-08T19:00:00.000-05:00

A friend was complaining about me once and said, "If a murder had just killed a person Esther would find something good to say about it like 'Oh at least he didn't splatter blood everywhere'..."

There is a silver lining on every cloud. They say.

I usually find it.
Sometimes I shouldn't.
Because apparently that annoys people.

Sometimes girls don't want to hear about how p(r)etty their problems are or how easily they could be solved. Sometimes they just want you to lay on the grass and listen to them describe the clouds as they float through their life.

I'm trying to learn how to do that.

---

Soda Pop Tab Belt Instructions & Picture Tutorial (Using Ribbon)

2010-03-22T16:00:00.003-05:00

You will need

1 Hour

1/4" wide ribbon
pop tabs
candle
matches

You’ll need approx 3 tabs per inch of belt not counting the ties… (This will vary depending on how you cross your ribbons and tabs.)

My ribbon is 1/4" wide from Wal-Mart, ($0.40 for 10 yards on a spool; can't beat that. Just buy a spool of whatever color/s you want.)

Wash and rinse the soda can tabs, then allow them to dry.

Pull off any remaining circle things that attached the tabs to the can

Measure 18” of each ribbon, then knot them together (These 18” will be used to tie the belt)

(Knot at 18 inches pic)

Now measure the waist of your favorite skirt/pants. Double the length of the waist and add that length to the 18” (e.g. skirt waist is 29” so 58” should be added making 76" is the total length of each ribbon) (18 + (29*2) = 76)

Cut both ribbons that length.

Step 1) Slide the 1st tab onto the longer lengths of ribbon before the knot.

The ribbons should go over the left side of the tab and inside the holes (The smooth side of the tab should be facing up)

The bigger hole should also be up

(anchor tab in place pic)

Step 2) 2nd tab--lay it in place behind the other one. The rough side should face up/toward the other tab.

(2nd tab in place pic)

The ribbon should go behind the left sides of the 1st tab and through the center holes from behind (The smaller hole of the 2nd tab should be facing up. The bigger hole of the 1st tab should be facing up.)

(2nd tab action shot)

(2nd tab side shot)

While stitching through the 2nd tab the ribbon should go through the center hole of the 1st tab

(the back tab will hold it in place)

(ribbon through 1st & 2nd tabs pic)

Step 3) 3rd tab—lay it in place (Pretty side up) (See how the holes overlap?)

(3rd tab in place pic)

For a regular 'stitch' take the top ribbon through the top holes, and the bottom ribbon through the bottom holes

(1st reg top stitch action shot pic)

Finished stitch

(finished reg stitch pic)

If you keep making this kind of stitch, you will have a belt like this on both sides (except the top color will be all one ribbon and the bottom color all the other ribbon)

(reg stitched belt pic)

I make mine with X’s by crossing the ribbons, (because it’s prettier)

Step 4) To make an X stitch take the bottom ribbon, and stitch it through the top holes

(beginning X stitch pic)

Then stitch the top ribbon through the lower holes

(completed X stitch pic)

I usually do regular stitches on one side and x stitches on the other, so my belts can be worn on either side if you want to change things up. But sometimes I mix x stitches and straight stitches.

Keep doing step 2 and step 3 or 4 until your belt is long enough.

You can do all ‘X’ stitches, all straight stitches, or a mix of both. You can also leave all the bigger ends of the tabs facing up for a slightly more fragile—and more delicate looking—belt. (Thats how I did the belt in the top pictures--Aka Sharron's belt.)

So when you have all the tabs you want on, knot the ribbon to your last pop tab. You should have some ribbon left.

Cut this ribbon off at an angle then seal the end by holding up to an open flame. (This prevents fraying.)

Don’t hold the ribbon in the flame; just hold it close to the flame at an angle. You should be able to see the end melt/draw up a bit. Melt the ends of the 18" that are used to tie the belt also.

After the jump more info for picky people like me

------------------

Remember to untwist the ribbons as you lace it. You can’t redo your stitches after the belt is finished. Also check the back as you go.

If you have 2 colors of ribbon and are doing the ‘X’ stitch make sure you keep track of which ribbon you stitch through first. The top (last) ribbon will be showing most, so you’ll either need to always do the lower ribbon first (or top ribbon first) in order to keep the colors equal. You could keep the same color always last if you prefer more of that color.

You can also add more ribbons to the tie like I did with Sharon's belt

I found pictures of a criss crossed belt here and Leah and I figured how to make one based off those pictures.Crafster is awesome.

3-20-10 7:00 PM

2010-03-20T19:05:00.001-05:00

Trying to cope with the shadows of his fear

This is not my battle, yet somehow it is

I don't know what I'm afraid of

Or maybe I do and am also afraid to admit it

Missing not knowing what that was like

--
I don't actually consider this 2b a poem

Tis just my thoughts
When I'm stressed
I make lists of them

With poor punctuation
You don't have to understand

Libbey Potty Humor

2010-03-11T19:15:00.002-05:00

Spades.

Leah was losing badly. Libbeys, we like to win.

"You sunk. I make you sink" He he he Seth laughed.

"Well you're just a pooper scooper." Leah said mock glaring at Seth and dumping her tricks in the pile to be shuffled before continuing, "You're not even the guy doing the scooping. You are the scooper. The plastic thing--That's what you are."

Seth promptly replied, ""Really? Well guess what you are. You." He left a short dramatic pause before continuing, "Are the poop."

Leah sputtered a bit while we all giggled (Surely she know she was already beaten in this word war.) But she replied, "Well you are the poop still in the horses butt then."

"At least I'm warm." was Seth's retort. "You're all cold and chunky."

Of Stepping Stones & White Out

2010-03-10T17:02:00.010-05:00

It is painful to be white-outed out of your life. But if your part of our friendship was solely based on your plans for a relationship with my brother it was only a stepping stone to the path your parents had chosen for you.

Rather than a real friendship.

Stepping stones aren't of themselves bad things, and walking on them isn't evil, but people aren't stepping stones.

At least they shouldn't be.

Congrats on your new boy, new future, new life, and new friends.

Bye

------------------
Once in a while you are still friendly. But I kinda cought your drift some time ago.

Maybe it was the first time you stood up and walked away to go sit with people you barely knew when I sat next to you.

Maybe it was when you started swivveling your body the opposite direction anytime I entered the mixer room. Or turning your face anytime I was present.

Maybe it was sooner than that when random people started telling me "____ thinks you hate her you should be nice to her." or " ____ says you don't want to be friends anymore." and " What's going on with you and ____ she says you have no respect for her."

Dudes I tried. I promise.

Since you are the one who has chosen to avoid me it is preferable that you do so without saying I'm the one who ended this friendship.

So thanks, for openly discussing your need to "erase, or white-out, some old friendships."

I guess.

Dating Vs Courting

2010-03-04T19:37:00.005-05:00

When I first started attending my current church I was startled by how many references the pastor made to courting. He doesn't talk about it much now, but back then was at least every week if not every service.

One day I was at a fast food restaurant with some people from church. I was sitting quietly when suddenly a boy (the P.K. actually) turned to me and asked, "Do you believe in dating or courting?"

I barely know you... I thought glancing his shoulder to see the pastor intently listening. Awkward, uh, what to say, what to say. I shifted through my thoughts...

A: The boy I like lives in GA and I like him, but I don't want him."
B: 'My dad wouldn't want me to date yet anyway."

or '

C: "I'm happily flirting with everyone right now?'

No. no one understands A without a detailed explanation. (And I so wasn't giving a detailed explanation.) B would be completely uncool for the boy to hear and C would be way awkward for the pastor to hear.

So I just said, "I don't know yet."

He was suitably impressed by my honesty, and the pastor gave me a friendly-understanding-but-perhaps-somewhat-disappointed smile from behind the boys shoulder before turning away.

My (then) best (church) friend and I always wondered what exactly courting meant--To Him. I mean he always preached about it, but what did that mean? Definitely meant no sneaking off to make-out at youth camp lol, but what did you do?????

So we asked.
Actually I asked.
I can't remember exactly what he said.

Sorry.

You'll have to ask for yourself.

---------

Some years later in the middle of our 10 millionth discussion about dating Vs courting the same guy turned to me on the way home from this 6 flags trip. "So what do you do if you haven't decided yet [if you want to marry the person]?"

"You date them to find out." I replied.

Nuff said.

Cancer again

2010-02-20T11:11:00.003-05:00

The next week I was walking by and saw Tyler standing by himself holding Becca's purse, "I heard about your mom. How is she? How are you?"

He told me, "It doesn't look good" He said, "It's all I can do to get up in the morning."

I told him I had been praying for his mom. It felt trite and forced, but it was true and it was a good thing to say (I guess.) I stood there semi awkwardly for a few minutes before I walked away.

I think I did pretty well there, for not knowing him and all, but that was almost the last thing I said to either of them.

Wondering what I should do besides pray. I can't fix things, and I know that God can. I know God can comfort people better than I ever could,--

--but I also know that we aren't supposed to leave everything to God...

Remembering those times when I was hurting and certain people said or did just the right thing to make my heart feel a little better.

I would like to be that person.

But its hard to know how to not just stand there awkwardly. It's hard to know what to say to people.

----

Romans 12: 15 "Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep."

Corinthians 12: 26 "And whether one member suffer, all the members suffer with it; or one member be honored, all the members rejoice with it."

Isiah 61:1-3 "The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me; because the LORD hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound;

To proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn;

To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.

Cancer

2010-02-18T18:45:00.001-05:00

"I need you to Pray, Tyler's mom has cancer," Becca told me yesterday her face was streaked with pain and tears.

The girl with her was relieved for a chance to get away and hurried off. (I can understand that to a point; raw emotion and streaky eyeliner can be awkward.)

Mostly for me, though, it's just hard to know what to say or do.

I listened to jumbled words and phrases like, "Don't know what to do." "It's spreading" and "Nine months to live."

I stayed, but I'm not sure if I was very comforting.

I don't know his mom.

or him.

We say, "Hi," on ocassion, but thats about it.

I know that he's 17.

I know Becca loves him, and I know that they are both hurting a lot.

Because 17 is too young to be imagining life without your mom.

And I do care, but I'm not so good at showing that I care.

Becca is not sad like she used to be sad (imo.) But how are we supposed to love people like they need to be loved?
----

?

PS: Both of my dad's parents died of cancer.

Clothes, Hangers, and My NonMinimalist lifestyle

2010-02-15T19:47:00.009-05:00

One of my friends is always saying, "I prefer a minimalistic lifestyle." I nod agreeable, until she says, "I have only 2 pairs of jeans and 5 shirts and I like it that way."

Then I'm all, "Huh? Um, ok." I've been shopping with you...Why buy something if you're going to toss it in a few months.

Later on those nights, after she has been talking about her minimalistic lifestyle, I stand & admire the many colors of shirts, and all the different shades of denim in my closet, and feel so very happy to be me. (It's just like that time my friend told me she was allergic to chocolate, then I savored my hollow milk chocolate bunny with extra appreciation.)

What I'm saying is I like having a lot of clothes. I'm not about to give away 2/3rds of everything that I own for the sake of a minimalistic lifestyle. (I'm sure that lifestyle is awesome--For you--It's just not what I want.)

(I do not have as many clothes as Josh or N8, but that's not saying much lol...)

Because Shoes = Happiness!

But,

My closet is ~~almost~~ full; and I refuse to put any clothes except work shirts, pajamas, & underclothes in my dresser drawers, (I hate ironing....) And there is just too much stuff in my room.

So I need to get rid of some of my clothes.

Solution:

Last week I washed all my clothes, hung them up, then turned all my hangers backward. After I wear something & it's been washed I hang it up with the hangers facing normal. This way I can see what I've been wearing & what is just taking up space.

In a year (from last week) I will have to get rid of anything on a backward hanger. (I am excusing the 1 formal dress that I own from this purge.)

Today I added this event to November 8, 2010 on my google calendar

"Must Give Away any clothing I haven't worn (AKA Backward hangers)"

I clicked on options & requested a SMS (text message) reminder to be sent to my cell at 5:30 that day.

Then I cheated & requested an email reminder to be sent to me 10 days before. So I can wear whatever I don't want to lose.

I told Danika that I was gonna show up for volleyball & be changing outfits every 15 minutes. ("Oh wait guys I'm sweaty. Gotta change....Hold on a minute there's dirt on the hem of my skirt. Gotta change...."

Well see

Edit: This post is 2 months old and has been sitting in my drafts, because I was waiting to add pictures of my closet. (because it is beautiful.) Finally pulled the pics off my camera and onto a thumbdrive...

--------------------------------------------
Is that hanger thing not a nifty idea? I didn't think of it myself; I read it somewhere, but am not sure where.

(I've always hated the look of the word 'clothes'. I look at it and I'm like cloth + es ugh. It just looks weird. Is bothering me. Ugh.) The word is not aestheticly appealing.

