Saturday, February 20, 2010

Cancer again

The next week I was walking by and saw Tyler standing by himself holding Becca's purse, "I heard about your mom. How is she? How are you?"

He told me, "It doesn't look good" He said, "It's all I can do to get up in the morning."

I told him I had been praying for his mom. It felt trite and forced, but it was true and it was a good thing to say (I guess.) I stood there semi awkwardly for a few minutes before I walked away.

I think I did pretty well there, for not knowing him and all, but that was almost the last thing I said to either of them.

Wondering what I should do besides pray. I can't fix things, and I know that God can. I know God can comfort people better than I ever could,--

--but I also know that we aren't supposed to leave everything to God...

Remembering those times when I was hurting and certain people said or did just the right thing to make my heart feel a little better.

I would like to be that person.

But its hard to know how to not just stand there awkwardly. It's hard to know what to say to people.


Thursday, February 18, 2010

Cancer

"I need you to Pray, Tyler's mom has cancer," Becca told me yesterday her face was streaked with pain and tears.

The girl with her was relieved for a chance to get away and hurried off. (I can understand that to a point; raw emotion and streaky eyeliner can be awkward.)

Mostly for me, though, it's just hard to know what to say or do.
I listened to jumbled words and phrases like, "Don't know what to do." "It's spreading" and "Nine months to live."

I stayed, but I'm not sure if I was very comforting.

I don't know his mom.

or him.

We say, "Hi," on ocassion, but thats about it.

I know that he's 17.

I know Becca loves him, and I know that they are both hurting a lot.
Because 17 is too young to be imagining life without your mom.

And I do care, but I'm not so good at showing that I care.

Becca is not sad like she used to be sad (imo.) But how are we supposed to love people like they need to be loved?
----

?

Monday, February 15, 2010

Clothes, Hangers, and My NonMinimalist lifestyle

One of my friends is always saying, "I prefer a minimalist lifestyle." I nod agreeable until she says, "I have only 2 pairs of jeans and 5 shirts, and I like it that way."

Then I'm all, "Huh? Um, ok" and try to hide my horror.

'I've been shopping with you; why buy so much if you're going to toss these things in a few months.'

Later on those nights, after she has been talking about her minimalistic lifestyle, I stand and admire the many colors of shirts in my drawers, and all the different shades of denim in my closet, and I feel very happy. (It's like that time my friend told me she was allergic to chocolate, and I savored my hollow milk chocolate bunny with extra appreciation.)

What I'm saying is: I like having lots of clothes--I'm not about to give away 2/3rds of everything that I own for the sake of minimalism. (I'm sure that lifestyle is awesome--for you--(I guess) It's not at all what I want.)

(I do not have as many clothes as Josh or N8, but that's not saying much lol...)


Because Shoes = Happiness!



Still


My closet is almost full, and I refuse to put any clothes except work shirts, pajamas, and underclothes in my dresser drawers, (I hate ironing....) And there is just too much stuff in my room.

So I need to get rid of some of my clothes.

My solution:

Last week I washed all my clothes, hung them up, and then turned all my hangers backward. After I wear something and it's been washed, I hang it up with the hangers facing normal. This way I can see what I've been wearing and what is just taking up space.

Within a year (from last week) I will have to get rid of anything on a backward hanger. (I am excusing the 1 formal dress that I own from this purge.)

Today I added this event to November 8, 2010 on my google calendar "Must Give Away any clothing I haven't worn (AKA Backward hangers)" clicked on options and requested a SMS (text message) reminder to be sent to my cell at 5:30 that day.

Then I cheated and requested an email reminder to be sent to me 10 days before, so I can wear whatever I don't want to lose.

I told Danika that I was gonna show up for volleyball and be changing outfits every 15 minutes. ("Oh wait guys I'm sweaty--gotta change... Hold on a minute there's dirt on the hem of my skirt. Gotta change...."

Well see


Edit: This post is 2 months old and has been sitting in my drafts because I was waiting to add pictures of my closet. I've finally pulled the pics off my camera and onto a thumb-drive...

Saturday, February 13, 2010

PS: (to the commenter)

Because I can't comment via text msg. (Does anyone know how to do that? I would love to know how to comment via text .)

I had that post about throwing boring out-of-date stuff onto my blog already planned and scheduled via blogger drafts b4 you told me to feel free to ''talk about the weirdness'' because you don't read my blog anyway.

I haven't yet translated your French, so I don't know exactly what you said. but I have no intentions of being mean to you or anyone else on my blog, or anywhere else. Hope to have not given that impression

And last but definately not least- to the other people who read my blog comments- this is a different d. than the guy that I started to date. (Actually since it lasted only 2 seconds longer than a heartbeat before we quit being whatever we were it shouldn't be called dating.)

At any rate its not him.

But I am not hating anyone either way.

Peace and happiness and snow angels to you all

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Because There are 41 posts in my drafts

I am currently trying to throw a lot of old stuff out of drafts and onto my blog (or shifting it into my journal.) That's why some of this stuff is out of order, outdated-

-or just plain boring.

Housecleaning it's called.

But I used to be worse.

Once Upon a time, (When I was 15/16)

One of my friends left state to live with his uncle. His family had lived 2 houses up from mine all my life and before he left Susanna and I hang out with him all the time; we would sit on his bed, and we talk about all sorts of interesting things for an hour or two almost every other weekday.