PS: (to the commenter)

2010-02-13T14:39:00.012-05:00

Because I can't comment via text msg. (Does anyone know how to do that? I would love to know how to comment via text .)

I had that post about throwing boring out-of-date stuff onto my blog already planned and scheduled via blogger drafts b4 you told me to feel free to ''talk about the weirdness'' because you don't read my blog anyway.

I haven't yet translated your French, but I have no intentions of being mean to you or anyone else on my blog, or anywhere else.

And last but definately not least- to the other people who read my blog comments- this is a different d. than the guy that I started to date. (Actually since it lasted only 2 seconds longer than a heartbeat before we quit being whatever we were it shouldn't be called dating.)

At any rate its not him.

But I am not hating anyone either way.

Peace and happiness and snow angels to you all

Because There are 41 posts in my drafts

2010-02-11T20:08:00.001-05:00

I am currently trying to throw a lot of old stuff out of drafts and onto my blog (or shifting it into my journal.) That's why some of this stuff is out of order, outdated-

-or just plain boring.

Housecleaning it's called.

But I used to be worse.

2010-02-11T19:31:00.004-05:00

Once Upon a time, (When I was 15/16)

One of my friends left state to live with his uncle. His family had lived 2 houses up from mine all my life and before he left Susanna and I hang out with him all the time; we would sit on his bed, and we talk about all sorts of interesting things for an hour or two almost every other weekday.

We were stunned when he left without even saying bye.

The next time I saw him (3 months later) I was at a youth camp, and he came over to me, but said he could only stay a little while --had to go home and see his family. I promptly left my clique of friends to eat lunch with him.

Before we started eating our soggy hamburgers he asked, "You missed me didn't you?"

I did not say yes.

Instead I said, "No. How dare you leave us without saying bye! How could you expect me to miss you after such a horrible non-goodbye?"

He explained that neither his family nor himself knew he was leaving until the day before. His uncle needed help and everything was sudden for him too...

(I actually already knew that.)

While we ate our burgers he was constantly teasing me about how I had definitely missed him "very dreadfully," and asking, "Why don't you just admit it?"

And I consistently denied missing him.

He knew I missed him, and I knew that he knew I missed him, and I was fine with him knowing I missed him. But still I just couldn't say so...

Pathetic I know.

After he left I went to my empty dorm room, swung myself into my top bunk, and stared blankly at the ceiling thinking, "There is something the matter with me. This is my friend; I love him. And I couldn't even tell him I missed him."

(I had a crush on a brown eyed guy from GA at that time, Just platonic love for Micah C. We were always just friends. For the curious people. Lol...)

So I lay there for a while thinking about how strange and warped I was, then I decided, "I might be messed up, but I can be fixed. I'm going to learn how to do this."

Everyone is capable of change. Some people just choose to pretend they are stuck because, "I was born this way." They see their hang ups and say, "Yeah well that's just not something I'm good at. That's not me."

It's better to be all, "I'm not good at this. I need to work on it." Then do it.

(I'm awesome like that.)

....Usually, but it's a lot of work

-------------------
Actually that particular thing is still something I have to work on. (I might not start telling the whole world that I love them, but I need to say things more politely ya know)

I'm really good with words, as in, I can talk people into things. I have hard-to-argue-with explanations because my mind is very logical, but I'm not always the best as far as wording things nicely. Tact its called. (Sigh.)

A week ago I told someone, "Yeah it was pathetic." about something they had done, then later I was ashamed, and just, Esther you messed up, you shoulda' said ' It made me sad,' or 'it made me feel pathetic' I could'a at the very least not mentioned it in front of other people. (I read articles about 'Resolving Conflict Peacefully'. I do always scoff at those people who literally say, "This is my reality." though.)

But is over. Can't fix it. Can't change it. I'm not even sure if I would if I could. (Cause it was true, but still at least I'm ashamed. Does that count for anything?)

Lots of love, No Words

2010-02-10T19:03:00.004-05:00

----------

Monday (1-4-10)
After hugging and kissing the kids and hugging Shalom I turned to go, and as I was leaving Daniel, her husband, said, "I Love you Esther. Be safe." (Dude just cause you happened to call last night and I happened to be crying does not mean I am going to be unsafe.)

"Love you too, and I'm gonna be fine," I replied as I turned to go.

He whooped and fist punched the air, "She said it! She finally said it!" he told Shalom.

I paused awkwardly, and turned away from the steps, Huh what? Oh, that...,"Have I not before...?"

Shalom shook her head, "No you haven't. He's been keeping track."

So yeah, the man has a list in his head of all his wife's siblings who liked him when they met him, and those who (in his opinion) didn't. Plus a list of those who have and haven't told him they loved him. Lol. (Am I the only one who thinks this is weird? Not like evil weird or anything, and he is allowed to be weird, but it is weird nontheless.)

Do people tell their brother-in laws they love them? Is that normal? I don't tell just heaps of people that I love them, and the ones I do its not everyday or anything, (but sheesh it's often enough.)

After that conversation I thought for a couple of days about starting to tell more people that I loved them, and in fact the very next day I texted a sick person, "Love you kid and get better."

Then I felt awkward.

And decided

I don't want to start telling everyone I love them.

It's just too awkward to tell people that all the time. (Especially guy people, or more specifically guy people who don't belong to me or are not my brothers or something.)

Oh well.

Just something about it is too mushy and just yuck. (Or maybe I should work on it....)
------
I'm not naturally a verbally affectionate person, but hey I am forever more so than when I was younger....

More on that here...

Its just a blog.

2010-02-08T18:45:00.014-05:00

But it's a little awkward lately.

I think it is a mix between not wanting to be one of those people who go around telling strangers, "I have a blog. Please read it." and sounding like a desperate friendless person... (I feel like a friendless person at the moment, but I'm really not. They've just all gone ...somewhere.)

And

Well I might have a story about some of these people in my drafts... I try really hard to not post identifying information if I'm posting awkward stories about someone else, and there is a lot that I don't post. But if you do really weird things I might talk about you; I mostly talk about myself though so relax.

(I think I just admitted to writing awkward stories about my friends. Maybe I should reword that eh?)

I actually don't go all off telling everyone's secrets, but I did once give an explanation because untrue things were said about me to everyone. But she complained and I deleted it.

Currently thinking about a conversation I had a few Sundays ago with a friend who kept adamantly insisting, "You should never have to change yourself."

Was trying to figure out if he reads my blog, because I've talked about changing myself some lately here, and because he kept just randomly throwing, "Do not change yourself." and "You shouldn't ever have to change yourself for anyone." into a non related conversation, but I didn't ask for in case he didn't read my blog.

I don't know why I care. Maybe I don't. It is a blog. It's not my journal. I've always tried not to post anything that I would mind anyone reading.

Also thinking about how I told Sharon and Michele's's family, "It's weird for my friends dad's to read my blog."

I don't think I really mind, if people read what I write. In fact I rather like having people read my blog.
But there was that time Chris was asking, "So Esther who is the guy who wears flowers in his hair?" AND THE GUY WAS STANDING RIGHT THERE. Then I freaked out. Not because I was all mean to him in my post, but because other people could warp it that way if they wanted to. I later explained to the guy that yes I did write about him, and he said, "I must be really important to get into your blog." (Don't flatter yourself dude.)

And this girl, who was snobby at a wedding, I ended up at a party with her and she was sweet and nice, and I wondered, 'maybe that was just an off day for her?'

So yeah, about all those stories in my drafts. Hmmm.

(Nah probably not)

-----------------
Btw I disagreed with that friend who says you should never have to change yourself. I think we all need to change ourselves on a regular basis.

Mostly I change myself because I decide I would prefer a different version of myself, but I completely change myself for other people too.

Unless you are perfect (and you are not) you should try to get more perfect, (so that you don't annoy those of us who have already reached perfection. Jk.)

I keep waiting for them

2010-01-25T18:58:00.003-05:00

(the naked people,)

-so I can delete them (of course.)

Let me explain:

I know people who believe it's wrong to be on social networking sites. I have a friend who told me she deleted her account. Her (current) pastor preached a sermon against Facebook and Blogger and MySpace--against all the social networking sites. She said he had 12 points/reasons with Bible verses for each one.

But they have a website, and do email. (?????????)

I asked to see the verses, then added, "If your pastor doesn't mind sharing his notes we would like to see them... If you are uncomfortable asking don't feel obligated though."

She said she would, but didn't. (And it's ok. You don't have to chase the guy down and ask for his notes. I realize that could be awkward.)

Then later someone told me, "I deleted my account because of all the naked people pictures. They were really really bad for my mind."

"Oh uh... yeah. That is actually a really good reason."

I thought back to girl(space)friend's pictures who my friends added to Facebook while I was at their house. And they were all, "She wears that? I would expect her to dress better. This is awkward." (I know her and would expect her to wear a bikini, but not to post pictures in it. Something is very skanky about posting full body bikini pictures of yourself to networking sites. Even if you wear them; seems like a person could at least pretend to be doing something fun or funny in the picture, so it doesn't look like such an obvious plea for attention...)

"Couldn't you just delete the people posting the pictures?" I asked, (That’s what they did; Accepted then denied her all in just a few minutes.) "You don't have to add everyone. And you can delete them if you're uncomfortable with what they post."

"It wasn't so much my friends (I could hide them) It was all the facebook adds on the side." Then my friend described practically naked girls (except for stragetically placed hair or something) laying in bed and staring up at them on the side of their page."

"Oh... I don't know anything about that, but sounds like a good reason to quit facebook to me." I winced inside, and decided to maybe not get a facebook page after all.

I asked Jeff about it, "You don't have naked people on your page. Is there a way to block bad advertisements?"

He said those adds do show up, but you can click on "like" or "dislike" under each add, and they'll tailor the advertisements to your preferences.

So yeah, I'm awkwardly waiting for the naked people...

To the right of my wall is a dark headed, slightly balding, man staring longingly up at me (it's some dating site advertisement.) I can see the top of his scrawny shoulders, but yeah nothing provocative. Just weird. (Maybe my being 24 makes a difference in the pictures they are trying to lure me with?)

-Esther

If Anyone Is Gonna Violate My Privacy,

2010-01-25T18:15:00.005-05:00

-It's gonna be me.
-
I just joined facebook.

Decided it would be easier to keep up with my out-of-state friends there. Plus a few people were starting to ask about things that I had been up to, and I was like "Yeah, but how did you know."

"Facebook. There are pictures of you." or "_______ was talking about it on facebook."

I wasn't going to tell anyone I was there until I had a picture up. You know a real picture of myself not the hugging character I found in an online search, and I don't know how to tag myself... (What is that thing called? Does it have a name?)

Somehow 30 people had invited me to be their friend by the next day (Not sure who a few of those people are though... And one lady, who I am friends with, keeps giving in detail info about her ob/gyn visits. Nastiness...)

For the last few years random people have tried to get me to join, and I've always been, "Yeah, sure, I will sometime, but don't expect me to live there."

I'm telling you this, so you're not sad if I don't poke you enough, or comment on your wall often enough. Doesn't mean I don't love ya. Just means I don't plan to spend a lot of time there. (And if I start obsessing I will delete myself.)

So you should forgive me for not friending you sooner.

And for being an absent friend in our future facebook friendship.

(I adore the tackiness in that last line.)

Pretentiously, Esther

Assuming Catfights and Much Awkwardness

2010-01-21T18:50:00.009-05:00

This week ________ parents were at my house and were talking about their youngest son.

Mom asked if he was in a relationship...

"Yes, we are praying about a couple of sisters." his mom answered.

"Sisters!" I thought "Doesn't he know better?" (But I kept my mouth shut. Yay me!)

I am familiar with the whole UPC way of dating, but, sisters that's a bit much. I started picturing these sisters sitting on their bed chatting like Leah and I do, "So your date with _____ last night; did you have fun?" Then the other answering, "Um, maybe, well yeah," before blurting out, "Did you kiss him when you went out on Saturday?" Then there would be a catfight and much awkwardness. Not much sisterly bonding between them I assumed.

I listened for a bit; apparently the prettier one is snooty, and the not so cute one is really sweet, but well, not very pretty. They hope he picks the sweet one. And his parents adore him, so they never said anything about the possibility of these sisters deciding they didn't want him. (I didn't mention that either; Yay me! I'm so nice lately)
After a bit I figured out that she meant 'sisters' to be 'sisters in the Lord' rather than 'they have a lot of sibling rivalry', But it took a while.

(I was glad I didn't say all the snarky things I was thinking. lol.)

Another reason to leave off calling everyone Sister or Brother?

------------------------------------------------------------------
Leah and I went to church with friends this Sunday.
A friend of my family came up and introduced himself, "You are Libbey's right? Tell your dad I said hi. How's Isaac? I'm remarried did you know?..."

Then he turned to the guy next to me and asked, "Which one are you chasin'?" gesturing to my sister and myself.

"Can't say." he answered.
The man's eyebrows shot up, "Well if it's one of these girls you're in trouble!"

He wasn't in trouble with us (Too short 4 Leah and too young 4 me.) but twas funny

You're My Brother; You're My Sister (Or Not)

2010-01-20T18:35:00.003-05:00

I dislike the mandatory 'brother' and 'sister' prefixes that people in our church circles attach to each other’s names.

I think they get it from I Timothy 5:1-2

Rebuke not an elder, but intreat him as a father; and the younger men as brethren;
The elder women as mothers; the younger as sisters, with all purity.

But we don't go around calling the older men 'Father_____' or older ladies 'Mother______.' I shudder at the creepiness of the thought.

I call people sister and brother on a regular basis, so that people don't feel disrespected. I've done this my whole life, but it's still weird. Supposedly it’s to show that people are your family in Christ, and you are as close as siblings. (I think.)

I understand that we are to have a church family.

No one does those titles with their blood family though; if brothering and sistering everyone is to show we are siblings it makes no sense. I don't say, "Brother Seth will you please jump start my car?" or "Sister Leah do you wanna hit the mall tonight?"

When you are closer to people is when you generally lose the tags and titles.

It's weird.

I do it, but only so that I am not considered 'that disrespectful girl.'

I'm quite fond of 'Mr.' and 'Mrs.' and 'Miss'.

So instead I will joke about the weirdness on my blog and continue calling you Brother [insert your name here] or Sister [insert your name here].

But I don't have to like it.

I'm Jealous

2010-01-05T19:33:00.015-05:00

Is not that I mind her having a car. I don't even mind him buying her one.

--------------

When my oldest sister started driving Dad bought her a very ugly Volkswagen to drive. (I think I even remember wood paneling) Anyway when it was wrecked he bought another ugly Volkswagen, which was promptly wrecked. (I can't remember who wrecked which Volkswagen. Dad wrecked one. Anna wrecked one.)

Btw I have great memories of sitting in the back of those Volkswagen with all my older sisters & all the Gordon girls. (Yeah all of us--That was before seat-belt laws I think.) Anna would buy us pizza at Little Caesars, and we would split cokes. It was awesome.

Next Dad bought an ugly gold diesel car that we named The Rattletrap. Anna drove that until she was married, then she left that car for my sister Shalom to drive.

Shalom wrapped The Rattletrap around a tree, so he bought her another car. Something blue and sporty that hung a curve really well...(Thankfully.)

I can't remember when that one died. Josh says it was having problems before Shalom got married, but I don't think it died until a few weeks later. Transmission problems we were told... Anyway I drove it for that few weeks.

And then...

Yeah, actually nothing.

I worked for a year until I could afford a car. And I was the loser who rode with her friends everywhere.(But my friends loved me, so it was ok.)

And, well yeah, I was jealous, but I was just kinda, "Oh well. Such is life."

So this week Mom called me, and said, "Hey can you bring Leah home right away. Dad found a car to maybe buy her, and wants to make sure she likes it."

The car is hers to drive, but she can't have it unless she wants to commit to paying for it in the future when she has money.

My parents said, "Well it needs to be this way, because we did it this way with all the other girls.

So now I am all thinking, "And what was I? A boy? (Because the brothers didn't get cars either. Lol.)

So yeah anyway.

The title is crackin me up. I know everyone (of my local people) read it in their feed burner, and assumed this was about T. pawing all over my boyfriend Sunday. lol.

Fooled ya. haha

I don't know

2010-01-04T18:54:00.005-05:00

Is not that I would not like to know, but...

I don't.

And some things I do know.

Still I am not everything you think I am.

And that's not wrong of me.

But you might think it is.

-----------------------------------------

Several years ago 3 of my younger siblings had stayed up 1/2 the night with friends, talking & laughing & comparing theologies. I think some mega-strong coffee was involved.

They told me about it later.

I told one of them "You might wanna be careful about talking other people out of their convictions."

She agreed. Was like, "Yeah just wasn't thinking"

But really-

They are/were just kids, and they were just bouncing their ideas off each other. That's part of growing up. That's part of figuring out who you are and what you believe, right?

I could go a little farther and say it's a part of life. That even adults can (maybe even should) disagree with each other at times.

Not snarkily or angrily. Just, you know, be real.

But a few weeks ago Someone told me she was close(r) to me because we had more [beliefs] in common. And I tensed up, but said nothing. Was thinking 'Maybe we don't.'

Probably we do.

Is hard to know....

Who are you?

I actually talk about weird random stuff with people. But rarely with from-my-church people. I think I'm a little afraid of them.

Edit: Maybe I'm just afraid of hurting or angering them. Our church culture is, 'Don't hurt anyone' but it's almost to the point of, 'Lets pretend we don't have beliefs because it might make others feel left out thatthey don't have them.'

How To Receive Blogger/Blogspot Comments Via Text

2009-12-28T13:41:00.000-05:00

I don't do much with my blog except post stuff, so this makes it easy to respond (or at least know when I should respond) to a comment. I have used Gmail Filters for years, so was aware that this would work, but only set it up recently...

To do this you must first have blogger comments sent to your email address. You're probably already set up for that. If not click here for easy instructions.

1) If you don't already know your picture text email address, find it by texting a picture to your email.

(Leave this email address for later)

2) Open an emailed-from-blogger comment email;

3) Click on the More Actions tab, then choose Filter Messages Like These.

4) Click on Next Step (You should see noreply-comment@blogger.com to the upper left in the From: box)

5) Check the Forward It To box, then in the white space enter your pix message email address

(The from email address as saved in step 1)

6) Click Update Filter (But Don't check the box for 'Also apply to conversations below'.)

And that's it. Pretty simple huh?

(You will also receive comments that you've signed up for on other people's Blogspots)

-----------------------
And yeah I applied the label blogger to my filter, because I like labels.

You could set up gmail filters to send you a text message instead of a picture message, but since texts can only receive 160 characters, you would probably only receive part of the comment/email...

With a pix message I've been able to receive 1,000 charactors in the body of the text plus the subject

How To Receive Blogspot Comments Via Email

2009-12-28T13:39:00.000-05:00

I'm working on a post showing how to have your blog comments sent to your cell phone.

But to automatically send Blogger comments to your cell phone via text you must first have blogger set up to send all comments to your email address.

This step was taking up too much space, and I think this is an opt out thing, so you're probably already set up this way. So anyway I gave it it's own post...

If you don't receive comments to your email, then here's how to set that up...

Go to your blogger Dashboard. Choose the Settings link.

Then choose the Comments tab.

At the bottom of the page enter your gmail address in the space provided.

Save the settings.

And that's it....

-------
For some strange reason Blogger won't send the comments to cell phone email addresses. If they would do that I could just enter my MMS email address and skip the Gmail steps...

Hangers!

2009-12-17T18:34:00.003-05:00

Went to Kohls and bought a shirt for Leah and one for myself. Asked the clerk, "May i please have some slacks hangers?" and she gave me 4. (Had almost forgotten that they would do that.) Was on the way home and started laughing at myself because i was excited about my hangers and just kinda 'whatever' about the shirts. Pinchey hangers are awesome! I hate ironing.
<><

Yesterday when N8 came home

2009-12-16T19:31:00.004-05:00

He knocked on my bedroom door. My family is quite social. We might not know where a person has gone once they leave the house, but at home there is usually games and conversation.

One of the 4 of us let him in, then Leah asked, "Where have you been and why wasn't I invited."

Then we all fussed about how we never see him anymore.

He said ,"I just ate. Then I went bowling"

"Who all was there? Where did you eat? Why do you never invite me?" Leah asked.

"Hibachi, and no one was there."

"No one?" even Seth, who had wandered in, was incredulous "You went bowling by yourself. How long did you bowl"

"10 games."

"All by yourself?"

"Yep...Hard day at work its very stress relieving."

So the 6 of us sat and discussed N8...

Then we discussed him again the next day on the ride home from work.

"Maybe He's got himself a woman," Jeff said.

"Yeah, but thats not N8. N8 would tell us." I said,

"Unless he was ashamed of her." I jokingly added

"--Or of us" Elijah said

More Randon Xmas Stuff.

2009-12-14T19:45:00.009-05:00

Christmas is still somewhat scary for me, but things turned ok for my family. I think life as a Christian is like that. God takes the bad stuff and makes good stuff out of it. Doesn't make the bad stuff not bad just makes life awesome in spite of it. (Romans 8:28 has been one of my fav verses for a long time...) Like the time Joseph was kicked out of his family and sold into slavery; it was really awful, but God fixed it so it was good.

So yeah, good stuff: the church we are at now has been good for us and to us. We have grown here, and I think we have been better off here. It was a good time for a new place.

Our church people do Christmas, but most of them aren't mean about it.

(Far as I can tell, and don't correct me if I'm wrong,) Lisa is more worried about making us mad than mad at us for not coming to her Christmas thing. People should just live their lives, and if there is piece of your life that I'm uncomfortable with, I'll stay out of that particular piece.
-----

Two of the first few years we were here our pastor asked me, "How would you feel about having a Christmas play at the church?"

I told him, "We wouldn't come, but you guys could do it anyway. You don't have to change things for us, and seriously I mean that."

Later I told Mom how they usually had a play and hadn't because of us she just said, "That was nice of him."

"It's really scary," I said. "What if he hates us later because of changing things?"

He still preaches a sermon geared toward Christmas around the 25th, so is not like he changed everything. And really if I'm being reasonable he is not a person who is going to ask us to leave because we are different, but I would not have expected that from the other guy either...

I love Christmas lights; the white ones outlining houses are so pretty. And I'm completely cool with going Christmas shopping with my friends. (The sales are not so good; why do people think they are? It’s cool anyway. I need long sleeves T-shirts.) It’s awesome to have time off work. I listen to Christmas music occasionally (none of the annoying stuff though. I dunno how even the most staunch Christmas lover can stand some of that.). There is a Christmas song, 'Happy Birthday Jesus' it’s sung by a little boy. Anyway it is adorable, and there are a few other Xmas songs that I'm quite fond of.

I could argue very convincingly either for or against celebrating Christmas. (I'm not going to... I'm just telling you I could.)

I don't care if my friends celebrate Xmas. If someone asks me why we don't, I tell them a little about the pagan background. Maybe mention Jeramiah 10:1-5 or tell them to pick up an old encyclopedia & look up the origin (It's definitely nastier than Halloween), but I know most people don't think about Nimrod & Semiramis, and instead associate Xmas with Jesus birth. Is not like I think everyone who celebrates Christmas is bad Christians.

It's just that I don't.

And if you hate me for it don't tell me. I've changed from the whole I'd-rather-have-it-told-to-my-face mindset. I think I prefer plasticized friendliness.
--
Recently someone from church told me, "Your family doesn't fit in here."

So I am all 'bla, rub it in why doncha' in my thoughts.

Is a hard few weeks. I should like to be gone.

Perhaps I shall abscond for a time...

Scar(r)ed of Christmas

2009-12-14T19:24:00.005-05:00

Every year around the 1st of December I start to panic. (I'm a little early this year.)

I don't belong here.
Christmas is scary.
I wonder if these people resent me.

I don't have a big hatred of Christmas. I might celebrate it at some point in my life. One of my brothers celebrated Christmas with his (then) girlfriend for a couple of years. I guess I could celebrate it now if I chose to.

But Christmas scares me because people are mean this time of year. They think if you don't celebrate it you don't love Jesus or something I guess...
---

I've actually been in a Christmas play/thing before. Lemme tell you about it:

My family went to another church for a while (11 years actually.) One year in December we had a skit thing. (I can't remember exactly what it was all about, but it was lovely.) We dripped hot white candle wax all over the carpet & sang "Carry Your Candle" in the dark. I love fire.

We had been told that it was not for Christmas--But it was.

Which is not to say that it was terrible or evil; just that it was a Christmas thing? It was a good play and a few families had filled brown paper lunch bags with nuts, fruit, and candy which they handed out after the play, then passed them and fruit baskets through the (poor) neighborhood where our church was located. I think if people are going to have Christmas celebrations that's a good way have them.

But my family doesn't celebrate Christmas.

We talked about it afterward, and my fam was like, 'yeah that's what it was, but we asked.... didn't know.' So anyway we didn't say anything about it. It was over and bla.

The church knew we didn't 'do Christmas', but we had never asked them to not have Christmas celebrations at church. It was really their call--Not ours. (They should've told us that it was for Christmas when we asked though.)

The next year around the beginning of December during church a man asked, "Are we gonna have a Christmas play again this year?"

The pastor's daughter answered, "Yes, we'll do the same song we did last year." Then we went on with our service.

So anyway in a couple of weeks, when it came time for play practice my family didn't stay. We didn't throw a fit. We didn't ask anyone else to not have a play, or be in a play. We didn't slam Christmas. We just didn't stay and practice. (If you don't believe in something, you don't do it; that's how it is.)

(Honestly my parents had not asked them to not have Christmas plays. The church had just skipped it for the 11 years that we were there. Maybe they felt obligated to...)

Sigh.