We were stunned when he left without even saying bye.

The next time I saw him (3 months later) I was at a youth camp, and he came over to me, but said he could only stay a little while --had to go home and see his family. I promptly left my clique of friends to eat lunch with him.

Before we started eating our soggy hamburgers he asked, "You missed me didn't you?"

I did not say yes.

Instead I said, "No. How dare you leave us without saying bye! How could you expect me to miss you after such a horrible non-goodbye?"

He explained that neither his family nor himself knew he was leaving until the day before. His uncle needed help and everything was sudden for him too...

(I actually already knew that.)

While we ate our burgers he was constantly teasing me about how I had definitely missed him "very dreadfully," and asking, "Why don't you just admit it?"

And I consistently denied missing him.

He knew I missed him, and I knew that he knew I missed him, and I was fine with him knowing I missed him. But still I just couldn't say so...

Pathetic I know.

After he left I went to my empty dorm room, swung myself into my top bunk, and stared blankly at the ceiling thinking, "There is something the matter with me. This is my friend; I love him. And I couldn't even tell him I missed him."

(I had a crush on a brown eyed guy from GA at that time, Just platonic love for Micah C. We were always just friends. For the curious people. Lol...)

So I lay there for a while thinking about how strange and warped I was, then I decided, "I might be messed up, but I can be fixed. I'm going to learn how to do this."

Everyone is capable of change. Some people just choose to pretend they are stuck because, "I was born this way." They see their hang ups and say, "Yeah well that's just not something I'm good at. That's not me."

It's better to be all, "I'm not good at this. I need to work on it." Then do it.

(I'm awesome like that.)

....Usually, but it's a lot of work

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Lots of love, No Words

----------

Monday (1-4-10)
After hugging and kissing the kids and hugging Shalom I turned to go, and as I was leaving Daniel, her husband, said, "I Love you Esther. Be safe." (Dude just cause you happened to call last night and I happened to be crying does not mean I am going to be unsafe.)

"Love you too, and I'm gonna be fine," I replied as I turned to go.

He whooped and fist punched the air, "She said it! She finally said it!" he told Shalom.

I paused awkwardly, and turned away from the steps, Huh what? Oh, that...,"Have I not before...?"

Shalom shook her head, "No you haven't. He's been keeping track."

So yeah, the man has a list in his head of all his wife's siblings who liked him when they met him, and those who (in his opinion) didn't. Plus a list of those who have and haven't told him they loved him. Lol. (Am I the only one who thinks this is weird? Not like evil weird  or anything, and he is allowed to be weird, but it is weird nontheless.)

Do people tell  their brother-in laws they love them? Is that normal? I don't tell just heaps of people that I love them, and the ones I do its not everyday or anything, (but sheesh it's often enough.)

After that conversation I thought for a couple of days about starting to tell more people that I loved them, and in fact the very next day I texted a sick person, "Love you kid and get better."

Then I felt awkward.

And decided

I don't want to start telling everyone I love them.

It's just too awkward to tell people that all the time. (Especially guy people, or more specifically guy people who don't belong to me or are not my brothers or something.)

Oh well.

Just something about it is too mushy and just yuck. (Or maybe I should work on it....)
------
I'm not naturally a verbally affectionate person, but hey I am forever more so than when I was younger....

More on that here...

Monday, February 8, 2010

Its just a blog.

But it's a little awkward lately.

I think it is a mix between not wanting to be one of those people who go around telling strangers, "I have a blog. Please read it." and sounding like a desperate friendless person... (I feel like a friendless person at the moment, but I'm really not. They've just all gone ...somewhere.)

And

Well I might have a story about some of these people in my drafts... I try really hard to not post identifying information if I'm posting awkward stories about someone else, and there is a lot that I don't post. But if you do really weird things I might talk about you; I mostly talk about myself though so relax.

(I think I just admitted to writing awkward stories about my friends. Maybe I should reword that eh?)

I actually don't go all off telling everyone's secrets, but I did once give an explanation because untrue things were said about me to everyone. But she complained and I deleted it.

Currently thinking about a conversation I had a few Sundays ago with a friend who kept adamantly insisting, "You should never have to change yourself."

Was trying to figure out if he reads my blog, because I've talked about changing myself some lately here, and because he kept just randomly throwing, "Do not change yourself." and "You shouldn't ever have to change yourself for anyone." into a non related conversation, but I didn't ask for in case he didn't read my blog.

I don't know why I care. Maybe I don't. It is a blog. It's not my journal. I've always tried not to post anything that I would mind anyone reading.

Also thinking about how I told Sharon and Michele's's family, "It's weird for my friends dad's to read my blog."

I don't really mind, if people read what I write. In fact I rather like having people read my blog. (Including my friends parents, Most of them are my own friends in addition to being my friends dads.)

But there was that time Chris was asking, "So Esther who is the guy who wears flowers in his hair?" AND THE GUY WAS STANDING RIGHT THERE. Then I freaked out. Not because I was mean to him in my post, but because other people could warp it that way if they wanted to. I later explained to the guy that yes I did write about him, and he said, "I must be really important to get into your blog." (Don't flatter yourself dude, but yeah.)

And this girl, who was snobby at a wedding, I ended up at a party with her and she was sweet and nice, and I wondered, 'maybe that was just an off day for her?'

So yeah, about all those stories in my drafts. Hmmm.



(Nah probably not)