The next service was a Wednesday. (My Dad had a recently started business, and worked late every weekday, so never made it to Wednesday service) The pastor asked my brother who ran sound to instead sit in the pews and stuck a cassette tape in the recorder. (We never taped the midweek service, so that was different, but I assumed it was a sermon he was extra happy with....)
Anyway he chewed my family out the whole sermon saying at one point, "If you don't believe that what I believe is right, you don't need to be here. You should go to another church." Then after church he gave my mom the tape & told her to give it to Dad, then the pastors wife yelled at my mom for a while, and made her cry.

It was very dreadful.

We did leave.

(My best friends Dad left also. He was recently saved, and after sitting through the service said "If that's what Christians are like I'm not going to be one.")

------------------------------------------

gOt No SKiLls

2009-12-02T17:31:00.002-05:00

I'm saving soda pop tabs to make belts out of. I'm not very good at removing the tabs though. I tend to either bend the things in half or tear the bottom circle out. Sometimes the whole silver top of the can comes off (no pic's of that though.)
<><

H's & K's (In which I unintentionally hurt half of everyone)

2009-12-01T18:19:00.012-05:00

Quietly freaking out over the chaos, and considering not posting my next scheduled post, because it's not completely all happiness & candy.

Still I am not (currently) planning to remove the last post.

But you are definitely due an explanation. Please do me a big favor and read this for now.

I did not tell anyone that she had to wear a skirt to 6 Flags or to my house or to any other place. I didn't write that on my blog either. If you thought I said that, please reread that post. I've not edited it at all.

I didn't realize it was taken that way until someone referring to my blog told me, "I don't think people shouldn't be allowed to do things with the youth group just 'cause they don't wear skirts."

And then all the comments sounded like that also. (I have them texted to me automatically, so I had read them but couldn't reply for a while.)

You should reread what I wrote. Maybe you mixed up my h's & k's.

I told her to wear jeans. (And now a quarter of everyone else is mad at me.) I did ask her to wear a shirt (as in a blouse or a top that wasn't spaghetti strap, and didn't show boobs.) and I made sure to point out that I didn't know if most other people cared... (And maybe asking her to wear a shirt is just as bad to you. I don't know.)

But she asked me.

Honestly there would've been more of a requested dress code if it had turned out that the youth pastors drove the van as they were thinking about doing. I don't think that it's wrong to have a dress code for church activities.

In fact, I wouldn't have thought it would've been wrong for a person to answer the question with "If it's a youth trip thing pastor would prefer for you to wear a skirt." (I didn't say that, I'm just saying I think it would've been ok.)

I know about 5 years ago when a friend, from our church, and I were about to go to VA with the pastor's family he asked me, "Does she know how we dress. Did you talk to her about that?"

I guess my take on it was; it would be less awkward for her to hear it from me than for me to tell her to talk to the pastor.

But I'm not totally sure where he is at now. I will call and ask to talk to him & his wife about this, and ask how he would want me to handle this in the future if it comes up.

Also
Just because someone lives differently doesn't mean they think they are better than everyone else...
----------------------
I had been told some months ago that _______ is terrified of coming into my house after a volleyball game because she wears jeans. And it was very sad, and she is welcome in our house. But we started having bonfires so at least people will have somewhere warm to go if they are uncomfortable in our house...

We actually had a friend, who wore pants, live with us for around a year or so (And yeah that has been forever ago. Her name is Shelia you might have met her....) I think Mom did ask her to not wear shorts at home though...

I'm really really, really, sorry, & sad if people are uncomfortable with or around me because of how I dress, and I might not always wear skirts forever, but I am not going to wear pants just so that other people won't feel awkward around me.

It's really hard to know what to say to people.

2009-11-25T18:52:00.001-05:00

Trying to figure out where I'm at and where I need to be.

She asked, and I didn't know what else to say. Sigh.

6 Flags. And yeah, it's been a long time ago.

My mind (today) is like the above sentences; scattered & disorganized & only understandable by me.

So lemme try to put this to words:

---------------------------------------

I have this friend; and she is awesome.

We don't do everything quite the same way, but that's not unusual. I have lots of people who don't think quite like me. I'm ok with that.

(Girls are just naturally evil, stab-other-girls-in-the-back, creatures. They have to work on being nice.) I like to keep the nice ones as friends when possible.

We had been planning this trip to 6 Flags. We hadn't yet figured out if the youth pastors were driving the church van or not, or planned a meeting place, and the tickets hadn't been bought... But was partly planned.

So anyway, this friend and I, just the two of us were on a church pew talking about the 6 flags trip, and she asked, "Is there going to be some dress code or something?" Then she said something about having to wear long black dresses.

I took a breath, then, said, "Um yeah I don't think long black dresses are really required, [awkward laughter] and you should just wear jeans, but wear a shirt, and actually it would be good if you wear a shirt at my house too, and maybe when we do things, but honestly I don't know where everyone else is at."

And it made her sad, and it was horrible...

But she just quietly said "Yeah, actually I was joking."

I'm not sure if she meant she was joking about asking about a dress code or just joking about having to wear long black dresses...

-And I'm not sure what I should've said or should not have said.

I wasn't sure if 6 Flags was going to be a 'youth group thing' or not. We had asked Andy & Lisa if they would drive the church van. (If they did it would've been. If not it would've just been some of us hanging out.)

When we do something as a youth group we are always given a speech about how the girls are to wear skirts past their knees, and the boys to wear pants, and that there are to be no shorts, tank tops, or cusssin'... (Actually I don't know if shorts are still on the list or not...)

Several of the girls wear jeans anyway, and is not made a big deal of...

--------------------------

And then at church our pastor has started preaching about how some of his church people needed to stop telling people what to do, and how to dress.

If we are not to tell people what to do for fear of offending them. What do we tell them?

I could, if it is preferable, just tell people that they must talk to the pastor...

Trying to figure it all out...

---------------------------------

When the Browns started coming to church Karen asked me how people dressed at youth service, and I just said "Well pastor prefers girls to wear skirts, but not everyone does, and your girls won't stick out if they wear jeans."

That wasn't hard

Still its so much easier with non-'my-church' people...

N8: From Bald 2 Beautiful

2009-11-23T20:49:00.006-05:00

N8 with Hannah's hair... (He knows I am posting this btw)
<><

Several months ago... On a hard day/week a piece of this song--

2009-11-23T19:33:00.014-05:00

Was forwarded to me in a chain text.
I loved it immensely; my girl(space)friend didn't know the artist.
Lots of songs pulled up on google search, but I couldn't find it.
Lyrics aren't usually hard to find. Tear.

I decided was some obscure person & gave up. Forgot about it.

But today I happened upon the lyrics with the name of the singer.
Understand, I hate to admit it (looked up the pole dancing thing.) But
Yes, I love this Miley Cyrus song...........It is amazing.

It was written by Jessi Alexander, and her stuff seems clean.
That's what I'm gonna use...

?

----------------------------------------THE CLIMB----------------------------

I can almost see it.

That dream I'm dreamin

But there's a voice inside my head saying you'll never reach it.

Every step I'm taking.

Every move I make feels

Lost with no direction.

My faith is shakin.

But I gotta keep tryin.

Gotta keep my head held high.

There's always gonna be another mountain.

I'm always gonna wanna make it move.

Always gonna be an uphill battle

Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose.

Ain't about how fast I get there.

Ain't about what's waitin on the other side.

It's the climb.

The struggles I'm facing.

The chances I'm taking.

Sometimes might knock me down but

No I'm not breaking.

I may not know it but these are the moments that

I'm gonna remember most, yeah.

I Just gotta keep going.

And I gotta be strong.

Just keep pushing on 'cause,

There's always gonna be another mountain.

I'm always gonna wanna make it move.

Always gonna be an uphill battle

But Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose.

Ain't about how fast I get there.

Ain't about what's waitin on the other side.

It's the climb.

Yeah-yeah

There's always gonna be another mountain.

I'm always gonna wanna make it move.

Always gonna be an uphill battle

Sometimes you're gonna have to lose.

Ain't about how fast I get there.

Ain't about what's waitin on the other side.

It's the climb.

Yeah-yeah-yeah

Keep on moving,

Keep climbing,

Keep the faith,

Baby.

It’s all about,

It’s all about the climb.

Keep your faith,

Keep your faith.

Whoa, O Whoa.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Actually I've never been one who talked against (clean) secular music.

I perfer Christan music, but can ride with my friends with their music playing. Just so it's clean e.g. not talking about cheating on your wife, taking off your clothes, having sex, doing drugs and all that stuff. Death metal is disturbing also & swearing....

I did once ask a friend to turn his music off. Because he asked. "Do you want me to turn this off." (Don't ask me something if you don't want to know my answer.) I totally couldn't hear the words and it didn't bother me, but a friend had said said it was bad and bothering her....Bad memories or something. I would probably still do that. Actually she is old now so could ask for herself, but anyway.

I'm not going to play things in my car around people who would feel bad for listening to it. But I can't say it's always wrong to listen to mainstream artists...I don't ride with friends who are forever playing songs about sleeping around etc. I do have some things I don't listen to.

But everything out there isn't wicked.

Still I've never gotten into it. I've never bought a non christian CD. I don't listen to any Radio stations besides J103 and Love89. Is just what I do?

So yeah, choices.

My Sedu Straightening Iron & Rebate Sites

2009-11-21T14:53:00.006-05:00

I finally bought a straightening iron. (I gave my sedu to my cousin when she left for school) Had been planning to buy a new one for myself, but was waiting for a good sale. Plus I fried my hair this summer in chlorine swimming pools, and wanted to give it time to recuperate. I gave up & ended up just chopping it though.

(I will soon get to see what my DIY haircut looks like straightened. Eeeks.)

$119, is the reg sale price for the one I bought), but my hair straightened with a cheapo iron looks scary. Hannah W straightened my hair with her straightner in VA one day; it took her forever and a lifetime, then afterwards my hair was monstrously puffy and huge. The pictures & videos are horrifying. May you never see them....

I like that my hair is curly, but I have been curly for months, and am so tired of curls.

I was able to use a $35 off code on Folica.com, when I bought my iron. and will receive a chash back check from Ebates.

So yeah Rebate Sites:

If you've never used any cash back sites, you should try them out; they're easy. I joined both Ebates and Big Crumbs several years ago, and I bounce between the two depending where I'm shopping.

Ebates.com gives a higher percentage cash back for Folica, but Big Crumbs generally pays higher for eBay and allows cash back on eBay gift certificates. [Edit: ebay no longer participates in cashback sites, but they did create their own program--ebaybucks. Sign up for an automatic 2% to be used for future purchases.]

Big Crumbs will credit your paypal acount every month, and Ebates sends a check via postal mail quarterly. (Have been using them for long enough to know that they do work.)

So yeah.

You should sign up. Click here to go to Ebates or Click here to go to Big Crumbs

Spiders, Football, & Other Girls (the normal ones)

2009-11-21T10:09:00.002-05:00

"Guys would like you, if you were more like the other girls." She told me.

"I think, guys like me." I squeeked. (I sometimes I squeek my words when I'm surprised. It's not cute.) I tuned my voice to something resembeling normal, then continued, "I mean not all the guys but ..."

"No, I mean yeah, but you're too independant."

"I am too probably." was quickly added (to make me feel better I guess.)

"I think guys like for girls to let them help them," She continued. "And to not be so tough. We should work on it."

Bla, I would so not have survived my life if I wasn't tough.

'Is not my fault that I am tough,' I tell myself, then ask, "How do I not accept help?"

I am beyond cool with guys opening doors for me & carrying heavy things. (Btw you are very welcome to do that. Is very happiness inducing.) And set up tents. I will let guys set up & take down tents. And chop firewood & um pump gas I guess....

"You know like the girls who ask for the boys to buy them things at McDonalds. Guys like stuff like that. Makes them feel manly."

"You mean ask for stuff!" I inwardly recoil in horror as I begin picturing this. "I am not gonna do that!" awkward, awkward, awkward.

I am going to stay independant if independant means not asking, "Can I have a dollar", but maybe if I ever fall madly in like again I will give up football. That is my concession. That is reasonable.

Was thinking about this conversation Saturday while playing flag football.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Shifting through my memories:

The 1st time the yellow jackets invaded my room I begged my brothers to kill them. But Seth was sleeping the 2nd time so I killed them myself--All 18 of them. (1 sting.) But they were half dead already...

-------
There was that spider I threw off the picnic blanket on the 4th of July one year. I don't like them crawling on me shudder. The Blonde Boy saw (ugh), I have no desire to impress him with my (fake) afraidness, but wasn't aware he was watching, so I told him "Don't you dare tell people [That I touched the spider and wasn't afraid.],"

------------
I did buy everyones meal once, (And that is a very 'guy thing' to do.) but I do have an excuse. Cause all through the meal they were all, "Are you gonna pick up the tab today, Esther" and teased me mercylessly. I did it out of orneryness. Was mean of me I guess. The receipt was all together, so I paid it then left them to feel awkward.

Some of the boys felt very emasculated.

I thought it was funny.

Was years ago, and just once.
--------------------

Anyway yeah

In which I weird people out by remembering their names

2009-11-19T18:47:00.003-05:00

I have a really good memory.

I can usually pull an event or conversation from my mind instantly; sometimes fun stuff, sometimes just mundane useless stuff. Or other times I remember something awkward & cringe, and am all 'Bla stupid me. I'm gonna avoid them forever.'

Weirds M. out for me to remember the story about his exgirlfriend and her ex fiancé and put all the pieces together to figure who & what he is talking about, but he told me and now I remember. It's not like I am emotionally attached to them. I just remember the story...

Yeah this is a rambling post..

Last week at a social event I saw a girl who was in my cabin for a week at a youth camp some years ago. She was friendly (back then), though it was awkward to be in a clique that actually didn't talk to anyone except for the few people deemed 'cool people'. (In defense of myself I always abandoned them for an hour or so every day to talk to other people. That makes me a nice noncliquey person right?...)

At any rate I recently saw this girl, so I said hi.

Seriously just, "Hi how are you [Name of person]."

She asked, "Where do I know you from?"

And I told her "Yeah _______ youth camp. It's been a long time ago."

Then she gave me a look that said you-are-really-weird-why-are-you-talking-to-me, and said "Yeah, I was 12." Just kinda, 'Why do you remember me? I don't remember you.'

I thought 'Golly, I just said hi. It’s not like I asked you to be my bridesmaid.'

Is somewhat awkward I guess to not remember a person’s name if they remember yours, but was more than that. Maybe I am not considered 'cool enough to talk to' now lol.

Then a guy who I had met years ago was at this wedding & was introducing himself to me & I said "Yeah I think I met you once actually." Then thought, 'ugh I hope he is not like that girl. Why didn't I just say my name?"

And he was just "Well is really nice to get reaquainted." And was cool.

But yeah
---------------------------------------------------------------
Cliques are not necessarily wrong imo just so you try not to exclude people. I was in one once and my current pastor asked me to please include a few more people. He told me that I was hurting people. But honestly those girls did not want to be with us; we had tried to get them to hang out. Maybe they chose not to because we just played basketball with the boys the whole time. (It was great) But you can't have people who don't want to be had.

Weddings = fights & family fueding? (I didn't know this)

2009-11-14T10:18:00.005-05:00

I had been asked to help seat people at my friends wedding reception Saturday. The bride had made placecards and a list showing where everyone was to be seated. Four ladies were requested to help people find their tables. (Yes, it is awkward escorting men to their seats.)

The people I was helping had warned me that they expected fights & family fueding, but I laughed it off. People don't do that at weddings.

Most of the people were members of an afiliation that I had briefly considered joining (Do not tell Lisa lol.)

Half of them were talking about how they "Don't expect this mariage to last" & some of them were openly talking hatefully about the bride. And she is nice.

A few threw a fit about not being seated together whining, "She's splitting up familys." As if she asked them to divorce each other.

I told them, "It was unintentional; I'm sure." Then looked at the chart to see what was happening.

No she didn't put husbands at different tables than their wives, but she did seat all the single people together, which did seat them away from their family. I am soo not crying tears for them. I don't believe it's possible to divorce your aunt but you can try...

Then they pursed their lips and angrily declared, "No! It probably was intentional," while the other offended parties nodded their heads bitterly.

If there are 25 people in your extended family then yeah you all probably aren't going to fit at an 8 person table. You can call it "Splitting up familys" all you want but unless we throw the bridal party off, then double seat the bridal table with your people theres no way you're all gonna fit together...

I did move them to the tables they wanted to be at. (One of them was going to be at my table ugh.)

My table people (the ones that stayed) were all very charming, by the way. I enjoyed their company immensively.

-----------------------------------
PS: I missed the wedding

(I'd lost my invitation, and incorrectly remembered the time; I thought I was 30 minutes early, but instead was 30 minutes late. I walked up as everyone was mingling at the exit doors, so everyone thought I had been there the whole time. It was a very short wedding; less than 30 minutes aparently)

When the bride mentioned not seeing me at the wedding ceronomy I said, "Yeah well I was sitting behind a great big fat man. Couldn't see a thing."

Then I admitted to having missed the wedding, but only to her (the bride) & my friend Crystal's family, because I was afraid those people might eat me. They were that evil.

Evil Spare Bed

2009-11-12T19:43:00.009-05:00

When I get ready, and am trying on clothes, I lay the rejects on my bed. Everyone does that right?

If I have time I'll put them away up before leaving. If not I've always hung them back up before I go to bed. Because I must sleep in my bed, and because I hate ironing. And because I DO NOT PUT CLOTHES ON THE FLOOR.

(Disclosure: When I'm sick I do throw my dirty clothes on the floor.)

Same with sewing. I stick pins in my mattress sheets & cut things & seam rip bits of jean threads all over the bed, but I must sleep there; so I clean it up.

So it works.

(I should say it worked; using the past tense.)

Because now there is this wonderful bed that I do not sleep on.

When my cousin moved to PA for school I left her bed. I thought it would make her happy. Felt like when she was talking about moving to PA she felt thrown out when the kids discussed putting her bed and dresser & stuff in storage. Like "They don't want me. I don't belong here." She is insecure enough already (aren't we all at times), so I thought I'd attempt to fix things somewhat because I love her. So I kept her bed & dresser in my room. I wanted her to come home & feel at home.

I did insist that Roofie(sp?) move to PA with her. (Sorry 'bout that. He scared Tuffy.)

Currently my sewing projects are laying all over that bed. And laundry when I run out of hangers. Sometimes I put outfits there that I plan to wear soon. I had one yellow outfit lying on that bed for 2 weeks! It's ridiculous. It has become my clutter spot.

(Why do I accept hanging future outfits over the doorframe of my closet, but freak out by them laying on the spare bed? I make no sense)

I have determined to leave it (the bed) until after Christmas break, but I need to somehow quit viewing it as the place to put stuff...

Here's a picture of Roofie..

I'm not always Sad

2009-11-09T19:47:00.019-05:00

.

I'm not always hurting. Its just that sometimes when I'm wounded I bleed words onto paper. Writing---it's a band-aid of sorts. Calms me down I guess.

That being said.

My life hurts right now.

Right now as in today and yesterday, maybe tomorrow and hopefully not next week.

After that I will be cured. La la la.

I hope.

Pill

2009-11-07T13:22:00.003-05:00

It was very small & very white, and apprently had rolled from her purse onto the floor. (I'm obsessed with small things--It's very strange.) Anyway it was about 1/4 the size of a hole punch, so I picked it up with my thumb & forefinger then set it in my palm.

"Probably for PMS or alergies, or congestion or something" I thought

"What is this? I'm gonna take it?"

She started frieking out, "No don't! Those are really bad for you! I'm serious they can mess you up bad!"

But it's so cute. "Why do you have them if they are bad?"

"_______ has a prescription and gave some to me."

I shrugged and tossed it in the trash.

I must not've told her I didn't take it because an hour or so later she was still freaking out "You ok? Did you really take that?"

"It's in the trash if ya want it."

I never did ask what it was. Probably something minor but....

Still curious
-----------------------------------------------------

I once bought Retin A online through some Mexican pharmacy. Was $14 a tube V's the $65 from Drugstore.com, or $120 from CVS Pharmacy. (And it was name brand Retin A which I found to actually work better than generic.) Then I told all my friends that I was buying drugs online from Mexico. (Hated to admit that, yes, I did have a prescription.)

I also threatened to buy Lamisil online from India if my podiatrist wouldn't prescribe it for me. (He had, on previous visits, told me I didn't need it citing expensiveness as his main reason. I was all "Dude it's ok. I should just like to be fixed.") I just discussed it with a friend who had used it before--She freaked out telling me I should be under a doctors supervision.

A month later she asked me "Did you get those pills." In front of everyone. At a restuarant. While we were eating. I made huge distressed eyes at her, (in case they had watched or heard of the gross tv ads.)

Thankfully she quickly changed the subject.

So yeah

Wasn't it nice of me to scar your retina's with those links?

My feet didn't look that bad...

Amusement park water rides are evil.

Guy Pretty Vs Girl Pretty Dresses & 'Window Shopping'

2009-10-31T09:19:00.004-05:00

Our church group has a weird habit of going to Wal-Mart anytime we are in Athens, and to the mall when we are in Cleveland. It's usually the guys' idea; I suppose to window shop. Several of them once explained to me that window shopping means looking at girls who are shopping. (Interestingly enough they said they'd never heard of window shopping being looking at clothing/store items without buying. But it fits.)

So yeah, in between services our group was at our ghost town of a mall: not many stores left... (I'm not remembering any pretty girls there either. And definitely no good looking guys--except the ones with us lol.) Twas rather empty.

But I'm not complaining; sometimes I do actually like to shop. And some of Deb's maxi dresses were on sale for $5. After Jessie rejected a "not girly enough" dress I directed her to a frou frou 'thing' (I dunno what else to call it.) The hip area was spewing a huge puff of crinkly white lacey shredded fabric masquerading as ruffles. It was horrid. I cannot explain the horridness of it. "Is this one girly enough for you Jessie?" I said sweetly.

She loved it.

(I just lied.) Actually she exclaimed at the scariness of it then picked out a black dress that was feminine enough for her with a bow thingy at the top. She asked it handed down to her. She is short. (Or maybe we were just blocking the rack...)

The other girl held out an orange silky dress with a tropical forest growing on it, "I think I would actually wear this...Looks like the dress I didn't buy in Ross. Remember it. I went back for it, but it was gone."

(Men have stories about, "the fish that got away." Women have stories about, "the sale that got away.")

"Guys don't like these dresses." She said a bit later.

I wrinkle my forehead, "Why not? Are you sure?

"Yes, [The Tall Blonde Boy] & [P.K]. told me guys hated them."

"But [The Tall Blonde Boy] told me he loved my green dress." (Guys are such weird waffley things. Why can't they say what they mean & mean what they say.)

"Maybe it was just [P.K]." she answered.

They both put their dresses back.

I tried on 2 then bought the black one with the bow thing. I probably wouldn't have bought it if I thought all guys hated long-maxi-dresses.

It's not like my life revolves around boys, but hey they matter, and I do care. I'm just not after that particular guy.

I do majorly dislike the tent-like maxi dresses without any shape, or the ones made of tarp material. I like my hips.

If you delete it then it is saved forever / Blog Damage Control

2009-10-24T10:20:00.004-05:00

...But if you save it, you can delete it, (Maybe forever. Maybe not)

Was talking about blogs with a friend who rushes to delete anything that could be awkward every time she finds out a new person who reads her blog...

It's best to not post anything online that you would mind anyone reading. Ever. (Unless your blog is private.)

But if you've post something to your blog, and wish it hadn't been posted. The best thing to do is NOT to delete it.

The problem with deleting a post is that the RSS it is still forever saved in feed burners memory. If you delete something you've written it's removed from the blog, but it is left in feed readers. Anyone who is subscribed to you, or anyone who subscribes in the future, can still read it.

But there is a way to get around the feeds. Instead of deleting the post just open the post in 'Edit Posts'. Save it to drafts. Then write a new post to replace the saved one in the feeds. (The old post will remain until you post over it.) In a few hours Google Reader will update your RSS Feed changing the old post to the new one. In other words If you save it (to drafts) you can delete it by writing over it.

Short & Sweet:

Save as draft
Write something else
Post the replacement

I'm not sure if all Feed Readers update saved posts when they are changed. Google Reader is the only one I've ever used.

*If a person has already read the original post, any post you write over it will not show up as new in the feed reader. (So whatever you write over the post probably won't get read as much.)

[Edit: Google reader only updates changes made on the last 30 posts, You can't change a post farther back than that in the feed readers via overwriting. Any changes will only show up on the blog itself. If you have unwanted things in your blog past life you can request Google to delete the RSS which will keep anyone who doesn't already have you saved in their feed burner from pulling up the blog you thought was deleted. I hope I didn't give anyone a false sense of security.]

Happiness & Stay Safe

----------------------------------------------------
I try not to post anything that could be harmful on my blog. Because it's (currently) open and anyone can read my stuff.

I did have 1 short post I deleted, (because the thought wasn't clearly explained.) I might post on the topic again at some point. But so that people can understand what I was saying.

Also while I was learning about texting posts to my blog I sent too long of a text message post, and posted 7 messy posts. I promptly deleted 6 of them, and wrote an explanation post over the other. (So yeah now I have 6 posts in my google reader feed that are full of annoying nothingness. Ugh messy.)

If I had known, I could have saved each of them as drafts, then rewritten over them.

Guys Get No Validation

2009-10-22T19:15:00.004-05:00

Later that day we were sitting in a circle and talking about love and getting married etc. (lotta talk no action that's us lol) and it came up how several of the (older) girls, me included, are forever talking about marrying the tall blonde boy.

"You need to wait until he is 18; After he is 18 you can all fight it out." his brother said.

I gulped inside; Surely he doesn't think we are serious about marrying him. 8 years man. I am 8 years older than him--8 years is the life of forever.

So I said "Yeah well [He's] pretty, but it's not like that."

The Tall Blonde Boy cheerily said "Thank you Esther," (referring to the pretty comment.)

"--Pretty! Don't call [my brother] pretty! Pretty is too girly!"

He was right of course.

"I don't usually use pretty for guys, but what about beautiful?" I asked. (I do regularly call guys beautiful, but not where they can hear. Its' just like when talking to another girl about a guy and am like, 'Yes, he is beautiful'.) Was just curious to hear a guys take on that.

"No that's just too much," answered the brother.

"Well what do you call guys?"

"I don't call them anything. I'm just like, "Man you need a shower; you stink...."

"Sexy Beast' that's what Toby calls me. Or ravishing--Ravishing; that's what I'm going to start calling guys, 'man you really look ravishing today' "The Tall Blonde Boy chuckled, and grinned.

I suppose I could write, "How sad that it must be said so over the top; that a compliment must be a joke in order to be said at all."

--But it would be really weird to me if the guys started telling each other "You look really cute today" or "That color brings out your eyes. You should wear it more often."

Too bizarre. Girls say that kind of things to guys or to each other. Guys say that to girls. But to each other....

So yeah....

I'm pretty happy with the status quo.

Not that it's fair or anything. But the alternative. Yuck!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And now that I think about it the boys do tell each other," Looking slick today _________." or "Nice shirt.

Today I am feeling very sorry for boys.

2009-10-22T18:48:00.009-05:00

They must have such hard lives.

Guys can't wear pink or purple unless brave enough to deal with gay jokes. They can't hug or complement each other. And they are so hairy. --Poor boys.

(Yes, I am aware that I am using broad generalizations here.)

But I wonder if they naturally think like that or if they've just warped themselves to meet expectations....

So anyway, I was watching the guys Sunday, and said "Oh, Wow, Hey, they just were 'real hugging' each other. They usually just lean as far away from each other as they can and give a quick pat on the back."

The girl next to me said, "Yeah I think they feel obligated because of the whole________ thing."

"I dunno" I thought "I mean, it’s just a hug. Can't be so awful of an experience for them...."

Later someone asked them; Me, or Her, or Someone Else--I can't remember.

Only two answered,

"Yeah we felt forced."Both nodded their shaggy head and widened their eyes melodramatically in puppy dog like anguish. (They are very alike to be so different; those two boys.)

"It was terrible."

I guess some of them did feel obligated, but surely hugging between guys is not always, I'm only-doing-this-because-I-have-to." Do they really think like that? I'm sure some guys, like some girls, prefer to not be hugged. But as a rule you know 7 out of 10. I doubt it.

I do expect them to prefer hugging girls. Being a girl I would rather hug a guy than a girl. Only makes sense.

And not to want to be hugged all the time, or by everyone; I understand that.

But a hug is nice...
Surely even for guys.... Maybe just once in a while?

So anyway next subject...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hairyness had nothing to do with the rest of my post. I just had to throw that in. I dunno why, but it shall stay. (I'm sticking my tongue out at the stay-on-topic widget inside of me.)

I am aware that some differences are innate and instinctive. I do know that guys are not the same as girls... I know that their minds are different. Some things are natural.

And yes even Esther is tired of constantly talking about hugging.

Edit: I wrote this post and the one after it a week ago, but haven't posted them until now. I am not currently feeling very sorry for boys.

6 flags pictures

2009-10-20T17:32:00.008-05:00

All girl pics. I need to start taking pictures with guys more often.

<><

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15

2009-10-17T11:55:00.004-05:00

I love being slender, but curves are good...Tear.

I'm still healthy, as I'm small boned, and naturally rather small. It's just that I've got this super fast metabolism, and frankly when I'm stressed I don't eat enough...Still eat more than most girls I know, but yeah... It's like my belly gets tied in knots, then it's like "Listen person I'm full of knots you can't really expect to fit food in here too."

So this lady came up to me at church last week, "You look like you've lost weight?"

I'm not gonna lie, "Uh yeah 15 lbs..." I say, then I prepare to defend myself. And wonder, "Why did I have to wear something snug enough to show how scrawny I'm getting. Ugh stupidness."

But she says something enthusiastic like, "That's great! How did you do it!"

And I'm all thinking "Crazy lady," but I tell her, "Yeah actually I thought I looked good before. It wasn't on purpose....Stress."

She back tracked rapidly. It reminded me of listening to a friend complement a person for losing weight and the girl was all, "But you didn't think I looked good before?"

And I felt like a jerk, because she was being nice. Actually I was a jerk. Or maybe I just thought jerk thoughts.

Now that I think about it was kinda nice for a change. People are always griping at me 4 being skinny.

Currently it's true that I would look better with a little more meat, but why is it so acceptable to tell skinny people they need to eat more to gain weight? If I told all the fat people that they should eat less to lose weight, everyone would be mad at me. But random people are forever telling me that I need to eat more. I'm too bony. I need to gain weight. Bla bla bla.

At least I am healthy.

-------------------------------------------------
BTW: Stupidness is not a word. Nor is gonna, or kinda. Just so you know. (Or maybe just so you know that I know.)

So (because I'm vain) I'm all cramming food into myself. My ~~main~~ problem is that I take forever to eat. I'll be half through while everyone else is done. Sigh.

Pink Flowers and Lace and Men

2009-10-15T18:19:00.005-05:00

I don’t think it’s wrong for guys to wear pink.

Yet I can totally understand why some people believe it is wrong; why they see it as blurring the line between masculinity; Why they think it feminizing a man. I can see why they do believe that for a man to wear pink is Biblically wrong.

Look at it this way:

I currently have a pink flower in my hair. I wear flowers in my hair, because they are pretty, and because I feel girly or feminine when I wear them.

A guy that I know (And, yes, everyone knows which guy, but please don’t ‘out’ him on my blog comments) often ends up tucking flowers behind his ears, and leaving them there for an hour or two. He is quite straight, and it's not a huge deal to me, though I prefer it not be done in public when I am with him. But some of our friends find it to be totally "gross and revolting". (Their words. Not mine.)

I also have an older brother who loves flowers; His wife was laughing about it recently and told me, "He likes flowers more than I do,"

In my opinion it is completely ok for my brother to like flowers, but I would be disturbed if he started wearing shirts with roses and carnations on them. Ok or hair flowers. Maybe that is somewhat strange, (but my silk ones are different from randomly tucking a wild flower behind your ear. That guy is not evil. I did not say he is evil. Do not tell him I said he was evil.)

God totally created flowers; I’m sure he thought they were beautiful. (1st Kings 6:35 says there were flowers carved onto the doors of the house of the Lord and, in Song of Solomon 5:13 the woman compared her beloved's cheeks to sweet flowers and his lips to lilies.)

Also flowers are not immodest; wearing them won't make me (or him) responsible for causing others to lust.

--But wearing them (In today’s culture, and minus a few like the garish Hawaiian shirts and lovely Hawaiian Lei’s) is generally considered girly. This is a non-Biblical culture thing; the Bible doesn’t say “Men are not to wear flowers, on their shirts or in their hair.”

Still I think guys shouldn't be wearing hair flowers or T-Shirts covered with pink lace roses. It doesn't look good because it doesn't look straight.

What is the difference with wearing pink shirts and pink hair flowers?

It's a culture thing in my opinion. Our culture is accepting of pink shirts on straight men. Our culture is not accepting of hair flowers on straight men. (Hopefully it never will accept them. Ugh)

Some people associate pink with women they think men seem girly or feminine when wearing it. But really what is the difference with wearing pink shirts and pink hair flowers?

Not much.

Not much at all

i think

2009-10-11T07:58:00.004-05:00

i believe
that running
away from ~~your~~ my problems
is sometimes
definately
an option

10-9-09

Pink Is 4 Girls; Blue is 4 Boys (Or is It?)

2009-10-10T09:18:00.010-05:00

For years (in our culture) pink was considered a girls color, and mostly only women, and openly gay men wore it. But it’s now quite stylish for straight guys to wear pink.

Not long ago, I sat in a church service under a pastor, who I respect, and he said in his sermon that Christian boys have no business wearing pink; that it was wrong.

I have guy friends who love their pink shirts. I also have friends and family who think only girls should wear pink. Some think, “It’s not wrong; it just doesn’t look good.” And others have said, “Yeah, a pink button up is fine, but a pink T-shirt is just girly.” A few, like my pastor friend, believe it’s a sin to always be avoided. (He is, BTW, a completely awesome pastor. I'm not trashing him.)

I think if God thought it important that only girls wear pink he would've said something specifying that in the Bible. On the other hand I believe we should try not to give other people wrong perceptions.

If you are a boy and if how you talk, or look, or act often makes people question your masculinity, you have a problem. --Even if you’re not gay.

“Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind, Nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God. (1st Corinthians 6:9-10 KJV)

(Gay men are often effeminate, but effeminate does not have the same meaning as homosexual; It means having unsuitable feminine attributes.)

The Bible does not say anything against any gender wearing any particular color. But the Bible does say: "A woman shall not wear anything that pertains to a man, nor shall a man put on a woman’s garment, for all who do so are an abomination to the Lord your God." (Deuteronomy 22:5)

What defines an item of clothing as pertaining to a man or pertaining to a woman?

I believe that 10 years ago wearing pink might have ‘pertained to a woman’, I believe that back then, when at a glance you would be labeled feminine for wearing pink, it was best for straight men to avoid wearing the color.

--But pink never belonged exclusively to women.
The color isn’t intrinsically feminine.

I don't think it's wrong for men to wear the color when (most) people no longer associate it with femininity.

We are told to, "Abstain from all appearance of evil" 1st Thess 5:22

But Jesus also talks about how people will talk about you no matter what you do:

For John the Baptist came neither eating bread nor drinking wine; and ye say, He hath a devil.

The Son of man is come eating and drinking; and ye say, Behold a gluttonous man, and a winebibber, a friend of publicans and sinners!

But wisdom is justified of all her children. (Luke 7: 33-35)

Sometimes ya just gotta live your life; quit worrying about all the gossip.

But hey if you believe it's wrong to wear pink please don't wear it. You can always tell your friends that pink is scientifically proven to be more appealing to women. But if you do that you should also tell them that science also says that blue is more appealing to men.

Blue is my favorite color.
Not that it matters.

------------------------------------------------------------
FYI:

At one time pink was considered a very manly color: (When I visited Thomas Jeffersons home, Monticello, The bedspread and curtains were hot pink, and the guide said it was because they didn't know what color he used, but that during that presidents time hot pink was a masculine color.)

Google "1920's pink masculine feminine" (or just click on the link) for lots of search results about when pink was considered a boys color.

Not sure why views changed; perhaps because in Nazi Germany a pink triangle was used to identify sexual misfits/offenders (gays as well as rapists, pedophiles, and zoophiles.)
(Triangles were used to identify political enemies. Most Christians are familiar with the overlapping yellow triangles, AKA star of David, for Jews, but are unaware that the Jews weren't the only group persecuted)

Susanna and i Camping

2009-10-09T20:57:00.002-05:00

<><

Camping and Tornados

2009-10-09T20:53:00.005-05:00

We have been playing card games in the light of a gas lamp, and a few citronella candles. The power is out. There is a tornado watch and 60 mph wind warnings in the charleston area where i am camping. I can hear the pastor listening to the scratchy voice of a storm warning guy on his battery powered radio. I am relishing the danger and enjoying the sound of pounding rain on metal roof of the pole barn pavilion. Mom wants me home and out of the storm, so i'll leave maybe.

I just won our card game.
<><

I just gave myself a haircut

2009-10-01T21:35:00.002-05:00

Our trashcan afterwards...

Bubble Gum Pink

2009-09-26T19:41:00.008-05:00

"That is the color of pink that I want!!" My sister stared at the guy in front of us, or rather at the back of his T-Shirt.

"Yeah, bublegum pink only lighter," I reiterated what she has been saying.

"I don't necessary like that shirt on him, but the pink is perfect."

We were in church (second to front row to be exact), so couldn't continue our conversation about The Bublegum Pink Shirt, but it was nice to finally see the perfect pink after hearing her needing it for so long.

Leah wants a pink shirt, but it has to be the perfect color pink, bubblegum pink or freshly chewed double-bubble bubblegum pink to be exact. We have been talking about this pink for months--literally.

Everytime I find a pink shirt and show it to her she says "Not the right color."

But about guys wearing pink T-shirts...

Hmm.

Trucker

2009-09-24T19:47:00.007-05:00

I shrugged it off for a while. Guys always honk. It is to be expected.

But I did not feel very cute that day. My hair was all blowing in the wind, and messy from the rolled down window, and mostly I just felt kind of bla. I've been having car problems lately, so I decided to check my car when I got to work. (I usually car pool, but was driving alone, and a break down all by yourself is no fun.)

After leaving work people were honking at me again, so I was all like "dude, I forgot to check my car. I should stop and check my car."

But I didn't stop.

Anyway I passed another trucker who honked at me, and I saw in my rearview mirror that the driver was making hand motions telling me to pull over. I ignored him for a few miles, then I was like "Ok, I should just look at the car" Didn't want to pull over on the side of the interstate, so I waited for the next exit.

I pulled off the exit ramp at the Niota exit. (It's a tiny hodink exit; no gas stations--no anything in sight)

...And the transfer truck pulled off behind me. "Dude that's weird" I thought. When I got to the end of the exit ramp I looked back and he had parked a bit back. "Ok not that big of a deal" I relaxed, "Truckers park on exits to sleep all the time"

"Or he could be planning to help me fix whatever is wrong with my car", but I decided I didn't want help. (I was having a paranoid day), so I drove right off the exit ramp and on to the entrance ramp.

Then I decided, "I might as well check my car, while I'm here" I pulled onto the right shoulder toward the end of the exit ramp, parked my car, and turned the engine off.

I stuck my head out the driver side window, "car looks fine". I climbed over to the passenger seat, and stuck my head out. Everything looked fine. I thought about driving off, but was like "Ok I pulled over I might as well look at my car while I'm here." So I stuck my cell in my pocket then got out of the car and walked around it. When I got to the back of my car I looked back and the transfer truck was parked a bit behind me and the trucker was approaching my car.

He was about 5'-11" or 6' with a dark tan, dark hair, and a moustache; one of those droopy ones that hang to the chin in a point on each side. That kind of moustache has always creeped me out.

I quickly jumped in the (unlocked) passenger side door, and climbed over to the driver side seat.

He stuck his head and shoulders into the car window.

You know how, some people, you can feel the scariness in them. It was like that, so I was all freaking out wondering if I had locked the door on my way in. (I hadn't.)

"Uh, my car's fine. I looked at it. Was there a reason--"

"--I thought you were someone that I knew from Knoxville. A girl I'm dating." He said

"No, I don't know you." I replied

"Wow. You're really hot"

"You wanna mess around?"

"NO."

"Are you sure?"

Yeah, I mean No, I don't want to"

"You're really nice"

"Wow you're hot"

He said other things that I won't say here...

Then he said, "I'll make ya scream"

Twas frightening.

But I got away. Started my car and drove away; left him standing there.

Life Ugh

---

Bad Day Part 1

2009-09-19T13:00:00.007-05:00

This is an old post. (from 2 months ago)

After church a few Tuesdays ago our youth group went to Mickey Ds to eat. I don’t care much for McDonald’s food, but I wanted people. Needed people. I planned to relax and space out while listening to chatting and laughter.

We, like always, shoved 4 or 5 tables together and crowded in a few extra chairs as people straggled in. I like that about my church people; we (typically) have one big group rather than a bunch of small cliques. (I have been told recently that ‘The Libbeys don’t fit in’, but that’s a different story.

“I had a really bad day today,” The guy who ended up next to me said.

My Cousin, who was across from us, said, “Me too, my day was awful”

“My day was worse than either of yours” I stated.

He looked at me skeptically, “I don’t know about that. I had a really bad day.”

“Tell us about your day” said the cousin to him “It’s good to get this stuff out in the open. Makes you feel better.”

“My boss was really upset with me. He fussed at me.” He hung his head pitifully.*

“My day was definitely worse” said the cousin. “A customer yelled at me. It wasn’t my fault. It was awful. [I think she said she cried, but I can’t remember for sure.] Tell us about your day. I’m sure my day was the worst,” She looked at me expectantly.

“My day was worse than either of yours” I reiterated. Then I left it like that. I mean I did not enter a pact to tell my bad-day story or anything. If they wanted to tell theirs that was fine…

“Wow, I’m starting to feel better” says the guy, “Tell us about your day, Esther**. What happened?”

“Weeeeell I don’t think so it might make you uncomfortable” I glanced away.***

"Come on we are your friends. You can be open with us. We will make you feel better." said the cousin."We don't mind at all; we'd like to know."

“Don’t know about that. It’s an interesting and, strange story but…” ran through my mind.

They continued asking me to tell them for a while. And really I shouldn’t have told them I had a bad day if I was unwilling to discuss it. So I did.

”Look, someone propositioned me today.” I chose to leave out how I was all alone and how the man threatened me, and the rest of the scary stuff.

The guy who started this conversation said “Yeah my day wasn’t very bad. I had a really good day, in fact, compared to you guys’.”

My cousin quickly changed the conversation.

Yeah, choosing not to say how the man threatened me when I, uh, declined was probably a good thing.

(But I will totally post about it.)

PS

*Comment #1 (I tried, but wasn’t able to figure out what was done/not done that the boss was upset about; it’s unfortunate, as I’m a curious person. At any rate, I’m sure it was something trivial or something he was uninformed about. The fellow isn’t a slacker.)

**Comment #2 (This guy does very well about throwing names into a conversation. I think his first girlfriend must’ve told him it made girls happy. He never used names before dating her. I should ask her. She totally changed him. he was way different BC. LOL)

***Comment #3 (After all this is the shy cousin. Plus I don't know the guy very well)

Edit: Have since discussed this day with 'the cousin', and it was cool.

Anyway yeah

Life & Darker Stuff

2009-09-19T11:01:00.013-05:00

I have a lot of old stuff either in my blogger drafts, or on my laptop. Have been trying to decide if I should post about stuff related to sex in a G rated blog… So anyway. I think I will. I’m sorry if this offends you…Forewarned et al.

This does NOT mean my blog is gonna become X rated, or anything of the sort, and I have no intention to write about everything awkward or awful that happens to me.

Tis just that it gets old only writing about candy and friends and the like. Plus I've thought about it, and I think its ok for me to be more open than I am. Deeper is sometimes darker, but is that always a bad thing?

So anyway.

Curls & Boys & Pink

2009-09-19T10:17:00.006-05:00

My curly headed guy friend was complaining about his hair. The texture was a little off I think.

"What do you use on it?" I asked

"Gel"

"What kind?"

"Just regular gel" he said

I don't expect any guy to start using weekly hot oil treatments or caring about the protein Vs. moisture balance of their hair. (Most girls don't even do that--Just me.) Would be surprised if he would take the time to even use a leave-in conditioner before gel, but even just the kind of gel you use makes a huge difference on how well your hair does--especially if you are curly headed.

"I'll buy you a good gel," I said.
I went home and looked closer at my hair stuff. Most of my gel bottles are a mix of 4 or 5 different products (I mix things until I get the texture, hold, shine, and slip just right for my hair). I only have one unmixed gel (actually the bottle says styling lotion, but whatever...) It's a clear syrupy serum; works amazingly well...Its perfect--no changes were necessary.

Unfortunately I can't buy him that.

It's a pink swirey bottle called got2be 2 Sexy. (The round bottle--It's gotta be the round bottle.)

In between writing and posting this (was waiting on a pic of my gel); He had his curls chopped off. His hair still looks nice, and I quite like it; I imagine its a nice change for him, but I hope he eventually grows them back.

In the meanwhile... What do I buy the boy.

I told him I would.

Hmm.

hugging

2009-09-12T10:11:00.009-05:00

2 Hug or Not 2 Hug: That is the question

It’s good for me to be hugged, and I love being hugged. (This totally excludes some people. I don't want everyone touching me.) I think its ok for me to hug guys. Just so I'm not all over them… And to the side. Guy hugs should be to the side probably. Not like I always do that but...

Anyway I don't usually worry about hugging girls. (If you sleep over, and spoon me in bed though it will creep me out.) And if you are tall enough that your breasts will be in my face, please accept a side hug... Ugh gross.

So to my story...
A year or two ago a girl friend told me, "I don't enjoy being hugged."

I can't remember the whole conversation, but we talked about it for a short while, then I asked, "So is it ok if I hug you anyway."

I guess I decided that she was broken, and I would just hug her anyway and eventually she would be better.

Anyway she said she was fine with that.
I forgot all about it. Hadn't been thinking farther about it, but a few weeks ago I reread her blog profile. Among a bunch of random things about her was "I don't like hugs"

I was like "Hey, she told me that." Then I determined that I would stop hugging her.

So I haven't been hugging her.

Then yesterday at church I walked over to sit by her. I made a mental note not to hug her. BTW she looks like someone who should be hugged. (How to explain? Sad little girl face...)

Anyway it was all good. (As Toby would say.)

So after service she reaches over to hug me.

I was like, "Hey, you know you don't have to hug me"

She looked at me quizzically, so I continued, “I know you don't like hugging people. I don't want you to feel obligated to hug me."

She laughed or smiled or something "Its ok" she said "I just don't attack hug people. If I initiate the hug it’s ok."

Maybe we're good because I don't attack hug people. (Did I used to? Awkward.) Maybe she likes hugging people now. She hugs people all the time, but is still kinda...... I dunno....I should prefer not to make people uncomfortable.

Bounderies

2009-09-12T10:10:00.004-05:00

Was a nice to-the-side hug, but the whole belly rubbing thing...

"Yeah, I think my belly is off limits." There, I said it.

Had been trying to work up the nerve for a couple of months.
Had been trying to remember how this got started in the first place.

--Was probably me; Poking him in the side.*

I made a mock swipe at him "But I'll totally poke yours."

"That’s kind of hypocritical; don't you think." Said a girl in front of me (And seriously, she was nice about it. It wasn't like "Esther, you're a jerk.")

I grinned, "[It] was a joke. I didn't touch his belly."

The guy laughed it off, "She just doesn't want to be tickled."

But it’s cool. He understood, and wasn't mad.

I'm not very ticklish. I really don't mind the feeling of having my belly patted or poked. (Ok, ok, I like it. It makes me happy.) I'm just not so sure that my guy friends should be touching my belly. (Or me touching theirs).

Boundaries are good. I made some for myself when I was about 11 because other people needed them. I made some for myself when I was16, because I needed them.

Side Tangent on Fat Rolls below:

*(Why do I think it’s ok to poke or pinch guy’s sides, but not ok to touch their bellies?) This guy doesn't have any fat left, but I love to pinch people’s fat rolls--I don't know why. It's very weird. (Fat rolls are not attractive to me. I just like to pinch them. And only peoples fat who I know very well.) Maybe I will stop; just in case it makes people cool with rubbing my belly.

PS. Just this week Jessie offered to get fatter so she would have fat rolls for me to poke. "I'll just eat a lot and stay up all night! Then I'll be fatter! And you can poke me!" I will totally poke Jessie in the side when she gets fat rolls. Jessie, you were serious right?

--Happiness

Dating & Courting & Why & Why Not

2009-08-28T19:40:00.064-05:00

(Old post from my drafts)

I was at a friend's birthday party when her dad turned to me and asked, "Gal when are you gonna start datin'?"

My dad answered for me. (Doncha hate it when people do that? Grrr.)

"No, she is not going to date. She is going to wait and marry the person she is going to marry." He beamed happily at the room.

And me? I said nothing to clarify things with Dad till a few weeks later. (It was not a good time.)

But I am so not doing that. I mean how does that even work?

A friend once told me, "I don't think you should date unless you are planning to marry the person."

I'm like, "How do you know you want to marry the person unless you date them first."

I do have some guidelines. I don't think you should date just anyone, or do just anything. My definition of dating might be your definition of courting.

But if I was to have to wait until I was planning to marry someone I would be too terrified to ever be in a relationship at all.

It took some time for me to reach that conclusion. (Which is probably why I'm still single) But I don't plan to leap into marriage, or into some huge scary commitment.

Conner's lobster crab bisque

2009-08-28T19:30:00.003-05:00

The best! I get this stuff anytime I get the chance!

I have a date tonight

2009-08-28T17:44:00.009-05:00

"You have a hot date tonight?" My dad just asked me (I stayed late today after work and am riding home with him)

"No, not really",

"You wanna go on a date with your old dad? I mean unless you had something planned..."

So yeah and I am posting a blog. It's very rude to text while on a date. I think its a little different when you're with your dad though. What do you think?

~Esther~

How To Set Up Mobile Blogging & Limitations

2009-08-27T18:27:00.007-05:00

So have been playing with mobile blogging and have figured out a few things of interest as well as a little info to make things easier. You could also check out Blogger Mobile for info

For SMS and MMS you'll 1st need to verify your cell phone number with blogger, and set mobile blogging up in the blogger settings. SMS and MMS both recognize your cell number, so that posting only works from aproved number/s.

To enable SMS send a text saying 'REGISTER' to the number 256447 (BLOGGR) then go to Blogger Mobile and verify which blog you're registering the cell with. After that you can send texts to 256-447, and they will post directly to your blog.

You can't sent pictures to this number--only text. You can also only send 160 charactors. If you send more than 160 you will receive the automatic text saying, "Sucess! Your post made it to your blog..." --BUT you will end up with 2 or 3 ...or 7 posts that are a garbled mix of numbers, letters, and symbols, not the blog you sent.

To enable MMS send a text from your cell to go@blogger.com. Then use the claim code they send to link your cell with your existing blog. After that is set up you can send a picture message or a text message to go@blogger.com and it will post to your acount. The subject line of your picture message will become the title of the post.

MMS is my favorite way; You can send up to 9 pictures, but only the subject line, and the message in the 1st text box you send will make it to blogger. Don't bother with notes under each picture; they will be eaten in cyberspace. If you send a text message to go@blogger.com the message will go through, but 160 characters is the maximum allowed, You can, however send many more characters in a picture message--It looks like you can send 1000, but per verizon's FAQ's site 400 is the max-- I've not tested more than 250 yet. (If you send more than 160characters in a picture message there will be verizon advertisements at the bottom of your post. Ugh)

I chose to also use the email feature because it gives the option of saving a message to drafts. I already have the option of posting without delay when I send a message to go@blogger.com. I love having the choice of saving a post for later.

To enable E-mail posting (AKA mail2Blogger)

1st go to Blogger Settings.

Choose the Email and Mobile link.

Choose your 'secret word' for the email posting

(You'll want to choose a strong secret word especially if you set blogger to publish emails immediately)

Then enable the option, choosing save-as-draft or publish-immediately..

As with Go2Blogger the subject line of your picture message will become the title of the post.

(So far there are always advertisements on the bottom of these email blogs, but it's easy to remove them if you are editing the blog anyway)

Jessie, if you want to text a blog, and have a title for your blog as you mentioned. Just send a picture message with your blog title in the subject line to either go@blogger.com or to your blogger-secret-email address. You can leave the picture out if you don't have one; it'll still work and you'll have a title.

Michele; You'll probably need to use email and SMS since your iphone doesn't support picture messaging. It must be awful to not have picture messaging.... La la la verizon rocks.

-Happiness

3 Ways to Mobile Blog

2009-08-27T18:09:00.005-05:00

Am learning to send info from my cell phone to my blog lately. So far I've found 3 ways, and now that I'm starting to undestand the limitations and how to work around them I really enjoy mobile blogging.

I've listed the 3 types below:

SMS (Short Message Service) AKA text message (no pictures.)

MMS (Multimedia Message Service) Aka Picture message; You can send pics, and/or text, and/or sound this way. For mobile blogging you will be sending an email via MMS from your preapproved cell phone number to go@blogger.com.
(Incidentally texting a picture or sound to a friend's cell also uses MMS).

Email (Electronic Mail) If this posting option is enabled you can email from your cell to your blog, or from any email acount, or any cell phone to your blog. (This can be scary because anyone can email to your blog if they know your mail2blogger email address. I've set this up to save-as-draft just to be safer.)

About those limitations though...

Candy 4 mixer time

2009-08-25T18:28:00.012-05:00

All stacked up on the mixer table

Kristi above... Me below

-
Everytime I run mixer we talk about how we would like to have candy.

La la la candy high

-Happiness

Blogger 2 drafts

2009-08-24T22:31:00.006-05:00

Leah cracking up with laughter at walmart. Plus Cherries for sale; with b'day cards on the right & magazines on the left.
Strange Florida Walmart...

I Love S.O.S. (Dressing room graffiti)

2009-08-24T18:39:00.007-05:00

From the walls; I had to snap a pic or two.

~Esther~

Edit: So hey, I sent this via mobile blogging. It worked ok, though I had to separate the pics, as it overlapped them slightly.

-Happiness (for now)

Sorry

2009-08-22T12:06:00.000-05:00

I’m told that it’s best to tell someone you’re sorry when you mess up. But what if you already know the person would rather not hear it, do you still apologize?

Does Apologizing to someone who resents hearing the apology negate the purpose of apologizing?

I was once told, “Esther, I wish you would quit apologizing to me. You know you are doing this for yourself right? This isn’t helping me at all.” (This was said very shut-up-and-go-away Esther-you-are-bothering-me way.)

I have since tried extra hard to avoid conflict with said person in an effort not to mess up. Because I think they were at least partially right. It is sort of engrained in me; I can’t forgive myself properly without working things through.

So:
It’s been several years.
I have (perhaps royally) misspoken & offended/hurt this person again.

Wasn’t intentional and I’m not sure—but the offense taken was maybe exaggerated by the 3rd party. Still is very troubling, and I Know That I Could've Worded Things Better.

Usually it’s best for me to talk things out, but in this case if I am just annoying them... Rather than talk things out I might be better off to shut up and pretend no one told me they had taken offence at my words.

So

puzzling

"Mobile Blogging Stinks"

2009-08-21T18:07:00.021-05:00

?? ?79? ?Om ? ???g?=MG??oq?] ????9?>??n2??N??i? ??t ?} ?????\v?Ai :l/?????] ???v 4.?? 8??.?@IP}^&??oP?=O?? ::L ?A?4?}????2 ?v?Y??? 2??

Yeah when I saw my blog this morning there was 7 posts that consisted of the above numbers letters & Symbols.

Ugh.

Friday on the way home from work I typed out a blog on my cell and sent it to one of 3 addresses from which it should've be sent to my blog.

I even received a reply from Google, "Sucess! Your post made it to your blog littlegalbiggrin.blogspot.com..."

Weird. I had played around with this sending things to my blog to see if everything worked, and it seemed to, but I had only sent short messages and pictures.

Perhaps my blog was too long. I'll mess with it a little more before deleting my Send-to-blogger contacts from my cell.

Ugh.

-NonHappiness

Questions

2009-08-10T07:11:00.009-05:00

What to Do

Where to Go

What to Say

Blood*, tears and heartbreak. And things I'd rather not know.

Stay, or leave, or halfway in between (Is that even possible?)

I'm not depressed, or losing my mind--Just sad. I ate today, yesterday, and the day before, and so on. Just so you know.

Don't wanna talk about it, but could you, maybe, pray?

*metaphorical blood of course. Don't freak out. (I am N8's Sister after all--we can be overdramatic at times).

Yeah, Uh...

Please wait until after church to lust after my armpits

2009-07-16T20:22:00.001-05:00

“I think ___________does a really good job at not showing her underarms in church,” said a friend to me.

“Guess I’ve never thought about it” I wrinkle my forehead.

“Well, her sleeves are really short sometimes, but she’s careful when she raises her hands, so her armpits never show during church.”

I wonder to myself, “is this is a lecture about my often barely-there sleeves.” I say “Um, ok”

“Well it’s really best not to show your armpits in church. I sometimes wear short sleeves, but never to church. “

“Because of the underarms showing thing,” I think “hmm, How strange and interesting”.

“I don’t think it’s a big deal,” I shrug my shoulders.

“Guys lust after them. I’ve always been told that it’s wrong to show my underarms.”

“No” I said, “I think it has more to do with those people finding a way to measure the sleeve; like a cut-off point.” I give an example, ‘If your armpit shows your sleeve is too short.’ Armpits are ugly. No one lusts after them.”

“I think some girl’s underarms are really pretty” Was the reply.

Wow, what to say to that. I mean I know guys who like toes extraordinarily much, and at least one who has a strange thing for ears. Dudes do sometimes tell me I have a cute nose, but armpits, oh Wow, ROTFL! Surely not!

Disclosure: I totally show my underarms on occasion.

FYI: This girl voluntarily told me to blog about this conversation.

threw off the computer 4 me

2009-07-16T18:34:00.013-05:00

I am at the library looking at ebay and blogs and such...

When I got here there at 7:15 there was an empty spot in the internet computers, but the libraian, a little elderly lady with her gray hair up in a loose bun, said, "I think #9 actually has a person on it. We took her slip out, but I think she's just short."

She went to check, "Yes she's just short we need to put her back in."

I was about to wander away to look at books, but she continues, "Lets see who we can throw off."

Huh

She began to examine slips of paper (showing who was on what computers & what time they got there)

"Yes she's been on since 3:00, and this ones been on since 3:30"

The little lady marched away and presumable threw these people off their computers.

Was really funny. Maybe you would've had to be here...

Can't believe they were on for like 4 hours. I checked the history...myspace & youtube....
Plus the librian. I would've expected her to say something sweet like "Well maybe someone has been on too long."

LOL

-Happiness

"[Esther], You Look Homeless"

2009-07-02T18:59:00.004-05:00

”You’re not wearing--”, My mother stared in dismay at my jean skirt “--Oh you are! It has holes in it.”

“Were those holes already in there? I wonder if she bought it like that?” she grimmaced staring at the offensive rips. “Maybe she made them herself” She continued speaking to my friend instead of to me.

“Did you?” Mom directed her question to me this time.

“Nope. Bought it like this” I replied

“You look Poor and ragged” She didn't mince her words

“No I look comfortable” I countered

“ No you look old and worn out” Carmella agreed with mom, “You look homeless.” She continued.

I could see my mom trying to understand: Why would one of her children choose to wear rags; why would anyone choose to pay for predamaged clothing when they had nice clothing already?

“Attention. She’s doing it for attention” She concluded. “People will think you are homeless and then they will give you attention—maybe they will give you food” Mom tried to explain the weirdness to herself and anyone willing to listen.

“--And money” Carmella broke in

“Attention, food and money” I said “Dude I should wear this skirt more often” I leaned contentedly back against the kitchen counter.

“I don’t know about this modern look” Mom said, “ Esther’s always been kind of modern”

Mom kneeled on the kitchen floor inspected the holes close up, then felt inside the skirt, “Ok they have patches behind them.” She stood back up relieved.

“If you were anyone but my Mom. I would’ve kicked you”

“I wouldn’t have if I wasn’t your mom” she replied adding, “I hope you didn’t pay a lot for it”

--
It is rather strange, and I never have understand the draw of distressed denim either until lately. This month I have become strangely drawn to white thready patches. Its very un-Libbey-like of me; we grew up with plenty of torn clothes, but they were definately not desired or purchased that way.

(FYE I spent $17 including shipping... I bought it from this ebay seller. Its super comfortable, and really cute, but I did have to resew the backside. It wasn’t sewn quite right where her home stitching met the factory stitching; it jutted out strangely. You might not want to buy one unless you are fairly confidant with a sewing machine.)

*My mother did look at the holes without flashing people, or touching my legs, or anything gross--just so you know. She is a respectable mom.

change ?

2009-06-22T18:46:00.002-05:00

“What’s wrong with your voice, honey?”

“Nothing, I just have a weird voice” I grinned at the Subway lady.

“Oh I’m sorry. I just thought, you know. Colds going around.”

My voice sounded funny because I was thinking serious thoughts on the drive to Subway--It’s a funny, but true, explanation.

“It’s strange,” Leah informed me several years ago, “When you talk about serious things your voice completely changes.”

I hadn’t noticed and carefully moderated my voice for a while after that. When fast food workers worry about my voice maybe I should start smoothing it out again.

I really don’t think my voice is all that unusual. It does change a lot; my voice gets higher when I’m hyper and cracks when I’m serious. …Well maybe it is strange, but sometimes my voice is normal; I think. Maybe when I’m not hyper, or serious, or at work, or on the phone…

The Gordon People always had a remark about my voice every time I telephoned: “I knew it was you the minute I heard your squeaky voice,” or “You really don’t need to say who you are when you call. Everyone can tell.” Every person in that family discussed my voice, “YOU JUST HAVE A VERY DISTINCTIVE VOICE, MISS ESTHER,” Philip (the dad) boomed regularly. (Talk about distinctive voices; seriously that man has a huge voice.)

“We Love Your Voice!” Is what John & Joseph always said, “It is really squeaky and awesome!” (Of course they are huge proponents of individuality.)

I recall Trent whose blog I occasionally read saying, “a lower voice is usually better “ I don’t think this applies to women…
I could pay for speaking lessons Yeah, right. That is so not Esther-like, though I did pay for singing lessons for a while.

Google tells me breathing correctly is very important, and speaking in monotone is dreadful, but I don’t think that’s my problem…

I’m not sure I want a completely normal voice. Mine is really squeaky and weird; sometimes that’s awesome.

Sometimes not so awesome...

I'm still thinking about it.

-Anyway Happiness

"I Deleted You"

2009-06-12T19:28:00.001-05:00

An old acquaintance has just started to hang out with one of my groups.

"Text and let me know. Josh has my number and so does Esther"

He must have caught my sheepish look, "You do still have my number right?"

I shifted awkwardly against the table I was leaning against, "Uh, no."

I had considered telling him that I got a new phone. Twas the truth; I did get a new phone. But the truth is also that I deleted him some time before I got this new phone.

Later on the ride home Leah turned her face to me, "So you deleted him."

"Yeah."

"Why?"

“Well, I just never talked to him. I really don’t know him. He was just taking up space…”

Later that week N8 told me to text some people to invite them to go to the mountains with us.

I was ever so happy that the deleted person was listening, “I can’t; my new cell has only 5 people.”

He will never know I deleted him.

Not that he cared....

….But I feel better

Happiness, Esther